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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22681267">Inside Your Mind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta'>Wolvesta</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Athena is Buck's mom fight me, Consent isn’t sexy...ITS THE BARE MINIMUM, DO NOT READ IF RAPE IS TRIGGER, Episode s03 e17 Powerless, Explicit Consent, Family Feels, First few chapters have no BETA, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love Confessions, Maddie is a good sister, Men Crying, Mild Sexual Content, Moving On, Multi, Not even sure if this will be good or if anyone is going to read this but here, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Season/Series 03, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape is not vividly described, Slow Burn, Soft sex, Street fighting, Therapy, Threats of Violence, Trigger Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:43:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>54,662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22681267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Buck is desolate and heartbroken by the team's harsh treatment after the lawsuit, especially Eddie forbidding him from seeing Chris. One night while he's trying to sleep, Buck finds himself with a gun to his head and a masked man on top of him. The man says he will kill both Eddie and Chris if Buck tries anything as he violates him in the worst possible way. This happens more than once until finally Buck saves some DNA from the guy and goes to Athena, all Hell breaks loose.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Carla Price, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551724</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>847</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>CANNOT EMPATHIZE ENOUGH...DO NOT READ IF RAPE IS A TRIGGER.<br/>Rape is not described in detail, but still, be warned.<br/>Forgive me if there are mistakes, this has no BETA because I don't want anyone to be triggered</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t even know where to begin with this”</p><p>“We can start from the beginning. Let’s start with your name.”</p><p>“Evan Buckley…but you can call me Buck.”</p><p>“Ok Buck. I’m Officer Santana. How old are you?”</p><p>“28”</p><p>“Good. And why are you here today?” Buck doesn’t answer the person for what seems like a long time, but they are understanding and lets the time pass. After a moment of gathering his strength;</p><p>“I’m here to report a rape.”</p><p>“Ok and who was the victim?” The word victim sends a chill up Buck’s spine and makes him tense unconsciously. He knows he’s safe now, that he can’t be hurt anymore, but that word…it makes everything he’s been through real. And he almost wished it wasn’t real…but it is because he’s sitting in an interview in the LAPD CCD, being interviewed by an officer he knows he can trust. After all, Athena personally made sure he was looked after. Buck tries to steady his nerves and anxiety that is being kicked into overdrive because he knows that the person that did this to him might be on the other side of the room. He unconsciously looks to the wall and he feels his breathing pick up as his heart begins to beat out of his control.</p><p>“Buck” he hears the officer across from him and it cuts the spell he’s in. He shuts his eyes and attempts to control his breathing. He looks to the officer sitting across from him and he sees them sliding a bottle of water in his direction.</p><p>“Sorry…”</p><p>“Don’t be, you can answer when you’re ready. Who was the victim?”</p><p>“I was.”</p><p>“And do you know your rapist?”</p><p>“Yes…”</p><p>“Can I please get a name? You can write it down if that is more comfortable” The officer slides a pen and paper across the table in case, but Buck waves it away.</p><p>“Chase Mackey” Buck finally says.</p><p>“And what is their relationship to you?”</p><p>“He was my lawyer”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck looked around his empty apartment and sighed as he heard the microwave beep. It’s another night that he is spending by himself because of his bad decisions. Buck decided to sue the LAFD for his job back and even though he won, he didn’t feel like a winner. It’s been a month since then and it’s gone by so quickly. Everyone is talking to him again, everyone but Eddie. It’s like there’s been a wall erected between them and no matter how hard Buck tries to break down the walls, nothing is working. He’s apologized over and over again, but it’s like Eddie isn’t willing to listen to anything more he’s had to say. And now he finds himself here.</p><p>It’s a Friday night and he’s all alone. Before the lawsuit, Friday night was always movie night with the Diaz boys, but now it’s another thing gone. Even if Eddie had forgiven him, Eddie wasn’t letting him see Christopher anymore. He’s asked, begged and even pleaded, but Eddie hasn’t allowed Buck to see his son at all.</p><p>
  <em>“Just let me see him”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You let him down once already. I won’t let him get hurt because of you. Not again”</em>
</p><p>Buck mechanically ate his frozen dinner, took his meds and went to his bed. He wanted to cry at the fact that he’s all alone again. No one has come to see him in his home for the past month, which means no one knows what’s going on in his head. To be fair, he hasn’t talked to anyone regarding his mental health status either, not even his sister knows how bad it is. He sighs sadly and brushes his teeth before climbing into his bed. He sighs sadly as he knows this is going to be another sad night where he lies in bed and tries to get everything out of his head. Buck settles into his bed, throwing his comforter over his entire body and buries himself under the only thing he looks forward to anymore.</p><p>He feels himself teetering on the edge of sleep when his body involuntarily jolts awake at something when he hears something. He could have sworn he heard his door open but he was so tired and so out of it, he might have imagined the whole thing. But he can’t help but feel like someone is watching him. That is until he feels the comforter being flung off of him and for a moment, he thinks it’s Eddie but before he can turn around, he feels the familiar tip of a gun on the side of his forehead.</p><p>“Move and I’ll shoot you” Buck’s training instincts from when he was in the SEAL’s kicked in and he managed to wrangle the gun out of the person’s hand and he kicks it across the room. Before he can get up to grab it, he feels a punch being thrown to the side of his head and it gets him dizzy. And he once again finds the gun against his head.</p><p>This is it. This is where he dies and no one will ever think to find him right away. In fact, with everything that is going on, people will probably find his body a week later since no one comes to check on him anyway. But he doesn’t hear the gun being cocked, instead, he hears the same voice from earlier.</p><p>“Hello Buckley” the voice sounds like it’s laced with venom and hatred. It makes Buck’s insides freeze and his heart plummet into his stomach.</p><p>“Chase?” Buck asks, hoping to anyone who is listening that he’s wrong and this is some kind of sleep-deprived dream and he will wake up in his bed. But he doesn’t because he can still feel his head pulsating from where he was hit.</p><p>“What do you want? Please don’t kill me, I’ll give you anything you want.” Buck doesn’t care that he is begging at this point. He doesn’t want to die.</p><p>“I’m not going to kill you, but after I’m done with you, you’re going to wish I had.” Buck can hear the sound of a buckle being undone and then a zipper and then the horrible realization comes upon him when he hears this. Buck shakes his head and starts to crawl away from where he is on the ground but is stopped when he feels a hard foot coming down on his back.</p><p>“Just stay still and maybe this won’t hurt.” Buck knows what’s going to happen and he begins to get desperate. He tries with everything to fight back but he stops dead in his tracks when he hears Chase speak. And it makes Buck stay still and he tries not to scream in pain as he falls apart.</p><p>
  <em>He can’t scream…he’ll hurt them</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to protect them…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to protect them…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to protect them…</em>
</p><p>It becomes a mantra in Buck’s head as he retreats into his mind and he stays there until he hears the door to his apartment slam shut.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck finds himself vomiting into this toilet not even an hour later. He can feel the bruises beginning to form and his headache is still pounding. He can feel himself shaking as he flushes the toilet and climbs into the shower. Buck leans his forehead into the cold tiles of his shower as tears rush down his face. He lets out a sob, then another and then another. Soon he’s crying and screaming into the tile.</p><p>He slumps to the floor of the shower and he cries into his hands. He hopes that no one can hear how loud he’s crying. He hesitantly opens his eyes and he can see the bruises beginning to form on his arms and near his legs and he can see the water washing away the blood into the drain. He hopes that he can hide the bruises behind his uniform. And that’s when he remembers that he has a shift in the morning, and he knows there is no way he will be able to go to sleep tonight.</p><p>
  <em>At least Chase was kind enough to use lube. Even if it wasn’t a lot. </em>
</p><p>Buck doesn’t know how much time has passed but he blinks and finds himself back in his bed, hugging a pillow as he cries into it. He should have fought back. Logically he knows what Chase said can be a lie, but he felt so scared and paranoid that he would follow through on his threat.</p><p>Chase had just raped him…who knows what else he’s capable of?</p><p>
  <em>If you move, scream, cry or tell on me…I will kill that boy crush of yours and that cripple son of his. Understand? </em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Nothing happened the next night that Buck went home, but his anxiety was spiking up, making it impossible for him to sleep. He felt suffocated in his bed, so he ended up sitting in front of his bed, staring at his stairs, waiting for someone to come inside. But as the sun rose over the LA sky, spilling into his bedroom, no one came in.</p><p>He let out a sigh of relief when he heard his usual morning alarm ring on his phone. He shuts it off and he drags his sleep-deprived self into the shower and hopes that the chilly shower can wake him up.</p><p>He knows he should go talk to someone, but he can’t. He has to protect Eddie and Christopher, and Chase said that he would kill them if he talked. So he can’t talk. He thinks he can at least talk to Maddie, but then Buck gets scared that Chase would hurt her too.</p><p>
  <em>He’s alone in this fight</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>A few days later went by and Chase still hasn't come back to his house. Buck finally thinks he can take a sigh of relief and move on with his life. Mostly trying to win back the team. He knows it’s impossible and that he has a lot to do to get back in good graces, but he thinks he’s slowly getting there. At least he thinks he is because at least Hen and Chim are kind of talking to him. When he went into the loft to grab something to drink, Chim would toss the water bottle to Buck and go on about his day. Hen would invite him to play a round of a video game before Bobby would order him to go do his chores. He knows Bobby and Eddie would be the harder ones to get back to. It’s like there was a wall between Bobby and him now, and he can understand.</p><p>But Bobby could have pulled him aside and talked to him, at least tell him the reason he thought he wasn’t ready. And then this whole situation could have been avoided. The station doesn’t feel the same anymore. And while Chim and Hen are talking to him, he can feel the mad/cold vibes coming off of them, even though they were doing a piss poor job of hiding it. But as he said to himself, he understands because he hurt them in ways that he never should have.</p><p>Bobby, who Buck adores like a father just gives him chores to do, "my house my rules" kept echoing in his head. But what hurt Buck the most was Eddie, his best friend, just don't want to talk to him. Every advances Buck made were met with cold shoulders all week.</p><p>
  <em>I deserve it</em>
</p><p>He told Chase those things in confidence and he hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t be used against him, but it was and now he has to deal with what he has done.</p><p>Because of what happened between Chase and him that night, he hasn’t been eating well. He can see how he is losing weight, but since that night, he can’t bring himself to eat anything more than a few bites. The team would just glare at him until he felt so uncomfortable that he would leave and go back to his apartment with his anxiety going up and up as he went back. He can’t even think about sleeping, not when he can come back. He would just lie in bed for hours until the sun came up to cast shadows under his eyes.</p><p>He hoped that tonight would be the night that he can finally get some sleep because Chase hadn’t come back for almost a week. Buck sighed in relief when he opened the door to his apartment and he saw no one was there. He went through the motions of getting ready for bed. But just when he was about to close his eyes, he heard his door open and slam shut. And just before anything could happen, he retreated into his mind and blocked out what was going to happen to him.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>When Chase was done, Buck came back to reality when he heard the door close. He waited at least five minutes before he picked himself up from the bed. Dragging himself to the bathroom proved to be harder than usual. It took everything in him to just stand on his own two feet. He propped himself using the rails that were drilled into the side of the bathtub after his leg surgeries. He turned on the shower as he dropped to the bathtub floor on his knees. He whimpered at the pain of the impact, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He closed his eyes and hugged his legs to his chest, his face between his knees and he cries.</p><p>He cries out for so many things in that single moment. His team that he lost, his big sister, Eddie and his son. He wants nothing more than a hug from Eddie or Maddie. He feels like a lost little kid and his sister is the only one that can get through to him, but he can’t go to her. Not in fear of Chase doing something to her. He wished that Eddie was there to protect him, but he isn’t because of what he did.</p><p>Buck rubbed the water out of his eyes and he saw that the water was tinted with red washing into pink. He knows that he’s bleeding and it could be bad because of the blood thinners he’s on, but he can’t feel the physical pain.</p><p>
  <em>The only pain he feels is in his heart</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>When he wakes up the next day, he can see that he’s still on the bathroom floor, which would explain why his back and leg are hurting him so much. Buck goes through the motions of getting ready for work. Even when his leg is protesting loudly at the movements, he ignores and pushes through the pain.</p><p>When he gets into work, he tries but fails to hide the limp in his leg, and when he looked around, he saw that he was alone. But Athena walks into the station, dressed in uniform. Athena, bless her soul, all but runs to Buck and pulls him inside the locker room.</p><p>“Buck...baby are you ok? Is your leg hurting?” Athena asks as she sits Buck down on the bench. “Where are your pain meds?” Buck doesn’t say anything as he grips his leg in pain, but he points to his locker and Athena goes to rummage through his bag before pulling out an orange bottle labeled <em>Pain Meds, take 1</em>. She puts it in Buck’s hand and shoves a water bottle into his hand, coaxing him to drink. He sighs as the pill goes down his throat.</p><p>“You ok now?” Buck nods as he massages out the kinks in his bad leg. “What happened Buck? Why didn’t you tell anyone your leg was bothering you?” It hit Buck that Athena is unaware of what has been going on in the firehouse, he doesn’t want to get Bobby in trouble so he lies.</p><p>“It just started about a minute before you walked in, I was going to tell someone, but then I remembered my meds.” He hopes that Athena takes the lie, and she does.</p><p>“Are you sure you’re ok hun?” Athena asks as she puts her hands on his shoulders and fixes him a look only a concerned mother could have. It almost breaks Buck right then and there, but he can’t break.</p><p>“I’m fine, I was so tired from my shift yesterday that I forgot to do my nightly PT stretches,” Buck says but it wasn’t a complete lie. And while yes, he was tired from his shift, the only reason he forgot to do his PT exercises was because Chase was there, but he can’t say anything about that.</p><p>
  <em>At least not yet…</em>
</p><p>“I’m ok Athena, I promise,” Buck says, lying straight through his teeth but he must be doing a good job because Athena nods and smiles. Buck smiles back and says he needs to go back to his chores.</p><p>“You call me if you need anything at all...ok Buckaroo?” Buck nods but Athena guides his face back to look at her in the eyes. “Promise you will call me if you need anything?”</p><p>“I promise Athena”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Unlike the past times that Chase came into the room when he was asleep, Chase was already there waiting for him when he got home. Buck dropped his duffle bag to the floor and put his sweatshirt on the back of the chair and all but collapsed on the couch. That’s when he felt a presence behind him and when he turned around, he came face to face with Chase.</p><p>“Hello, my dear…” He said to Buck in a menacing voice and it sent shivers down his spine. And before he knows it, he’s on his hands and knees with Chase behind him.</p><p>Buck didn’t know how long this could go on, but he had to protect Eddie and Christopher...Chase would hurt them. But he has to talk to Athena because something Chase said that made his blood run cold.</p><p>
  <em>“You’re starting to bore me...maybe I’ll move on to that sister of yours”</em>
</p><p>That was the final straw for Buck.</p><p>
  <em>No one threatens his big sister</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck has the day off when he drives himself to the hospital the night after Chase left his apartment, his hands are shaking, his lower half is sore, and he felt so dirty. He parks his jeep and he takes a breath to try and steady his nerves. He looks at himself in the reflection in the rearview mirror and he swears he sees Chase in the back seat of his car but when he turns around, he’s alone in the car. He turns back around and looks in the mirror again and he can see how deep the bags under his eyes are for the first time since this whole thing started. Buck thinks back and he knows that this ordeal had been going on for a month. And while Chase only visited a handful of times, he knows that it was more than enough to get a conviction.</p><p>
  <em>At least he hopes it is.</em>
</p><p>He didn’t shower this time and even though it earned him a slap in the face, Buck turned around and scratched Chase, enough to leave a small red mark and some DNA under his untrimmed fingernails. He hadn’t trimmed his nails for this reason specifically. He takes a deep breath as he makes his way to the front desk and hesitantly tells the nurse at the front desk that he needs medical attention for some old injuries. The nurse is about to ask what type of injuries but they take one look in Buck’s eyes and they nod in understanding.</p><p>“Would you like to be examined in the emergency room or one of our private rooms?” asked the nurse.</p><p>“C-can I please have a private room?”</p><p>“Of course Mr. Buckley,” she says as she hands him back his ID and types in his information on the computer.</p><p>“Have a seat please, they’ll call you soon”</p><p>Buck waits for what seems like a while but he hears his name being called and he is led to a back room with a doctor.</p><p>“Hello, my name is Dr. Eddin. Now Mr. Buckley, what can I help you with?” asks the doctor as they take a seat near the computer.</p><p>“I...I’d like to get treated for some injuries.”</p><p>“Understood, but first can you please tell me where these injuries are?” Buck feels his breath pick up as he explained how he got the injuries. By the time he is done, Dr. Eddin looks one moment away from throwing up, they have heard and seen some horrible things in their 15 years of working, but the things this man has been through...Dr. Eddin has gained a whole new respect for their patient. They have been his doctor since the fire truck incident, and they are proud of how every time life throws something at Buck, he always comes back, but with this...they don’t know how anyone can come back from something like this.</p><p>“Would you like me to perform a rape kit?” asks Dr. Eddin and Buck suppresses a flinch at the word <em>rape</em>. That one word makes everything feel real. But Buck nods nonetheless.</p><p>“If you feel uncomfortable, please let me know and we will stop”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck has seen enough episodes of Law &amp; Order SVU to know that when a doctor is finished with a rape kit, their next move is to call the police, but when the doctor steps out of the room, Buck can put his clothes back on and slip out of the back area undetected. He checks out at the front and can drive back home in time to grab his duffle bag and head into work.</p><p>During his shift, he is still ignored by Bobby and Eddie. Bobby simply gives him a list of chores to do and Eddie glares at him whenever they make eye contact. Buck sighs and he goes to clean the locker room area. He hears a door open and he tenses automatically, but he lets out a breath when he remembers that he is at work and Chase can’t hurt him here. Buck looks behind him and sees Eddie rummaging through his locker and Buck takes a chance.</p><p>“H-hey Eddie?” Buck hates how his voice is breaking so quickly.</p><p>“What?” Eddie asks in a voice laced with hate and it makes Buck flinch slightly.</p><p>“D-do you think I can see Christopher tonight?” Buck asked, trying to tame the hope rising in him. It was crushed when Eddie spoke.</p><p>“Why in the hell would I allow you to see him?”</p><p>“Y-you said he has been having bad dreams, and today is Friday, which is usually movie night...I really want to see him…” Buck trails off and what Eddie says next breaks the last of his heart.</p><p>“You should have thought of that before you decided to spill the beans to that lawyer. If you miss movie night so much, then go bitch to him. You’re good at that much at least” Eddie says as he slams his locker shut and storms out of the room. Buck blinks at the words and it instantly reminds him of what Chase said:</p><p>
  <em>So good...you’re so good at being my bitch</em>
</p><p>Buck shakes his head, dispelling the oncoming flashback before he gets into it. He sighs and resumes his chores. He hears the call for lunch and he makes his way upstairs, just to at least get a little something small but he is stopped when he sees Hen and Chim looking at him in sympathy. Hen tosses him an orange juice from where she’s looking in the fridge. He catches it and gives Hen a grateful smile while she returns it. They must have heard what Eddie said to him downstairs. Before he can grab anything, he hears Bobby speak up.</p><p>“Athena! What are you doing here?” Bobby asks, smiling as he sees his wife. But the smile turns into a face of concern when he sees the devastation etched into her normally stoic demeanor. Bobby goes to maybe to give her a hug or something but she walks past him and walks straight to Buck. He looks at her and he knows that she knows. She takes off her sunglasses and he can see the horror in her eyes and he knows why she’s here.</p><p>“Buck...do you think you can come with me?” Athena asks in a gentle voice and Buck nods.</p><p>“Sorry Captain, but I’m going to have to borrow Buck for a little while,” Athena says in a voice that leaves no room for argument while she gently takes a hold of his arm. Bobby looks like he is about to say something but Athena holds up her hand.</p><p>“Buck? Baby, can you please go wait in the car? There’s your favorite smoothie from that fruit shack in the car waiting for you. You better go drink it before it melts.” Athena unlocks the car using the remote and Buck perks up a little at this news as he does what he’s told.</p><p>“Athena, what’s going on?” Bobby asks once Buck walks out of the station to the squad car. Athena drops her smile as the devastation takes the form of her once again. Concern courses through Bobby and he goes to give Athena come form of comfort but Athena shakes her head as she steps back.</p><p>“Buck is coming back to the station with me, but he’s going to need us now more than ever.”</p><p>“What can we do?” Hen asks instantly after Athena says this. Hen feels her motherly instincts surging through her. She always thought of Buck as her annoying little brother who happens to love her kid. Denny was devastated when Buck went down at the party they had for him. Karen and Hen spent all night reassuring Denny that his favorite uncle wasn’t going to die and she remembers when Buck was out of the hospital, he FaceTimed Denny until he fell asleep.</p><p>“There’s nothing we can do...just be there for him. He’s been through a lot and he’s been alone through it all” Athena says as she takes a deep breath and masks her features to a calm demeanor, but Bobby can see the haunted look in her eyes and it is scaring him. Athena is usually a very collected person throughout the day. Usually waiting for when she is alone or with Bobby to breakdown. She knows that she can count on him to bring her back to reality so she doesn’t lose herself. She’s still ever so thankful that Bobby was there for her when she finally solved the case of Emmett. Athena takes a shuddering breath in and out before squeezing Bobby’s hand and letting go.</p><p>“Our shift ends in about 30 minutes, we can meet you at the station, but can you tell us what’s going on?” asks Bobby, worry etching in his features.</p><p>“I-I can’t legally disclose that information. Plus I don’t feel comfortable telling you without his consent. But you just need to know that he needs us now. I have to go. I’ll see you at the station” Athena takes her leave and she leaves behind more questions than answers.</p>
<hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Forgive me if there are mistakes, this has no BETA because I don't want anyone to be triggered</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Answers still don’t come by the time the team makes it to the police station. A uniformed officer sees the 118 and beckons them to follow her.</p><p>“I assume you're here for Athena Grant? She told me we were to expect you” The officer says as they go to the 5th floor. “You’ll find her in office #3.”</p><p>“What floor is this? No one is telling us anything.” Bobby says, voicing the concerns of everyone in the elevator.</p><p>“This is the floor where Sex Crimes are handled.” Is all the officer says before the elevator closes on her. Everyone’s eyes widened at this information and before they can scream for more information, Maddie came up to them.</p><p>“Maddie, what’s going on? What’s happening?”</p><p>“I don’t know...no one is telling us anything. All I know is that I was called here because of Buck…” Chim then sees the fear in her eyes. She has that look every time Buck is in danger or something happens to him.</p><p>“Is Buck here because someone accused him of sexual assault or something?” Eddie asks in a nonchalant voice but is secretly worried. He knows about him being catfished before he arrived. He doesn’t get an answer right away, but what he does get is a smack to the back of his head. Not a very hard one, but one that has him turning around to face one angry Athena Grant.</p><p>“Don’t joke about that Eddie” Athena says and Eddie instantly feels bad.</p><p>“You’re right I’m sorry,” Eddie says looking away.</p><p>“We’re not here because Buck was accused of assault...we’re here because he’s reporting one…” No one said anything for what seemed like a while. The only thing that could be heard was the officers walking around and the occasional ringing of the phones.</p><p>“What?” Maddie seems to be the first to shake out of the shock. “Athena...are you saying someone hurt my brother?” Maddie felt tears well up in her eyes when Athena nodded her head.</p><p>“H-he’s in an office right now, he’s being interviewed. I’m off the case because they know how close I am to Buck...but they are allowing me to watch the interview. I asked Buck if he’s comfortable with you listening and he said it’s up to you.” Athena said as she went into the viewing room. The others are hesitant to follow but they do nonetheless.</p><p>Eddie’s heart is racing against his will. There were so many questions that he wanted to know the answer to. If Buck was the victim of something like this, that Athena brought him into the LAPD Sex Crimes Unit, then it has to be bad. With the feeling of anxiety, came the feeling of guilt and sickness. Eddie hopes that nothing horrible happened to Buck.</p><p>
  <em>Eddie was about to find out how wrong he was</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>“He was my lawyer” </em>
</p><p>So many things happen at the same time. The interviewing officer looks to the glass, indicating to the officer on the other side to find the person of that name.</p><p>“Do anyone of you know where he might be?” Before someone can answer, Buck, speaks again from the other side.</p><p>“I...um-I-I have his business card here. Maybe this can help. I don’t want him to hurt anyone else. But you can’t tell him I’m here.”</p><p>“Are you the only one he has hurt?” The officer texts the information to others to find Chase Mackey.</p><p>“Honestly...I don’t know.” Buck looks away.</p><p>“How long has this been going on?”</p><p>“Almost two months…”</p><p>“Before I ask you this, I am in no way, shape or form, victim-blaming you, but why did you wait so long to report this? Did he threaten you?”</p><p>“No, he didn’t threaten me. He told me he’d kill me but what he did was worse than death. He threatened the others” Buck says bringing his hands together, anxiety is racing through him as he rocks forward and backward a little.</p><p>“Others? Can you elaborate on that?” Buck’s eyes widen at this because remembering what Chase said to him means he will have to remember everything that happened to him. The officer seems to pick up on this and waves a hand.</p><p>“It’s ok. We can take a break if you need one” Buck lets out a sigh of relief at this and nods. “Is there anyone you want me to call?”</p><p>“No...I’m alone in this fight” Buck looks up and everyone can see his glassy blue eyes.</p><p>“Well...Sergeant Grant is outside waiting for you. You want me to call her in?” Buck nods his head no. “What about your sister?” Buck’s head jerks up at this.</p><p>“NO! I-I can’t let her see me like this…please” Buck practically begs, but deep down he knows that they are already outside, watching him like a circus on display. He takes a shuddering breath as he gets up.</p><p>“Do you think I can use your bathroom?” the officer nods and maps out how to get to the bathroom through the back and away from the chaos in the bullpen.</p><p>Meanwhile outside, no one had any words to describe how they were feeling. They were rendered speechless by this new information.</p><p>“T-two months? This has been happening for two months? How did we not see this?” Hen asked in disbelief. She turns to her partner Chim and he has the same look in his eyes. Hen has tears welling up in her eyes, each time she thinks about what Buck said, it sends a squeeze in her heart. Chim looked like he was ready to join her in devastation. He looks to where Buck had been sitting and he had seen the isolation in his eyes. It stung when he heard Buck say he was alone. Chim wanted to tell him that he wasn’t, but he knows that it’s impossible to get through to him right now. When he thinks back to the previous months, it makes him feel sick when he realizes that he hadn’t interacted much with Buck since the end of the lawsuit.</p><p>Bobby’s knees are weak by the time Buck walks out of the room. How could he have failed him so badly? He thinks back to every attempt that Buck tried to reach to him, but it was always met with a list of chores and a wave of dismissal. Bobby had been hurt by Buck’s decision to sue the department for his job back, but he used it to justify his behavior and now Buck has suffered for it.</p><p>While the others are taking in the horror, Eddie is in deep denial about it. There is no possible way...it’s impossible. Buck couldn’t have gone through this...through something so horrific. There has to be an explanation for this, maybe it was stress-induced nightmares, or it was a very vivid dream. Either way, Eddie hopes and prays with everything that he hasn’t made such a horrible mistake and Buck had to pay the price for it.</p><p>He is startled out of his thoughts when the door to the viewing room opens and Buck steps through. Buck is about to go back into the office when he looks to the side and sees everyone staring at him.</p><p>“Aw shit…” Buck says in a quiet tone. Maddie takes a step over to him but stops when Buck takes a step back. Maddie’s eyes widen at this, but she does not make another attempt to approach. Eddie, on the other hand, takes a step towards Buck and the latter is unable to step back because he is against the wall. Sensing the uneasiness, Eddie stops in front of Buck.</p><p>“Are you serious?” Is the first thing that is asked. Buck’s eyes widen a little at this.</p><p>“What?” Buck asks back after not being able to think of anything for a while.</p><p>“T-there is no way in hell that this happened. Stop lying…A-are you sure it wasn’t a vivid dream?” A quiet gasp goes through the rest of the team behind him and Eddie wants to take the words back. Instead of saying anything, Buck makes an angry face and grabs the hem of his shirt and lifts it.</p><p>“Does this look like it was a dream?!” Buck exposes one side of his hips and it shows an angry handprint in the form of a bruise. Eddie wanted to take a look at it, but as soon as it was exposed, it was gone. Buck puts his shirt back down and begins to march towards Eddie who involuntarily took some steps back. “He broke into my house and he forced me, every single time, to have sex with him. The first time it happened, I tried to fight back but he had a gun to my head. I didn’t care if I died right then and there but then he told me that he’s not going to kill me. When I knew what was going to happen, I tried to leave but he said that if I did anything, he’ll kill you and Christopher if I didn’t listen to him.” Buck says as he pants, finally getting everything out of his system. The officer that was originally interviewing him was standing off to the side, taking notes on everything that Buck was saying.</p><p>“B-Buck…” Eddie says as he reaches out to Buck, but he shakes his head and steps back, not nearly done.</p><p>“I thought that was the end of it…but he came by again and again. You know what he told me?” The officer then walks into the room and begins to guide Buck to the room. “He said he’d force me to watch as he rapes my sister before killing her! He said he’d kill all of you if I didn’t listen to him. He told me that he would force Christopher to watch as he fucks you with the barrel of a gun before emptying all 8 bullets into you that way before shooting Chris in the face!”</p><p>“That’s enough Buck, let’s finish the interview.” Santana grabs a hold of his shoulders and guides him back into the room. When the door closes, Eddie feels everything he had to eat that day come up, and he barely made it to the trash can in the corner. He spilled all of his stomach’s content into the bin and then some. He feels someone behind him, running their hand up and down his back but he waves it off. He doesn't deserve this comfort, not when he treated Buck so cruelly.</p><p>When nothing else came out and he was left with dry heaving, he was handed a bottle of water by a custodian. Eddie sat back on the floor and quietly apologized to the custodian who was left to clean his mess.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it, hun. I see this stuff all the time” says the custodian as they wave it off. As they get to cleaning, Eddie looks over at Athena and he can see the color leaving her face.</p><p>“Athena?” Hen asks and almost jumps back when Athena looks at them and fat tears are running down her face.</p><p>“He hurt him…” She says quietly to herself. Hen tilts her head to the side, silently asking her to speak up. “He hurt him...that bastard hurt my boy,” Athena says as Bobby helps her sit down on the couch.</p><p>Not a moment later, there is a commotion in the lobby. When Eddie peaks out of the shades, he feels his blood boil. The rage he’s been trying so hard to contain is threatening to burst at the seams and out of his skin. He’s been angry at so many things throughout his life since being deployed. He was angry about Shannon leaving and then dying before he could confront his true feelings about her. For staying away from his son when he was a baby and missing some important milestones in his life. He was angry at Buck for suing him, cutting off contact with him. How his life had been falling apart around him and he had no control.</p><p>But right here and now, he wasn’t mad.</p><p>
  <em>He was enraged. And it was all at Chase Mackey, the man struggling against the arresting officers. </em>
</p><p>It did not calm when he was taken into an interrogation room. He forced himself to look back at Buck who was still being questioned and he forced himself to listen.</p><p>“Can you describe the first night of the incident?”</p><p>“It was a Friday night and I was by myself. I ate a frozen dinner, took my meds and went to bed. I was almost asleep when I heard a noise, I hadn’t gotten that much sleep, so I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. So I didn’t think much of it. But then I felt someone lift the comforter off of me and I felt a gun to the side of my head. I saw that it was Chase. He had a gun to my head and I heard a belt unbuckle, that’s when I knew what his intentions were. I tried to fight back but he said something that made me stop, and I let him do…that to me. But I didn’t want him to! I swear!” Santana holds up a hand.</p><p>“I understand. No means no here ok? If you didn’t want it, then you didn’t want it. Please continue. What did he say to you?” Buck nods as he takes a breath to steady himself.</p><p>“H-he said…um. He said that he would kill Eddie and ‘his cripple son’ if I fought him.” Buck air quotes the last bit. Santana nods and takes down a few notes.</p><p>On the other side, Eddie is clenching his fists so hard that Hen has to grab them so he doesn’t hurt himself on his nails. Eddie breathes through the anger and unclenches his fists. He looks over to Buck and sees that they have stopped talking. He looks over to Athena for advice on what to do now, but she is staring hard into a room. Eddie looks into the room and has to restrain himself from clenching his fists again. On the other side, is Chase Mackey being questioned.</p><p>“That’s Officer Bari. They’re the best interrogation officer on the floor. If anyone will make Mackey talk, it’s them.”</p><p>“Do you know why you’re here?” Asks Bari, cutting straight to the chase.</p><p>“No…but I have a pretty good idea…” Chase breaks eye contact with Bari and looks to the one-way mirror. “He told you what happened?” To everyone’s anger, Chase starts laughing, as if he finds everything funny.</p><p>“You want to tell me what’s so funny?” Bari asks, standing up and leans against the wall.</p><p>“I know how this works so let me save you the trouble. I’m here because Evan Buckley finally grew some balls and told the police about me. Well, I did it. Whatever he said I did, I did.” Bari and Athena are in shock, that was easy…too easy. Mackey looks at Bari and smirked. “You’re probably wondering why I did this, so let me tell you. That bitch fucked me out of 7 million dollars, so I thought <em>let me return the favor.” </em>Chase said shrugging nonchalantly.</p><p>Athena is tense with rage on the other side. Bobby puts a hand on her shoulder but she shrugs it off. She is too upset and pissed off right now to be comforted. She looks over to Maddie who has both her hands against the glass, staring at her brother. She stares at him, longing to be on the other side with him. But he said that he doesn’t want to see anyone. She sniffs as she presses her face to the cold glass. It feels nice against her hot blotched teary-eyed face, but it does nothing to calm the anger in her heart at the bastard who did this to him. Chimney watches her from behind, he wants to comfort her, but he’s struggling with this new information himself. Hen’s hands are shaking as she stares at Chase on the other side.</p><p>Bobby…Bobby is inconsolable. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen, he only wanted to keep Buck safe. But his behavior lead to this, and now he has to deal with his choices. He wishes that he didn’t hold Buck back, because if he didn’t then Buck wouldn’t have had to reach out to Chase and everything would never have spiraled out of control.</p><p>Eddie feels disgusted with himself. His best friend, the one who has stolen his heart, has been hurt and it’s all his fault. Eddie can feel the rage beneath his skin, but he also feels sadness, regret, horror and a mixture of so many negative emotions. He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears off his face when he looks to Buck. Eddie wants to hug him, to tell him that he’s there for him, but he knows that it’s all a pipedream because of what he’s done. As he spirals into these thoughts, he feels a hand on his shoulder, when he looks beside him, he sees Carla. He didn’t expect her to be here.</p><p>“Carla? What are you doing here?”</p><p>“When I hear my boy is in trouble, I’m there,” Carla says, giving Eddie a cold stare. He looks away in shame, knowing he deserves it. He looks back when Carla’s hand doesn’t leave his shoulder. “What’s going on in that head?”</p><p>“He was all alone...he had no one…” Eddie says as more tears rush down his face. He joins Maddie next to the glass and stares at Buck, wishing with everything that he has that he could morph through the glass and be with Buck on the other side. He wants to hold Buck in his arms and never let him go, to protect him from Chase, even though it was too late.</p><p>“He has Maddie, Athena, Chris and I, you all are going to have to work your asses off to make it up to him. Or at least have the privilege to call him your friend again.” Carla says before walking into the room. Buck looks up from where he’s sitting and almost breaks down at the sight of someone who’s always been there for him.</p><p>“Hey Buckaroo,” Carla says as she takes a seat. Before they can hear anything else, Athena pushed a button on the speaker to mute the sound.</p><p>“This is a conversation between them. We don’t need to hear it right now.” Athena says, knowing that even though they want to know what they are saying, it is ultimately a private conversation. Everyone nodded in understanding before it was interrupted by Chase laughing. The sound sent chills up Eddie’s spine as he turns to see what the fuck is so funny.</p><p>“It was so easy to get him to be my perfect submissive. All I had to do was threaten that boy crush of his and that idiotic crippled son of his. Do you know what he said? He said <em>I won't fight you, I'll be your perfect whore, just please don't touch either of them, I’m begging you, please don't hurt Chris or Eddie. I’ll do whatever you want."</em> Chase said, smirking while sitting back in his chair and staring outside the glass as if he knows Eddie is watching.</p><p>Everyone looks to Eddie and as he stepped back, he fell to the ground.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie doesn’t know what happened, one minute he was staring Chase Mackey through the glass and the next he was on the couch with everyone surrounding him.</p><p>“Wh-what happened?” Eddie asks as someone hands him a bottle of water.</p><p>“You fainted. It must have been the shock.” Hen says, shining a flashlight in Eddie’s eyes. He sighs as he remembers what Chase said before he fainted. Buck...oh his best friend had gone through hell, and it was all because of him. Chase threatened him and his son, and instead of fighting back, Buck let himself be hurt in the most horrible way. He looks back at Buck and sees him leaning into Carla as she speaks. He goes to stand back up when Bobby speaks.</p><p>“Eddie...I don’t think you should hear any more”</p><p>“No...I have to know” Eddie says as he stands up and looks back into the room.</p><p>“Buck was a strong guy when I met him. He was able to overcome every obstacle that was thrown at him. He was strong, but so weak when it came to Eddie. Tell me, Eddie, how does it feel to know this is all your fault?” He asks as he fake smiles and stares at the people behind the glass. “He wasn’t even that decent of a lay. Now he’s ruined and it’s all thanks to the people he considered family and-” Chase is about to say something else but is stopped when the glass separating the rooms is broken.</p><p>Eddie doesn’t remember how it happened, and he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone. But when Chase blamed him for what happened to Buck, Eddie was about to collapse in sorrow and despair but felt the rage bubble to the surface. That’s when he involuntarily punched the glass. He didn’t expect it to break, but when it did, and he came face to face with Chase, he snapped. Eddie was about to climb over the window and God knows what to that bastard, but he was held back by the team. He could tell they were struggling to hold him back. Even Athena was having trouble keeping a hold on him. Maddie screamed for more officers to help and it took the entire team plus two security guards to pry Eddie off of the window and out of the room.</p><p>“Take him to another room” Athena orders as she takes a moment to compose herself. The officers drag Eddie into a room and they force him to sit. After taking a deep breath, he looks up to see Athena with her hands on her hips.</p><p>“You want to tell me what that was?” Athena asked with her police voice. It made Eddie want to hide, but he had to face this head-on.</p><p>“I-I honestly don’t know. When he said that about Buck, I snapped and I wanted to hit him. Make him pay for hurting Buck that way.” Eddie says looking at Athena in the eyes to know he’s not lying. She sighs and nods her head.</p><p>“I get it, Eddie. I want to hurt him too.” She says as she nods and lets a tear escape her eye.</p><p>“I want him to suffer like he made Buck suffer...I-I can’t just sit here and do nothing!” Eddie gets up and begins to pace. He feels trapped as he runs his fingers through his hair.</p><p>“But that’s exactly what we’ll do with Chase for now. They will take care of the rest and we need to be there for Buck now...ok?” Eddie nods as Athena leads him back to the room where the others are.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Mackey has been taken into booking,” Santana says as they sigh deeply and rub their forehead. The door opens to Buck’s room and Carla steps out. She motions for Maddie to enter the room and she all but bolts into the room. She immediately takes the empty chair next to Buck. She waits right beside him and doesn’t say anything. Maddie knows that her brother is in a bad place right now and doesn’t want to startle him. It isn’t long before he leans to his side and his head falls onto Maddie’s shoulder. She immediately wraps an arm around his shoulders.</p><p>“Oh, Evan...I’m so sorry…” Maddie says, devastation taking every form of her. How could this happen to her little brother? How could she not see how bad it was getting?</p><p>“This isn’t your fault Maddie,” Buck says and it’s the nail in the coffin in her emotions. She lets the tears fall and she looks to Buck.</p><p>“How could I not see what was happening?”</p><p>“Because I didn’t want you to…I had to protect you” Buck says in a distant voice. And Maddie knows that Buck isn’t mentally there, not completely anyway.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can tell me anything and everything, right? You know that…just like I can come to you” Maddie says but is rattled confused when Buck makes a noise of disbelief. She turns to him.</p><p>“Buck…you know you can talk to me right? I can always talk to you and-“</p><p>“I know Maddie…but I couldn’t tell anyone. I was so scared he’d hurt you and you’ve been through enough. I had to protect you…I failed once…I couldn’t fail you again” Buck says in a tired voice. Maddie felt pain and sadness in her heart. God how could she allow this to happen. She looks at Buck now and she can see how much weight he’s lost, the bags under his eyes are darkened, and he looks one bad hit away from falling over. She sniffs and feels her heart squeeze when Buck looks up at her and she can see the haunted look in his eyes. She knows that look anywhere, she had the same look when she escaped Doug. She hesitates to cup Buck’s face, but he doesn’t move away. She smiles sadly as she places a kiss on Buck’s forehead.</p><p>“I’m a horrible sister…” Maddie says with guilt in her voice. This has Buck look up in confusion.</p><p>“How? You didn’t do anything wr-“</p><p>“I didn’t see how bad you were doing. You look like you're wasting away to nothing Buck, and I didn’t even see it. I haven’t seen you in a while and that’s my fault. I’m a bad big sister…I left you behind once when I went with Doug. When I came back I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again. That I would never abandon the best person in my family again…but I did and for that, I am sorry I hurt you I am so sorry” Maddie says through tears. Maddie slumps into the chair and cries into her hands. She stops when Buck grabs her arms away from her face, she comes in eye contact with him.</p><p>“Maddie this isn’t your fault...none of this is. You didn’t see this because I didn’t want you to. There are things I hide from you...just like there are things you hide from me.”</p><p>“I don’t hide-”</p><p>“Tara?” Buck fixes her a look and Maddie deflates.</p><p>“Ok...ok you’re right. But I am sorry I couldn’t help you. You didn’t need to go through this alone Buck, I would have helped you in an instant, they would have too” Maddie says gesturing to the people on the other side and something inside of Buck breaks as he straightened himself from where he was leaning on Maddie. She looks confused at this and when she looks to Buck in concern, he avoids her eyes for a moment until Santana comes into the room.</p><p>“Hello Buck, I’ve just come to let you know that we’ve taken Chase into booking, and even though this case should be good to take to court, your apartment is still a crime scene, so you won’t be able to go back home tonight. Is there someone you can stay with?” Buck doesn’t answer for what seems like a while, so Santana finishes. “Well as long as you stay out of your apartment for at least a week, you should be fine.” They are about to leave the room when Buck speaks up “he got into my house somehow...he used a key or picked the lock. He was already waiting for me one night, I don’t know how he did it” Buck says in a guarded voice. This rattles Santana because not even 30 minutes ago, Buck was on the verge of crying, but then again, everyone reacts to sexual assault differently. “I have no more questions, but I am inclined to give you these. Since you are a member of the LAFD, they probably won’t let you back into work before seeing a counselor or a therapist. So here are some recommendations.” Santana puts a printed paper on the table and takes their leave.</p><p>Maddie squeezes Buck’s arm and they slowly take their leave out of the room. Buck runs straight into the others and everyone looks like they are about to say something.</p><p>“Buck I-” Eddie says but is cut off when buck holds up his hand to stop.</p><p>“I don’t need your tears or your sympathy or whatever is you’re trying to offer. Just save it, I’m done” Buck says with a word of finality and walks towards the elevators. Athena, Carla, and Maddie follow him, leaving the 118 in their wake with no idea what to do now.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Forgive me if there are mistakes, this has no BETA because I don't want anyone to be triggered</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck left the room and went towards the elevators that the women minus Hen went after him. He took a hitching breath and Maddie was right there to catch him as he fell. Athena and Maddie gently guided him into a nearby bench and sat him down. Maddie looked over and saw that Eddie was trying to make his way over to them and she blocked him from approaching. Carla and Athena were there with Buck, they each grab his hand and ground him to the present, even if that’s the last place he wants to be. It seems like a while before Buck spoke.</p><p>“Now what do I do?” Buck asks because he has no idea where to go from here. Athena squeezes his hand in reassurance.</p><p>“Well, one thing that you aren’t going to do is blame yourself,” Carla says and Buck looks like he’s about to protest but Athena fixes him a look, so he doesn’t say anything.</p><p>“The next thing you are going to do is decide where you want to stay. You heard the officer, you can’t stay at your house until the investigation is over.” Athena says, taking the reins and Buck slowly nods. “I’d offer you my place but Bobby is there…and I don’t think you want to see him right now…” Buck nods his head no at this but Athena understands. Her husband fucked up and even though he knows it, she’s still going to give him a verbal ass-kicking.</p><p>“It might be a little crowded, but you can always stay with me and my husband Buck.” Carla offers next but Buck nods his head no at this as well.</p><p>“Carla, you have a husband and three kids at your house, while I love you and the offer, I could not impose on your family like that” Buck says, smiling at Carla and she lovingly pats his arm. It isn’t long before Buck sheds a tear and then more begins to come out.</p><p>“God…I’ve lost everything…”</p><p>“You haven’t lost everything Buck, you still have the others, and you still have me,” Maddie says, taking a seat next to Carla, she pushes Eddie back into the room and demanded that he say there until Buck is gone from the floor.</p><p>“I still don’t know where to go from here…I don’t want to feel stuck”</p><p>“What do you want to do hun? Right now…not in the long run, not tomorrow, but right now.” Carla speaks up.</p><p>“Well…I know I want to go home….but I can’t because of the investigation…I want to get some sleep. Then in the morning…I can figure the rest out…right?” Buck comes to the realization but then looks to the other in a questioning stare.</p><p>“If you want to Buck, you can come back home with me. If you don’t want to, then you can go home with Eddie.” Maddie says, she thinks back to how Eddie wanted to take him home, but after everything that has happened, Maddie doesn’t want Buck to be anywhere near Eddie. Not after belittling his trauma…again. But in the end, it’s up to her brother.</p><p>“Can I go with you?” Buck asks in a small hesitant voice, Maddie has to push the concern down because she knows that something like sexual assault can bring out the insecurities that people try so hard to battle. She saw it in herself, she saw it in others, and she saw it as a nurse.</p><p>“Of course you can Buck, you never have to ask. Not ever little big brother.” Maddie teases and smiles when she sees a little bit of the tension leave his shoulders.</p><p>“Thanks, big little sister” Buck smiles, and even though it doesn’t reach his ears like it always does, she’ll take it as a win. She gathers Buck’s things and they all head out of the door together. The elevator closes on the rest of the 118 looking at Buck with longing, but he looks away as the doors close on their faces.</p><p>And Buck wants to laugh at the fact that he’s the one turning his back on them and not the other way around.</p><p>
  <em>Ironic isn’t it?</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Even though it’s late, they had been at the precinct for over 5 hours and Buck hadn’t eaten anything. Maddie offered to cook some food for all of them but Athena and Carla promised they would stop by tomorrow to see Buck, as they had to get back to their families. Buck shivered at the thought that Bobby was going to be at the end of Athena Grant’s rage. But a small part of him was almost…glad? He felt horrible for feeling a little bit better at the fact that Bobby was finally going to get a small taste of what he’s been through.</p><p>“You need to eat something…” Maddie says as she put down a glass of water in front of Buck from where he is sitting on the kitchen island.</p><p>“I’m not hungry…”</p><p>“It feels like you aren’t but the rumbling in your stomach is telling me otherwise” Right on cue, Buck’s stomach lets out a big protest at the lack of food inside, and Buck falters, a little sheepish.</p><p>“Ok, you’re right…I know I’m hungry…but I don’t think I can stomach anything right now…” Buck says as he looks down.</p><p>“How about some of mom’s chicken soup? I know it’s usually only broth but I can add some noodles to fill you up a little more…how’s that sound?” Buck nods and Maddie takes out the ingredients for a small meal. In reality, Buck doesn’t want to eat, he wants to go to sleep and avoid looking at himself in the mirror. He wants to sleep for a long time to avoid the feelings that come with the aftermath of rape. He avoided it once, he can do it again…only last time it was with a woman…and maybe he was asking for it? He didn’t say no…but he didn’t say yes either.</p><p>He knows he talked to Carla once about it. She talked about the stages following a sexual assault, and he experienced all of them in a day. It left him with an emotional whiplash that he wasn’t ready to deal with. And now that it happened again, he still isn’t ready to deal with what the woman did…and he isn’t ready to deal with what Chase did. He knows he’s in denial right now…a part of him thinks that it will go away if he doesn’t think about it. But the other part of him knows that is not an option…if he wants to go back to work, then he needs to face them head-on with a therapist…but not tonight. Right now, he pushes the thoughts and trauma out from his mind and looks up when Maddie puts down a bowl of chicken broth with noodles and sets a plate down of mini biscuits in the middle. She refills the water and goes to get the get room ready.</p><p>“Maddie it’s fine. You don’t have to do this” Buck says as he sees Maddie come back out.</p><p>“Oh stop…Buck, you took me when I needed help. Even after 3 years of not talking to you…you didn’t kick me out, didn’t judge me, you weren’t even mad at me. God knows you had every right to be…and I don’t think I properly thanked you for that did I?” Maddie leans on the island and looks away in thought. Their sibling relationship suffered because of Maddie’s unintended absence.</p><p>She remembers being so terrified that Doug would come find her, but she had been even more so at the thought that Buck would kick her out and tell her to leave. Lord knows she deserved it after the way she left things. A lonely childhood without his sister and a piss poor goodbye was what she left behind. And when Maddie was in the shower, she spent the whole time thinking about how she can apologize and hopefully earn Buck’s trust back. And she was moved to tears when Buck didn’t give her any shit…that’s her Buck…that’s her little brother. An adult with the spirit of a child and who wears his heart on his sleeve. She’s proud of the person he became…even without her. She missed so much and she feels that there’s still a wall between them because of the absence. But Maddie hopes that one day it will be broken down and Buck can let her in again.</p><p>“Maddie you’re my sister. I wasn’t going to kick you out. I would never do that to you.” Maddie gives Buck a watery smile and wraps her arms around Buck and she hates how small he feels. Buck is taller and bigger than her, anyone with eyes can see that, but right now, he feels like a kid again. Running to his big sister for protection from something scary.</p><p>“I love you Buck…you’re the best little brother I’ve ever had…”</p><p>“…I’m your only brother…” Buck pulls back a little amused.</p><p>“All the more reason you’re my favorite” Maddie smiles as she pats his head and goes to finish the guest room. Buck smiles a little and is done with his food before Maddie comes back in the room.</p><p>“Athena said that Carla and she will get some clothes from your apartment and will stop by tomorrow. Meanwhile, you can wear what’s on the bed.” Buck grabs his plates and is about to clean up when Maddie stops him.</p><p>“Let me. You go get ready for bed” Maddie with a voice of finality and Buck relents as he goes to change. Buck brushes his teeth with his toothbrush that he keeps there and goes to change into more comfortable clothes but stops.</p><p>“Are these Chimney’s clothes?!” Buck yells out from the bedroom and he hears Maddie laugh a little.</p><p>“Yes! Just wear them!” Maddie yells back and Buck lets out a groan. It’s not that wearing someone else’s clothes is a bad thing, it’s just that since Chimney is smaller, they won’t fit as well, but he only sleeps in shirts and boxers anyway, so he supposes it won’t hurt to sleep in a size smaller than usual. He sheds his work uniform that he had been stuck with all day and sighed in relief when the soft fabric was settled on his person. He puts his dirty clothes in the laundry basket in the corner, intending to wash it in the morning. He settles in the bed and he knows that he should be drifting off to sleep immediately, but his brain is bringing back everything that has happened.</p><p>He feels suffocated and trapped in the comforter that he used to find comforting. Buck can feel his anxiety spiking and even more so when he hears a door slam. He shoots up in bed and lets out a cry as he scrambles into a corner. Maddie comes into the room in an instant and sees that Buck is staring straight at the entrance of the door.</p><p>Maddie accidentally slammed the door to where the dishes go a little too hard and she heard Buck scream. She took off to the bedroom and sees that Buck isn’t entirely there. It hit her then that he’s probably stuck in a flashback. Instead of calling out to him, she sits next to him on the floor and offers her hand. He eyes it and he gently takes it. Buck’s breathing begins to quicken and Maddie squeezes his hand to bring him back.</p><p>“Come back to me Buck. I don’t know where you are, but I need you to come back to me right now. Don’t lose yourself, little brother.” She hopes that by speaking to him, Maddie can prevent Buck from dissociating. She keeps gently squeezing his hand and talking to him.</p><p>“I know you’re scared, Buck…I am too. Not of Chase, but for your future. I know this can change any one person, and sometimes change is for the better. But I hope you still have room for me when you change. I love you…so please come back” that seems to have done the job because one minute Buck has a blank stare and the next, he’s sobbing into Maddie’s side. She closes her eyes and brings him in.</p><p>“He can’t hurt you anymore…I promise”</p><p>“Y-you can’t promise that Maddie…he’ll hurt you! H-he’ll hurt Chris and-“</p><p>“This isn’t your fault, you didn’t ask for this to happen to you,” Maddie says, able to drag Buck to sit on the bed because her butt was beginning to go numb. “What’s going on inside your mind Buck?”</p><p>“I don' t know how to talk about it because I feel that...that my facts aren’t straight. I mean I know it happened...but everything is still a little blurred together. I know he was coming because I would hear the door open and slam shut when he came and left. I still don't know why I didn't fight back immediately. He was really…scary.” Buck hated how childish he sounded, but there was no other way to put it at that moment. “I didn’t fight back because I thought it was just going to be once and I could move on with life but he just kept coming back…god this is so complicated!” Buck runs his fingers through his hair in frustration.</p><p>“You know it's ok to have complicated feelings about this whole thing...just be kind to yourself Buck”</p><p>“I’m an adult…I should be able to deal with this alone”</p><p>“Buck…being a functional adult doesn't mean dealing with this situation and everything else by yourself. It's ok to ask for help. I’m here” Buck nods and shuttering, emotions of the day finally taking a toll on him, in more ways than one. He allows Maddie to help him get back in the bed and she pulls the comforter back over him. She runs her hands through his hair, just like she did when he was a kid.</p><p>“I’ll be here until you fall asleep” And that’s exactly what Maddie did until she heard Buck’s breathing even out.</p><p>
  <em>I’ll protect you now…</em>
</p><p>Maddie vows this to herself as she quietly slips out of the room. She logically knows that Buck is safe and so is she, but she pulls out her phone to arm the locks around the house and will alert her if there is any movement outside. She makes sure the kitchen is clean before slipping into her bedroom and closing the door, leaving it open just a crack in case Buck needs anything. Maddie sighs as she is about to turn off the light, but stops and digs out her old baseball bat and put it next to her bed.</p><p>
  <em>He won’t come…but just in case…</em>
</p><p>As Maddie lies in bed, sleep evades her as she thinks to what Buck said. Chase threatened to rape her…and Buck didn’t say anything to anyone because he was so afraid of that happening. Maddie felt tears welling up in her eyes at the thought that her little brother was alone through such a terrible ordeal. The little brother protecting the big sister…that’s not how it works.</p><p>
  <em>It’s not supposed to work that way</em>
</p><p>Maddie lets out a shaky exhale at the thought that Buck had been abused just to protect her…she knows that Buck would do anything for her, just like she would do anything for him…but this? This is unheard of…this was never supposed to happen. Maddie turns over in her bed and thinks about how she can help Buck, just like he helped her.</p><p>
  <em>She’ll help fix things…starting with Eddie Diaz.</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck’s surroundings came back to him slowly. He groans when he realizes that he’s in the same position he went to sleep in. It was then he realized that he went to sleep at all. Usually, around 3 am is when he wouldn’t sleep because he was terrified that Chase would come back. But he remembers the events from yesterday and he knows that he can sleep safely, but that doesn’t stop the paranoia from coming around and seeking shelter in his mind. He feels the need to go back to sleep overwhelming, so he turns around and feels himself drifting off.</p><p>He hears two voices down the hall, and he swears it's Maddie yelling at…someone? Buck can’t tell before he’s gone.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>The next time he wakes up, he feels a small weight on his chest. Before the panic sets in, he knows that weight like the back of his hand.</p><p>But that’s impossible…there’s no way…</p><p>As the rest of him comes around, he feels a tiny hand tracing a random pattern near his heart and there’s a huff of small breaths against his neck. He waits, trying to savor this moment. He feels the tracing stop and he knows he’s been caught.</p><p>“Christopher?” Buck asks in a voice of disbelief.</p><p>
  <em>Is this a dream? </em>
</p><p>“H-hi Buck,” Christopher says quietly as he runs a hand up and down where his heart is. It’s a comforting gesture that Christopher picked up after the tsunami. He would run his hands on Buck’s chest to feel his heartbeat, to make sure his Buck is still with him.</p><p>“O-oh my god...Hi!” Buck quickly gets up from his position and pulls him close. Chris doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Buck’s neck and squeezes as hard as his little body can muster, which isn’t a lot but Buck understands. He hugs him back just as fiercely, afraid that if he lets go, Chris will disappear and he won’t see him again for another long time. He hears a noise off to the side and he sees Eddie peeking into the bedroom and Buck can see the tears and pain in his eyes. Buck knows he should feel...something at the fact that Eddie’s tears don’t affect him in the way that they used to, but he supposes that it’s because he’s still mad at him.</p><p>
  <em>Buck ignores him, focusing on his favorite Diaz in his arms. </em>
</p><p>“Let me look at you…” Buck pulls Chris off of him a little bit to look at his face and feels his heart squeeze in pain at the tears in Christopher’s eyes.</p><p>“Did I do something bad? Is that why you didn’t come and see me?” Christopher asks and Buck can see the tears forming in his eyes.</p><p>“Oh...oh no sweetheart...no it wasn’t you. I promise this wasn’t you” Christopher nodded but still didn’t look convinced, Buck smiled sadly and used two fingers to lift Christopher’s chin to look up. “Hey...kiddo would I lie to you?”</p><p>“N-no. You’re my Buck...and my Buck doesn’t lie” Christopher says like it’s gospel and it might as well be. Buck feels something inside him break, but he doesn’t want to cry and scream in front of Chris, so he simply pulls him back and lets out a few tears. He hesitantly looks up and sees Eddie is still looking at them. Buck tilts his head because he can’t tell what the emotion is in Eddie’s eyes...longing? Buck doesn’t have time to figure it out because he hears a small cry. He leans back and sees Christopher has tears running down his face.</p><p>“Oh baby what’s wrong? I’m here now” Buck smiles sadly as he kisses Christopher’s forehead.</p><p>“I...I just missed you a lot, Buck”</p><p>“Oh my love...I-I missed you too. With all my heart” Buck starts tearing up at this and does even more when Chris puts his two hands on the side of Buck’s face and wipes the tears away. Buck kisses Christopher on the top of his head again. “I missed you every day, I’m sorry I was gone”</p><p>“Daddy said it was because a bad man was mean to you...is the bad man gone?” Christopher asked with the biggest eyes Buck has ever seen.</p><p>“Yes, Chris...he’s gone now. He can’t hurt you, I’ll do anything to protect you from that man” Chris nods as he wraps his small arms around Buck again and he doesn’t let go. But Buck feels the tight grip slacken and he knows that Chris fell asleep. He carefully lays Chris on the bed, takes off his shoes, glasses and tucking him in the bed. And even though Buck woke up not even 30 minutes ago, he still feels tired because it’s the most sleep he’s gotten since this whole ordeal started. He shutters as he lays down again and he simply stares at Chris as he runs his fingers through the curly hair. It seems to relax the kid fully. He hears footsteps and when he looks up he sees Eddie hesitantly approaching the bed, he’s extending his arms to reach for Christopher, to...what? Buck doesn’t know and he doesn’t find out because the second Eddie is close to the bed, Buck’s arm shoots out and wraps around the tiny body to pull closer to him and away from Eddie.</p><p>“No! D-don’t...p-please Eddie. Please don’t take him away from me again” Buck says in a voice of devastation and it breaks Eddie’s heart. Even more so when he sees the pleading look in Buck’s eyes and it pains him to know that he was one of the main reasons because of it.</p><p>“I-I wouldn’t-“</p><p>“You already did…you took him away from me” Buck says hugging Christopher tighter and burying his face in his mop of hair, squeezing his eyes shut as he takes in Christopher’s familiar scent of home.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry…” Eddie struggles to get out but before he can go any further, he sees Buck’s features change and he tries not to flinch when Buck’s eyes have a coldness to them that he has never seen.</p><p>“I don’t want nor need your apology. All I need right now is him…” Buck says as he lies back down when Christopher starts to stir at the commotion. Buck runs his thumb through his hair and whispers sweet things to calm him. It seems to work and Buck follows Chris into sleep. And he leaves Eddie behind.</p><p>
  <em>Now he doesn’t seem to care, he’s content for the first time in three months. </em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“I thought I told you not to come in here,” says a voice from behind Eddie and it has him freeze. He slowly turns around and he is face to face with an angry Maddie Buckley.</p><p>“I-I know but I had to see him and-“</p><p>“Why now? I know for a fact you’ve kept ignoring him since the lawsuit and you’ve been denying his request to see your son…so why now? If he hadn’t gotten…hurt then would you even be talking to him?” Maddie asks as she grabs him by the arm and practically yanks him out of the room. Eddie can easily get out of the grip, but he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt Maddie and have Buck hate him even more. Not that he doesn’t deserve it…</p><p>“Would you have let him see your son? The one person he loves more than he loves himself? He may be your son Eddie…but that little boy means more to Buck than anything in this whole world. So tell me…would you be talking to him if you never found out what happened?” Maddie demands as she crosses her arms over her chest and cocks her hip out to the side. She waits for an answer that Eddie is having a hard time coming up with, and it isn’t good enough for her as she scoffs. “That’s what I thought...”</p><p>“Maddie wait. I-I honestly don’t know. I-I’ve been trying to talk to him-“</p><p>“No, you haven’t. I don’t want to hear your excuses, I want answers!” Maddie says in a loud voice, but not loud enough to wake the occupants upstairs. Once again, Eddie struggles to come up with an answer, so he answers honestly.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know…” Eddie says devastated and Maddie nods.</p><p>“Get out,” Maddie says after steadying herself.</p><p>“What?” Eddie widens his eyes as he looks up from where he was staring at the floor.</p><p>“I said get out. My brother doesn’t need you here when he wakes up. I don’t want you here in my house, not while he recovers, I have no say when he’s at work, but while he’s staying here, I don’t want you near here.”</p><p>“B-but Maddie-“</p><p>“There are no <em>buts </em>here Eddie. Not even it comes to this. Not even it comes to Evan” Maddie says in a voice of finality, angry tears are beginning to form in her eyes but she blinks them away, she will not break down in front of the man that caused her brother so much pain.</p><p>“Just let me apologize…” Eddie says as tears begin to well up in his eyes. He knows that he has no right to ask this of Maddie, but he can’t let Buck think that this whole thing was his fault. He didn’t want Buck to suffer through that. And he wanted to let Buck know that he will be there for him no matter what. Eddie knows that he fucked up big time in denying Buck his son, and even more so when he treated Buck like nothing. So here he is now, trying to make amends, but Maddie isn’t falling for it.</p><p>“No…you had a long time to talk to him, but you didn’t. Christopher is going to spend time with Buck today to make up for all those missed days. Days you made him miss…Carla will come to pick him up later and drop him off at your house.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“You made your bed Eddie, now go lie in it” At some point, Maddie pushes Eddie out of the front door and slams it in his face. Eddie wants to pound and kick the door down, but he knows that he’ll probably get arrested again, and he doesn’t want that. He wants to scream at Maddie to open the door, he just needs to tell Buck he’s sorry. But Buck doesn’t want to hear him right now. So Eddie sighs as he leaves the front door and goes to his car to go to work. He sees that Christopher’s backpack is still in the car, so he leaves it by the front door, knowing that Maddie will see it on the motion camera.</p><p>He lets the tears fall once he’s alone in his car. It hits him hard, the fact that he failed his son and he failed Buck. As he drives to work, he thinks about how horribly he’s treated Buck over the last few months. He’s not a religious person, but he eyes the rosary his abuela put in his new car. He then closes his eyes at the red stoplight and prays to whoever is listening.</p><p>He prays for Buck’s physical, emotional, and mental recovery, that what Chase did to him won’t change him for the worst. He’s not an idiot, no one goes through that and comes out the same on the other side, but he hopes that this doesn’t morph Buck’s personality and heart of gold into something horrible and ugly. He prays that Chase is found guilty and he’s put away before he can hurt Buck or anyone else again. And he prays, with everything that he is and every part of his soul for one chance to make things right. Even a fraction of a chance would be good enough. Eddie sighs as he makes a sign of the cross to finalize his prayer and continues to drive to work.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>The moment Eddie stepped foot into the loft, he was bombarded with questions about Buck and how he is. Bobby held his hands up to silence the group.</p><p>“Eddie...do you know anything? How is he?” Bobby asks when everyone manages to quiet down.</p><p>“H-he was sleeping when I got to Maddie’s house…but I didn’t actually get to talk to him…”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>
  <strong>{~}{~}</strong>
</p><p>He couldn’t tell his son, who’s almost 10 years old, what Buck had been through...at least not in complete detail. He isn’t sure how he made it home that night. But he remembers picking up his son from his Tia’s house, taking him home and putting him to sleep. He leaves to his room and lies awake in his bed, thinking back to everything that he heard Buck saying and finds himself being sick at this. He wanted to punch Mackey’s face in until nothing was left, he wanted to rush to Buck and cover him in bubble wrap to protect him. But now he’s stuck at what to do now.</p><p>He feels himself drifting off when he heard Christopher yell. He finds himself in his son’s room, holding him and shushing him in a matter of seconds.</p><p>“What happened buddy? Bad dream?” Christopher nods and Eddie pulls him closer.</p><p>“Buck…” Christopher cries out and this has Eddie freezing.</p><p>“What about Buck? Come on Chris talk to me...it’s ok” Eddie softly encourages.</p><p>“I-I had a dream about Buck. I saw him and there was a shadow...it was a bad man. The shadow covered Buck and I couldn’t find him...is Buck hurt?” Eddie pulls back a little and cups Christopher’s face gently.</p><p>“Chris-”</p><p>“Is Buck hurt? Is that why I haven’t seen him?” Eddie’s heart breaks at this. How do you tell your son the reason Buck is hurt is because of him? How does he explain to a ten-year-old that because of his selfish bullshit, Christopher has been deprived of someone who he loves so dearly? Eddie accused Buck of being selfish, but in the end, Eddie didn’t want Buck to see Christopher because he didn’t want Buck to break his heart again. But he ended up breaking Buck in the worst way possible.</p><p>“That was my fault Chris...the truth is there was a bad man that hurt Buck. But he can’t anymore because aunt Athena put him away. And he’s going to need a kid to help him get better. Do you happen to know a ten-year-old kid with cute glasses that happens to be Buck’s favorite that can help him get better?”</p><p>“I can do it!” Chris said as he raised his hand, the dream forgotten and Eddie smiled.</p><p>“Ok, tomorrow is Saturday. You wanna go see him tomorrow?” Eddie smiled wider as Christopher enthusiastically smiled and he lied back down. He seemed to go back to sleep, happy that he’s finally going to see his Buck.</p><p>He spent over an hour watching his son sleep. Buck protected them both and he didn’t even know it. Buck went through absolute hell to protect him and his son...and he doesn’t even know what to say. Thank you? But how does he say thank you when Buck doesn’t even want to talk to him? He feels tears stinging his eyes at the thought that Buck went through this all alone. Christopher hadn’t seen his Buck in over three months...and it was all Eddie’s fault. He wipes his tears and kisses his son on the forehead as he slips off into the hallway. He climbs back into bed and as he plugs his phone to charge, he sees his wallpaper. It was the day Eddie brought Chris to the fire station and everyone welcomed him on the spot. Someone managed to sneak a picture and it captures the little family, smiling.</p><p>Eddie froze at this...family. They were a family, at least Eddie wants to think so. Just before everything went to hell, Eddie hoped that Buck knew that he belonged, and he hopes that he could still call Buck family, but that seems to be dwindling. Eddie always thought that they needed to get to a better place before crossing the line they’ve been walking to this whole time, and now it might be too late.</p><p>And it’s all because Eddie couldn’t let go of his anger</p><p>Eddie is a walking disaster of nervousness. The team had found out about what Buck had gone through, and no matter what they do, he isn’t speaking to them. Eddie knows that he is staying with Maddie while his apartment is getting checked over. He looks down at his son who is walking up the driveway with him. His heart pangs as he remembers the talk he had with his son, but all Christopher can do is be excited about being with his Buck again. Eddie knocked and waited.</p><p>He felt fear when an angry Maddie Buckley opened the door. Her eyes softened at Christopher and pointed out where Buck is.</p><p>“He’s upstairs. Can you make it upstairs on your own?” Maddie asks and smiles when Christopher nods and he slowly makes his way up the stairs holding onto the railing and holding his crutches on his other side. Once they hear the door open, Maddie turns back, dropping her smile and her eyes harden.</p><p>“You have some fucking nerve showing up here! What do you want?” Maddie demands, not letting him go further than the kitchen.</p><p>“Christopher really wanted to see Buck...I hope that’s ok…” Eddie said looking down and fiddling with his hands.</p><p>“Your son never hurt Buck...he’s always welcome here,” Maddie said in a serious tone and it has Eddie nearly flinching.</p><p>“Maddie...I-I never meant to-”</p><p>“But you did” Is all Maddie was able to say before they hear a commotion upstairs. “Don’t bother Buck!” Maddie yells after Eddie as he goes up the stairs. He stops in the doorway when he sees Buck shoot up in bed and hug his son close. He feels tears in his eyes when he sees how relaxed Christopher is. It’s the first time in a long time that he’s seen him so calm and content. Eddie’s heart breaks when he realizes that he kept the two people who own his heart apart, and they both suffered. He feels his breath stop when Buck looks up at him but doesn’t say anything.</p><p>Eddie thought that his heart couldn’t break any more than it already has, but he was wrong. And he was proved wrong when Buck pulled his son away, begging Eddie not to take Chris away from him. He stops at this.</p><p>“I-I wouldn’t-“</p><p>“You already did…you took him away from me” And it hurts to know that it’s the truth but before he can say he’s sorry, Buck cuts him off and falls asleep. And he wants to say he’s sorry to Maddie but she kicks him out and has no choice but to go to work.</p><p>
  <strong>{~}{~}</strong>
</p><p>“Maddie kicked me out before I had more time to talk to Buck. I understand though…”</p><p>“This is all our fault…” Hen says from behind them and they all look to her. "We've treated him terribly. And because of that, he's been taking the blame for everything, every mistake, and even worse, we made him think that we don't care about him anymore...that he doesn't belong in this family." Hen said as she gestures to the people at the table.</p><p>“But Hen-” Bobby says and she nods her head.</p><p>“Bobby...you told us all that Buck had us when I questioned what he had. And you said that he had us...but he didn’t-doesn’t. He hasn’t had us since the firetruck and when he came to the station. He saw that we were replacing him with Bosko. We covered his name with hers...I mean it’s not like we had other empty lockers but...God” Hen breaks off when the tears become too much and she collapses into a chair. “We replaced him...we moved on without him. Yet he's the one who keeps apologizing and begging us to come back. We all made mistakes and we owe it to him to apologize. He thinks that he deserved what we've been doing to him...what <em>he </em>did to him.” Hen sobs as she can only imagine what that isolation and loneliness must feel like. She wipes her tears.</p><p>“What can we even do? He won’t talk to us…” Chim trails off, feeling horrible for how he’s treated his possible future brother-in-law. Maddie is understandably pissed off at him and how he treated her brother. He knows any other man would have felt intimidated and even offended that a woman like Maddie would take her brother’s side. But it’s not like Maddie is choosing one over the other, he knows that Maddie loves him, she just doesn’t like him because of what happened. And he understands, even though it hurts, it’s nothing compared to what Buck has gone through.</p><p>“We need to set aside the differences that brought us to this situation in the first place. We need to get over ourselves and try to earn enough of his trust back to at least work with us. If he asks for a transfer...we’ll take it because, after everything we’ve done to him, he deserves to have good things...and right now we aren’t good for him” Hen trailed off and is about to say something else when the alarm rings.</p><p>
  <em>They have a lot of work to do</em>
</p><p>And when Buck walked into work on that Monday morning, no one was expecting the normally expressive eyes to be hardened and cold. And certainly, no one was expecting Buck to tell them that they can’t call him Buck anymore.</p><p>“I want you guys to call me Buckley...not Buck”</p><p>“If that's what you want, then sure...but why?” Bobby asks and nearly recoils at the look that Buck fixes them.</p><p>“You calling me Buck would indicate we’re friends” is all Buck says before going down the stairs to start his chores.</p><hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry this is late! College midterms are among us! Forgive me if there are mistakes, this has no BETA</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck had thanked Maddie for all she did for him many times before his apartment was cleared for him to go back to. Maddie insisted that he continue to stay with her, but he kindly waved her off, saying that he had imposed on her enough. Maddie drove Buck back to his apartment and he was getting more and more anxious the closer he got to his place.</p><p>When Maddie pulled up in front of the complex, Buck took a deep breath as he tried to steady his nerves.</p><p>“You sure you’re ok? You don’t have to go in just yet.” Maddie said patting his arm in soft encouragement. Buck waves it off.</p><p>“I know but if I don’t do it now, then I’ll never go back inside...I can’t let this fear overtake my life Mads” Maddie nodded in understanding at this and she helps him carry his bag inside.</p><p>He steadies himself as he unlocks his door and steps inside for the first time since this whole ordeal started. He takes a deep breath as flashes of his assault come in and out of his mind. He shakes his head as he tries to remind himself that Chase is gone and he won’t come back. Athena said that with all of the evidence, then the trial would be easier than most cases, and she promised that she would be there every step of the way.</p><p>“You ok?” asks Maddie, bringing him back to the present.</p><p>“Yea...yea I’m good. Thanks for being here.” Buck looks to her and she gives a small smile.</p><p>“Always. I have to go to work now, but please do not hesitate to call me if you need anything ok?” Maddie says as she puts his bag down by the door and she doesn’t hesitate to hug him and he practically melts against it. They are both sitting down on the couch and he tucks his chin near her shoulder as she tightens her hold. They stay like that for a while, he tries to gather her strength through this hug. He thanks whoever is listening for blessing him with such an amazing big sister.</p><p>“I love you my little firefly,” Maddie says in the quiet atmosphere and this elicits a small quiet laugh from Buck.</p><p>“Maddie I’m not five...and I love you too” Buck smiles despite himself and he waves her off as she gets in the elevator. He has the day off, so he sets about giving his apartment a well-deserved cleaning.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>After 4 hours of dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning and organizing, Buck rubs his hands together as he looks at the living room and the kitchen. He then sets about rearranging the furniture. Once he was done, he was satisfied with how different his place was. Even though it had the same furniture, simply rearranging it made Buck feel better about what happened to him. And even though it doesn’t change what happened, it helps him in moving forward with it. Buck looks out the window and can see that it is still raining from this morning. You can barely see anything outside and he hopes that not too many people get hurt. He falters when he thinks about his bedroom.</p><p>Everything in his body is screaming at him to go and take a nap or get some proper sleep, but when he looks at the couch, he knows he’s going to be uncomfortable, so he opts to climb the stairs but stops when he sees his bed. Before everything that happened, he used to find comfort in that bed because when he was in it, he felt like nothing could hurt him. But the image was broken when Chase broke into his place for the first time. He feels his breath pick up when he eyes the bed again. It was still unmade from the last time he was here. He knows he’s about to lose himself but he stops when he hears a knocking at the door.</p><p>When he opens the door, he isn’t surprised to see Athena, but he is surprised to see Michael behind her, holding a big grocery bag.</p><p>“Hi, Buck!” Athena says and Buck smiles as he moves aside to let them in. He’s even more shocked when May and Harry seem to manifest behind them. They smile at them and he is more confused as he sees everyone seems to have a bag of something in their hands.</p><p>“Wow Buck, I am loving the rearrangement,” Michael says as he sets his bag on the kitchen counter. May and Harry go to where the TV is and sets their bags on the table and sorts through it. Buck looks back to Athena who tells Michael something and she turns to Buck.</p><p>“Come with me,” Athena says and she ascends the stairs and starts walking around the room.</p><p>“Wait Athena…what’s going on?” Buck asks in confusion and Athena stops her movements to face him.</p><p>“Well, we’re here to officially welcome you back into your place. When Michael heard I was stopping by, he wanted to come to cook for you. Then the kids heard and they wanted to see their favorite uncle. And I’m here to tell you something, but first,” He feels love coursing through him as Athena brings him in for a hug. He hugs back and lets the positive feelings go through him, it’s something he hasn’t felt in a while.</p><p>“I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now, but we’re here for you. My family loves you, Buck…I love you” Athena says as she wipes the tears off of his face. He sniffs and smiles at this.</p><p>“Thanks, Athena…I love you guys too” Athena smiles but it slides off as her face turns serious.</p><p>“Listen to Buck…the reason I came-the real reason I mean, is because Chase is going to trial next week and they are going to need you to testify…” Athena said hesitantly.</p><p>“I know we’re going to trial, my lawyer and Officer Santana already told me. I’m going to meet with them soon to go over everything in case he pleads not guilty, but Santana says it isn’t likely because of what he said in the interrogation room.” Buck says and Athena is taken aback at how nonchalant Buck is being about the whole thing.</p><p>“Buck there’s something else you should know…earlier today, officers were moving Chase and a handful of other people into a different holding location, but something went wrong and the bus crashed because of the rain. All of the inmates were accounted for…except Chase. No one knows where he is” Athena said the last part hesitantly. She regretted it instantly when she saw the look in Buck’s eyes.</p><p>
  <em>His dark bedroom...not dark enough considering he can still see Chase’s face. The disgust and hate are still visible in his features. The rage and fire in his eyes. He can still feel the cold hands against his skin, his heart beating uncontrollably in his chest. The touches of the man in behind him cold, but they burn when Chase applies pressure...holding him down, preventing his escape... </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hesitantly looks into the eyes of his assaulter...he expected the red and fire he keeps seeing, but he sees black eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chase had hazel eyes </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What was happening? He should feel scared... </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But all he feels is calm and safe…</em>
</p><p>He finds himself blinking and sees Athena in front of him. She’s kneeling on the floor in front of him with both hands on the side of his face.</p><p>“Are you with me now?” Athena asks and Buck thinks he can hear the panic in her voice, but he decides not to point it out.</p><p>“Y-yea...yea I’m good. What happened?”</p><p>“I think you might have disassociated on me and went into a flashback hon. I’m sorry, I should have waited-”</p><p>“No Athena...thank you for telling me...but now I’m scared. What if he comes here? What if he goes after Eddie? What if something bad happens?” Buck is beginning to spiral into a panic but is stopped when Athena gently shushed him gently.</p><p>“Don’t you worry about that baby. Do you remember Officer Santana? They volunteered to keep watch on your apartment at night. If you want them to at least, they don’t mind doing this for you…”</p><p>“You sure they won’t mind?” Buck asks after a moment and it has Athena smiling a little bit.</p><p>“I know they won’t mind. I’ll text them now so they can be here tonight. Now come, Michael says the food is ready” Athena lifts Buck to his feet and takes him by the hand to lead them down the stairs. Michael is by the stove and Buck is hit with the smell of something amazing. Athena points to the table and Buck takes a seat when May and Harry come over from the living room.</p><p>“Buck!” Harry says as he runs into Buck’s arms for a hug. Buck doesn’t hesitate to recuperate it He looks at May and he can see that she wants a hug too, but she’s trying to act cool about it. Buck simply smiles as he extends an arm out and May falls into it. May and Buck bonded closer after she overdosed. He gave her advice on how to deal with the toxic emotions and now they both love <em>The 1975</em>.</p><p>“Come on everyone, food is ready,” Michael says as he grabs some plates from Buck’s cabinet.</p><p>“Oh, Michael let me help” Buck tries to get up but everyone shoots him a look and he stops.</p><p>“I got it, dad!” Harry says as he takes the plates and he goes about setting the table while May sets out silverware.</p><p>“Hope you’re in the mood for dad’s family recipe on chicken marsala!” Harry says as he comes back. Everyone then takes a plate to the table and they sit down.</p><p>“We’ll get it Buck” May and Harry then go about piling on mushrooms and pasta on top of the chicken and serve it to Buck. May being the older than Harry, she can see how Buck is slowly losing weight, she worries about her favorite uncle and piles few extra mushrooms on top. May wonders what is going on...</p><p>Her mom and dad won’t tell her anything and she knows better than to snoop, but all her mom said was that Buck needed them and needed some cheering up. Harry instantly volunteered to come and May naturally did as well. She smiles at Buck as she puts down the plate in front of Buck.</p><p>“You guys...this is too much. You didn’t have to do this” Buck says as he smiles at everyone.</p><p>“Nonsense Buck. You’re family, and we look out for each other” Michael says as he pats his shoulder and takes his own seat. Buck smiles and digs into the food, complementing Michael on how amazing it is.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>An hour after dinner, Buck finds himself in his living room, losing a game of Uno as he has 25 cards in his hands.</p><p>“Ok, Buck your turn,” May says as she smirks, only having one card in her hand. He calculates the possible outcome before putting down a +2 card and he laughs at May’s face of disbelief. He hears a knock at the door and he goes to answer it. When he opens the door, he sees Officer Santana on the other side.</p><p>“Oh hello, officer. Come in” Buck steps to the side and lets them in. They smile and take a seat on the floor as May deals them in.</p><p>“I thought you would be outside, watching the building?” Michael asks in a confused voice.</p><p>“Technically I’ll be keeping watch from the outside of the apartment, so I’ll be right outside of the front door since that is the only way in. Investigators still don’t know how…” Santana takes a look at Michael, and the kids and tries to word their next thoughts carefully, so as not to give away too much to scare them.</p><p>“How the…the accused came in here, so I’ll be outside the front door, and you can use this pager if you feel something is wrong” They hand Buck a small pager, which he tucks into his pockets.</p><p>The time went by too fast and Athena can see that Harry was falling asleep during the movie they put on.</p><p>“Hey Buck, sorry to have to do this, but I’m afraid we’re going to need to get going, but please call us if you need anything, and we mean anything, please don’t hesitate to call us,” Athena says giving Buck a tight hug and parts with a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“Love you, baby,” Athena says with a look that Buck wished his own mom gave him. Michael leaves behind her, but not before sending him a smile and a hug too. May and Harry are the last ones to leave. They rush Buck with a hug.</p><p>“We love you, Buck…” Harry says in their small circle, and Buck holds them closer.</p><p>“I love you both too…don’t give your mom, dad nor Bobby too much trouble ok?”</p><p>“Did Bobby hurt your feelings?” Harry asks as he looks up and Buck doesn’t want to lie, but he can’t tell them the truth either.</p><p>“A little, but I’ll get over it eventually…” That isn’t a complete lie, he hopes that he can, but it’s just going to a while because he wants to make sure Chase can’t hurt him anymore before he can even think to let his guard down. He thinks about Eddie and the others, he knows deep down that he can forgive them...at least eventually. It just might take a while and he wants to hold on to the anger for a little bit. Buck thinks he deserves to be a little mad after not complaining about things that have happened to him since the firetruck. Hen and Chim were probably going to be easier to forgive, only because while they did ignore him at the beginning, they understood and at least gave them the time of day.</p><p>Bobby and Eddie though...Buck doesn’t know what to do with them.</p><p>He shakes his head to have the thoughts leave him so he can squeeze the Grant kids one last time before waving them off at the elevator. He turns back to see Santana standing at the door.</p><p>“I think I’m going to try to go to sleep, but…” Buck cuts himself off when the officer nods in understanding.</p><p>“Before you do, here. I brought you something that I think can help” Santana reaches into a bag that Buck did not originally see and they pull out a set of bedsheets.</p><p>“Bedsheets? Thank you?” Buck asks in confusion as he takes it and Santana laughs slightly.</p><p>“I thought that maybe you can change the sheets on your old bed and put new ones. It can help with feeling more comfortable in a bed. That way it doesn’t remind you of what happened…” Buck is in shock when he hadn’t even thought of that.</p><p>“Wow...this is too much. Thank you so much” Buck looks up at the officer and they nod.</p><p>“Of course. I’m going to be outside, I’ll keep the apartment safe.”</p><p>“Wait!” Buck calls after and they turn to look at him. “I’m a complete stranger to you...I’m just another client”</p><p>“You may think of yourself as a client, but I carry all of the people in my cases in everything I do. They are with me when I wake up, sleep, drive, eat when I’m with my husband and kids. They go where I go.” Santana says and Buck’s eyes widen in shock.</p><p>“Then why are you helping me? I’m still just a stranger…Why the sheets?” Buck can see Santana hesitate in their answer but he gets one when they pull up a long sleeve on their arm. Buck is shocked and horrified when he sees old red, purple and uneven flesh on their arm. He can tell it’s old, but it doesn’t make it any less ugly. As they pull the sleeve higher, Buck can see a scar of a deep cut and a burn mark. Buck looks up at Santana when they pull it back down.</p><p>“My ex-partner...I know what it’s like to be hurt by someone you thought you could trust...” Santana tears their gaze away and leaves to stand to watch outside the door.</p><p>"Wait...can I at least get your name? I feel bad calling you Santana all the time..." Buck asks and Santana stops and turns to Buck smiling. </p><p>"My preferred name is Charlie..." Charlie says as they shut the door.</p><p>
  <em>Buck had gained a whole new respect for Charlie that night. </em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>Charlie left when Buck was ready for work and promised to be back when he was home. </em>
</p><p>At work, Buck acted nothing but professional to his group. Even when Bobby would invite him to eat at the table with them, he stayed at the table, but he wouldn’t go out of his way to make conversation like he used to. Even when Hen tried to invite him to play a video game or Chim challenged him to pinball, he politely but coldly declined and went about his chores and other things he had to do around the station.</p><p>He would feel Eddie’s gaze on him whenever he had his back to him and when he turned around, Eddie would quickly look away. Buck knows that Eddie was doing what he could in order to try and get Buck to talk to him, but he couldn’t...at least not right now. And he knows that Eddie is trying his best, but he doesn’t know what to do in this situation.</p><p>Buck wouldn’t know what to do either if the roles were reversed…</p><p>When he starts to think about it, he knows that he would let Eddie know that he would always be there for him and Christopher...and he knows that is what Eddie is doing just that with little things. He sends pictures of Christopher playing when a call that involves kids. After a bad call, he’ll send him playlists of music that he knows Buck likes to listen to. He’ll open his apartment door and find many Tupperware boxes that he knows Eddie’s abuela cooked.</p><p>And while Buck appreciates these small gestures more than he lets on, he still can’t bring himself to talk to Eddie. Even if he wants to push him into an empty corner and demand where the bruises are coming from.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>They all came when they had the time.</p><p>Bobby, Chim, and Eddie came by. They knocked on the door, and Buck only slammed the door in their face every single time. It’s time they felt what he felt every time they rejected him.</p><p>It was different when the others came. He would hear a knock on the door and it was Karen and Denny with some Chinese takeout. Athena with her kids and some home-cooked food. And Maddie, Carla, and Chris would come with ice cream and wine to spend time with him. He always smiled at them and he appreciated them more than he can ever say with words.</p><p>On one of his days off, he hears a knock at his door and when he goes to open it, he comes face to face with Hen. His features still and he finds himself slamming the door in her face, just like he had to the others and it felt good for a second, but then he found himself opening the door again not even a minute later. Hen is still on the other side.</p><p>“Sorry,” Buck says but Hen nods.</p><p>“Don’t be. I understand you’re mad and you have every right to be, but I honestly just wanted to see if you were ok. I know you’re not and you don’t have to tell me anything. And I know you might not be ok, but I just-“</p><p>“Wanted to make sure I was still here?” Buck interrupts Hen’s rambling and she sighs but she nods.</p><p>“Um…yea. It looks like you’re doing fine…I’ll just be on my way” he’ll never admit it, but it startles him a little bit to see Hen so quiet and timid when she’s usually so confident and sure of herself. But that isn’t the woman standing in front of him. The woman standing in front of him is a friend who knows what she did was wrong and hope that there is a chance at redemption. Hen braces herself for the long road to recovery for the both of them, she’s also ready in case Buck tells her to leave and that he doesn’t want her friendship anymore. But he doesn’t do anything of that, instead, she finds herself surprised that when she looks up to see Buck is crying.</p><p>She hesitantly reaches out to him, slowly giving him time to back away but he doesn’t. Hen puts her hand on his shoulders and he shudders at the contact, letting out a small sob and she brings him in for a hug.</p><p>“Oh, Buck…come here,” Hen says as she squeezes Buck to her level and he curls around her. He tries to hold in the sobs but she rubs his back and he breaks. “I’m here…I’m right here Buck…it’s ok. Let it out sweetie” Hen says, gently walking them to the couch and sitting them down. She leans into the back of the couch and brings him with her. Hen finds herself rocking side to side and humming a quiet tune that helps Denny go to sleep and he finds himself relaxing. Even when his mind is screaming at him to not let his guard down, he knows he can trust Hen to help him through this.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>“You will never escape me…I will always be with you”</em>
</p><p>“NO!” Buck startles awake when he hears the unmistakable voice of Chase Mackey. He falls off of the couch and scurries to the other side in hopes of fighting off Chase. He grabs his phone, intending to speed dial Santana but stops when he hears a voice.</p><p>“-CK. Buck, it’s me, Hen. You’re ok, he’s not here” Hen kneels in front of Buck, leaving some space in between them and Buck seems to be blinking the haze out of his eyes. He looks up and sees Hen, he slowly reaches out a hand to her and touches her face to assure himself that she is really here. “Yea I’m here Buck…it’s ok, it was just a bad dream” Hen assures him as she hugs him close. He subconsciously fists some of her shirts as he sobs into her shoulder. She doesn’t say anything as she lets him sobs openly into her shirt. Hen worries if Buck had addressed this at all and she fears that the current reaction means he hasn’t. He sniffs and shakes his head.</p><p>“Sorry…” he says as he tries to straighten out her shirt but she gently waves it off.</p><p>“Buck don’t worry about it. Is this the first time you’ve been having these nightmares?” Hen asks, wanting to help if Buck will allow her.</p><p>“Y-yea…sometimes I get a small flashback in the middle of the night if I’m awake. But this is the first nightmare I’ve had because knowing that he’s still out there terrifies me…and last night I couldn’t sleep because I was so scared that he was going to break in. I know Santana is outside, but what if something bad happens to them? I can’t live with that…” Buck trails off when he hears his phone ring. He looks at the name and answers it.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Oh thank god…listen, Buck, it’s Officer Santana. I-I know I was supposed to come by tonight b-but I can’t b-because…oh god,” Buck can hear the frantic and panicked voice on the other side of the line.</p><p>“Woah woah woah slow down, what happened?” Buck asks in a calming voice, hopes that it can calm Santana enough to speak clearly.</p><p>“M-my husband got into a hit and run. A drunk driver passed the red light and hit my husband's car a-and my daughter was inside a-and-“ Buck felt his heart stop at this.</p><p>“Hey Charlie listen, it’s fine. I’ll be fine, you just need to take care of your family.”</p><p>“A-are you sure?” Buck can hear the hesitation in their voice and he is quick to assure them.</p><p>“I’m positive. Please don’t worry about me, worry about your family. And please keep me updated” With that Charlie hangs up and Buck is left wondering what to do.</p><p>He goes back to the living room and sees Hen is where he left her.</p><p>“Is everything ok Buck?” Hen asks as she stands up from the couch.</p><p>“O-officer Santana can’t make it tonight because their husband and kid were in a horrible accident b-but that means he might come in tonight and I won’t be ready and-“ Hen cuts Buck off gently.</p><p>“Buck listen, everything is going to be ok. If you want, you can come back to my house and use the guest room.” Hen offers and Buck shakes his head.</p><p>“No H-Hen I can’t. I don’t want to impose-“</p><p>“Buck we would be killing two birds with one stone. Karen and I would make sure you get food in you and you would be safe in the house. Chase doesn’t know where everyone lives right?” Hen asks without judgment and Buck nods his head no.</p><p>“Then there won’t be a problem Buck. I promise. Let Karen and I be people you can feel safe with…” Hen says hesitantly, knowing full well the no matter how much she wants to shove Buck in her car and take him home, she’s giving him 100% control of his choices. But she is internally surprised when Buck nods.</p><p>“O-ok. Only if you’re sure”</p><p>“Buck we would love to have you.” Buck nods and he leaves to go pack a bag.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“You know this doesn’t magically fix things right Hen?” Buck asks once they are halfway to her house. She grips the steering wheel a little bit tighter and she nods.</p><p>“I know it doesn’t...but I’m glad that you decided to come home with me.” Buck nods.</p><p>“I heard that you stood up for me at the station. After you found out what happened...one of the other members told me how you stood up for me. Even when my leg was crushed, you knew what little I had...so thanks for that” Buck says and Hen tries to shake her tears away. She places her hand on the center console palm side up and Buck takes it after a moment. She squeezes his hand.</p><p>“It’s literally the least I could have done. But Buck...I promise I will try my absolute hardest to be someone you can lean on...I love you Buck” Hen says, hoping that Buck can hear how sincere she is being. Hen feels some weight come off of her shoulders when Buck squeezes her hand back.</p><p>“Love you too…”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>After Karen practically stuffs Buck with her pork tenderloin and rice, he finds himself in the guest bedroom. He deeply sighs as he tries to relax after another nightmare. He knows he’s safe here, but he just can’t let his guard down in the middle of the night like he used to. Before he knows it, he finds himself watching Denny sleep. He hears a shuffling behind him and he sees Hen looking at him from the end of the hallway. He follows her back to his room and she’s waiting for him on his bed.</p><p>“I-um...I had another dream. H-he got Denny. God Hen I can’t be here...he’ll get Denny!” Buck says as he tries to get up but Hen gently grabs his arm.</p><p>“Buck listen to me, Denny and you are safe here. Chase doesn’t know where we are, and he doesn’t know that you’re here. You’re safe here, I can promise you that.” Hen says, gently cradling his face and wiping his tears away. He hesitantly nods and he lays back down on the bed.</p><p>“It’s ok Buck...you’re safe here. Even if you don’t believe it, you have to know that Karen and I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you anymore.” Hen says gently as she runs her fingers through his hair to relax. Buck finds himself relaxing into the mattress. He must have dozed off because when he opens his eyes, Hen isn’t there anymore. But he is startled when he hears a soft knock on the door.</p><p>“B-buck?</p><p>“Denny? What’s wrong?” Buck sits up and turns on the bedside lamp. Denny is standing at the door with tears in his eyes. Buck reaches forward and Denny runs into his arms.</p><p>“Oh kiddo what’s the matter?” Buck asks as he pulls him close to him on the bed.</p><p>“I-I had a bad dream...and I usually go to my moms, but they looked really tired and I didn’t want to bother them...I-I’m sorry for bothering you…” Denny says as he tries to slip off the bed but Buck stops him.</p><p>“Den look at me. It’s ok. I’m glad you came to me. I get bad dreams too” Buck says gently pushing the curls out of Denny’s face.</p><p>“C-can I stay here with you?” Denny asks hesitantly and Buck nods.</p><p>“Of course you can kiddo. I’ll keep you safe from the bad dreams” Buck says as he tucks Denny into the bed, turning the lamp off.</p><p>“I missed you Uncle Buck…” this squeezed Buck’s heart. He knows that Chris isn’t the only kid that missed him.</p><p>“Missed you too buddy. I won’t leave again…” Buck pulls Denny closer and he ends up falling asleep to Buck’s heartbeat.</p><p>The morning finds Hen and Karen looking at the two boys in the bed in fondness. Hen snaps a quiet picture as Karen closes the door, letting both boys rest for a little while longer.</p><hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! (Now accepting prompts for 9-1-1 Lone Star)</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Special thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666">missmeagan666</a> for being the BETA for this chapter! I made sure that being BETA would not be a trigger, they insisted, so thank you nonetheless!</p><hr/><p>Buck had spent the weekend at Hen’s house. During this, Buck had seen that he had began to gain a little weight, but that was a good thing because he secretly thought that if he lost any more weight, he would have passed as a twink, not that there’s anything wrong with them. But each meal, the Wilson family would make sure that he ate every piece of food that they piled on his plate. From Karen lasagna to Hen’s grilled vegetables, he felt like he was eating a Thanksgiving feast.</p><p>The weekend came and went and before Buck knew it, it was Sunday night and he had a shift tomorrow. Buck found himself nervous, scared even, to go home without someone.</p><p>
  <em>Buck tossed and turned for a while until falling into a fitful sleep. </em>
</p><p>His shift started in about 4 hours and so did Hen’s, but he couldn’t make himself move out from the bed. He looked up when there was a knock at the door, it was Hen.</p><p>“Hey Buckaroo, how are we doing this morning?” Hen asked gently, bringing him a peppermint latte from the coffee shop down the street that he loves. He smiles at Hen in gratefulness and inhales the scent of peppermint in order to steady his nerves.</p><p>“Hey Hen...thanks for the latte. I-I’m gonna head home so I can get ready for work. I’ll see you at the station.” Buck says as he sips on his drink. He’s about to leave but is stopped when Denny barrels into him. Buck sets his drink aside and picks Denny up, playfully groaning.</p><p>“Oof, buddy you’re getting heavy!” Denny laughs and looks at Karen.</p><p>“See mom? Veggies made me heavy!” and it makes Buck laugh.</p><p>“Are you sure it wasn’t your mom’s pie? You know you had two slices.” Buck mockingly stares at Denny and he blushes. “Denny if you eat your greens, then you can maybe get as tall as me!” Denny cheers and Buck puts him down. “Where are you off to today?”</p><p>“My class is taking a field trip to the Griffith Observatory!” Denny bounces up and down at this and it makes Buck smile despite the situation he will eventually have to face.</p><p>“Well you better get going cause you don’t want to be late,” Buck says after giving Denny one last hug. He runs out the door after grabbing his backpack and runs to the car. “Karen, thank you so much for this weekend. You didn’t have to do any of this but I appreciate it.”</p><p>“Hey you helped us out too. Denny wouldn’t eat his veggies without you, so you helped us out too hun.” Karen says bringing Buck in for a hug. “You always have a home here with us, ok?” Buck squeezes Hen a little tighter and lets go as she waves. Buck closes the door and leans against the door, trying to compose himself. He looks to Hen and nods as he opens the door, but before he can take that step outside, he stops and slams the door shut. He leans his forehead against the door and pants. He tries to catch his breath but nothing seems to be working.</p><p>“-the...breathe Buck. Take a deep breath like we practiced…” Hen softly says and Buck matches her breathing. After a moment, he takes a final deep breath then turns to face Hen.</p><p>“You back with me?” Hen softly asks and he nods. “Do you need a minute?” he nods again and she makes her way to the kitchen. Buck lets out a breath and tries to compose himself. He wants to believe that he is safe, he knows that as long as Chase is out there, then he and the others won't be safe. So while he logically knows that he needs to reach out to Hen, maybe Maddie, something stops him.</p><p>
  <em>The nagging voice that tells him to suck it up and save himself the embarrassment.</em>
</p><p>Buck finds himself getting mad at this. He wants to reach out, but he stops in self-preservation, at least what’s left of it. He takes a breath as he forces himself to put one foot in front of the other. He finds Hen in the kitchen, warming up some scones and the his cooled latte. He hesitantly takes a seat at the kitchen table and is grateful when Hen doesn’t ask questions right away. She smiles and slides a plate of blueberry scones and his latte, gently coaxing him to eat. He sighs and sets himself up to eat.</p><p>Hen drinks her coffee and is in the middle of reading the newspaper when Buck quietly clears his throat. Hen has been his teammate long enough to know that it’s one of Buck’s idiosyncrasies. It means he’s about to say something that he normally won’t say, so she puts the newspaper down and gives him her full attention.</p><p>“Um…ok…t-this isn’t easy for me to say, but um-“ Buck quiets down at the end of the last part and sighs. “Before I say this…I-I know you aren’t that type of person, but please don’t belittle this.” Hen’s heart breaks at this, but she understands. He’s been hurt by Eddie and now it manifests in all of his choices. Hen knows it’s wrong, but she sees the way that Eddie is suffering because of the part he played. And a really sick part of her is glad that he is finally getting his comeuppance. But she hopes that Eddie will swallow his pride and talk to Buck before something bad happens.</p><p>“I won’t Buck…I promise,” she extends her hand across the table and leaves it there, ready for Buck to take when he’s ready. He nods and looks around to gather some strength.</p><p>“I’m scared to go home,” Buck says after a moment and he waits for the laughing or the mocking, but it doesn't come, he looks at Hen and doesn’t see judgement nor sympathy. Understanding? Maybe…he reaches forward to take her hand to maybe gather some of her courage. “I-I’m scared to go home because I’m scared that Chase might be there. I’m terrified that it’s going to happen again…I know I have to go back to my place to shower and change, but I’m scared. And I know that I shouldn’t even be asking for help because that makes me weak and-“</p><p>“I’m going to stop you right there hun. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger because you are acknowledging that you need help, and that takes a lot of bravery. Something you’ve always had, Buck.”</p><p>“…I just feel that I shouldn’t ask for help, I’m an adult and I should be able to handle this by myself.”</p><p>“Buck…what that bastard did to you, a normal person wouldn’t come out unscathed. I see this all the time with women, that they are afraid to ask for help because they are afraid that no one will believe them. It must be even harder for men to come clean, but I want you to know that I believe you. Whatever you say happened, then it happened. I believe you Buck, and I am here for you.” Hen squeezes his hand and he looks close to tears. “With that being said, even adults need help. Remember Bobby? He’s older than both of us and even he asked for help. So if he can admit it, then so can you.”</p><p>“…I don’t know how…” Buck sobs out.</p><p>“The first step is admitting you need help.” Buck sniffs and nods.</p><p>“…I need help…” Buck says and breaks. Hen stands up and sits next to him, not pulling him in without his consent but before she can ask, he leans into her shoulder. He sobs against it for a while, gathering his thoughts.</p><p>“I need help Hen, but I’m not sure I’m ready to get it. I want Chase to be gone before I can even think about getting help.”</p><p>“I see. Have the police found anything?”</p><p>“They searched everything, but there’s not a trace. He hasn’t used his personal nor his firm’s back account. Now I don’t know what to do…” Buck says looking at the ground.</p><p>“How about this, I call Athena, we take you home and while you get ready, we stay downstairs to make sure no one comes in, sound good?” Buck hates to think that he’s going to be wasting Athena’s time, but he tries to remember what Hen said.</p><p>
  <em>It’s ok to ask for help </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I am not weak in asking for help</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m allowed to get help</em>
</p><p>After a long deliberation, Buck speaks; “As long as Athena is free, then yes.” He doesn’t want to think about another option. Hen nods at this in understanding.</p><p>“Ok I’m going to call her, finish your breakfast Buck,” Hen goes into the other room to call Athena and Buck is grateful that he has someone strong like Hen in his corner. He didn’t think he could be strong any longer.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Athena, with her gun in her holster, tells Buck and Hen to wait outside while she checks inside. She pulls out her gun and clicks the safety off and goes in. After a moment she comes back and tells Buck they’re in the clear. Buck relaxes at this and hesitantly enters the apartment.</p><p>“We’ll be down here baby, you go do what you need to do,” Athena encourages softly as he goes upstairs to get himself a well needed shower. While Buck is upstairs getting ready, Athena and Hen go about cleaning up Buck’s kitchen. Hen washes the dishes while Athena wipes and cleans the counter tops. By the time Buck comes down the stairs, dressed in his uniform and freshly shaved, the kitchen is completely spotless.</p><p>“Oh my…you didn’t have to do that,” Buck says looking around the kitchen.</p><p>“We know, but we wanted to hun,” Athena says as she puts the cleaning supplies away.</p><p>“So Buck, do you want me to drive you to work, or are you ok to drive yourself?” Hen asks as she puts on her sweater.</p><p>“I’ll just drive myself, I’m heading somewhere after work anyway.” Athena takes her leave outside, not before giving Buck a hug and patting him on the cheek.</p><p>“See you at the station,” Hen says as she pulls out first and drives away. Buck not too far behind her.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Well this is awkward…</p><p>It was weird to say the least. Everyone gave him confused looks when Hen would call Buck well Buck and not Buckley like he asked. Chim pulled Hen aside to ask what was going on, and Hen explained that she apologized and while things weren’t 100% ok, they were on their way to being good friends again. Hen knew that what they used to have may not exist anymore, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have something new.</p><p>“Just talk to him,” Hen says but Chim scoffs.</p><p>“Easy for you to say, you guys are cool.”</p><p>“It didn’t happen overnight Chim. Baby steps man. Just go talk to him.” Hen says as she goes to take inventory of the ambulance equipment. So that is what Chimney does, at least he tries to before something inside of him is stopping him. It used to be really easy to talk to Buck about anything, but standing just a few feet away from him, Chim had never been more afraid to talk to someone before. Chim must have made some kind of noise, because Buck tenses and turns around and sees Chim. Some of the tension had bled out when he saw that it was Chim, but it was clear that he wasn’t completely relaxed.</p><p>“Hey, Buck-“ Chim cuts himself off when Buck gives him a glare and he remembers that he wants to be called Buckley and not his nickname. “I-I mean Buckley, d-do you need help with some of the things on your list? I already finished mine,” Chim points to where he swept on and by the stairs. Buck thinks for a moment and shrugs.</p><p>“Right now I’m just mopping, I then just need to make sure that the ambulances are clean-“</p><p>“I can do that. If you want me to at least…” Chim says, smiling a little and holding out his hand. Buck nods and hands him the clipboard. Chim nods his head and sets about cleaning the only ambulance in the pit. He sighs when he sees that Buck isn’t paying him attention anymore. He does what he said he would do.</p><p>Halfway through disinfecting the ambulance, Chimney gets the feeling that something is wrong. He peaks from where he is cleaning and sees that Buck is in the locker room. He’s about to resume his work when he sees another firefighter walk in straight behind him. The feeling grows stronger and Chim slips out of the ambulance and into the locker room. He doesn’t see them anymore but he does hear a grunt and some shuffling in the back. Chim rounds the corner and sees something that angers the usually calm man.</p><p>The firefighter that followed Buck into the bathroom is standing over Buck who is backed into a corner. Holding his hands up in defense, Buck tries to make himself small against the wall, but it won’t work. Chim loses it when he sees the other person slap his hand against the wall. He doesn’t hear what he tells Buck, but all he remembers is pulling the guy away from Buck and throwing him into the lockers.</p><p>“You stay the fuck away from him Larkin,” Chim says in a low yet intimidating voice that leaves no room for argument. Larkin looked like he wanted to defy, but he must have seen the anger in Chimney’s eyes and slunk out of the locker room. Chimney takes a breath and turns to look at Buck, who is still holding his hands up in defense from someone who isn’t there anymore.</p><p>“Hey Buck…it’s me, Chim.” He says as he slowly squats down to Buck’s level but not yet invading his space. “You can lower your hands down, he’s gone. I made sure of it.” Buck shakes his head <em>no </em>and keeps his hands up. Chim sighs then gets an idea.</p><p>“Ok Buck listen, I’m going to reach for your hands. It’s just me ok? I’m about to grab them ok?” Chim slowly reaches for Buck’s hands and gently grasps them. “Ok Buck, if you can feel my hands on yours, can you please squeeze them?” Chim waits for a moment but he feels a small pressure. Chim sighs out a small sigh of relief.</p><p>“Good…that's good Buck. I’m going to lower your arms to the ground. When you open your eyes, it’s just going to be me,” Chim does what he says he will and slowly lowers his arms and lets them rest on the ground. Buck slowly opens his eyes, and sure enough, he sees Chim in front of him. Just a few feet in front of him, still not invading his space. Buck tries to level his breathing but it doesn’t work. Chim can sense this and he gently and slowly coaches Buck how to catch his breath, just like Hen did the same morning.</p><p>Chim gently grabs Buck’s biceps and pulls him to sit on the bench. After a moment of collecting his thoughts he looks to Chimney and he can feel the heat of shame and embarrassment creep up onto his face. He hides his face in his hands.</p><p>“Sorry…I’m sorry-“</p><p>“No you don’t need to apologize for that Buck. Larkin had no right to do that to you.”</p><p>“How did you know?” Buck asked, his voice a little hoarse.</p><p>“I got a bad feeling when I saw Larkin follow you in here. I knew he gets off the same time I do, and that’s not for another 2 hours. I’m glad I came in here though,”</p><p>“Me too…” Buck says quietly.</p><p>“Buck…how long has this been going on?” Chim asks hesitantly.</p><p>“Not long…about a week. Somehow…others have found out what happened, and almost everyone has expressed their support for me, but there are a few who don’t believe it.”</p><p>“Buck…” What could Chim even say right now? He knows that it is hard enough for women to be believed when they are raped, but for a man to be believed, he can only imagine.</p><p>“It’s ok man…I deserve-“</p><p>“Don’t you dare finish that sentence Buck. You didn’t deserve to be sexually assaulted, and you certainly don’t deserve to be made fun of because of it,” Chim says, gently squeezing Buck’s biceps, reassuring him.</p><p>“B-but the lawsuit-!” Buck tries to say but Chim shakes his head, stopping Buck’s sentence.</p><p>“We’re way past that dude, at least I am, and I know Hen is too. I can’t speak for the others but you only did what you had to do. And I get it, being stuck at home after the rebar, and the stabbing, I went stir crazy. And I know it’s different for you, so…” Chim sighs and then speaks: “I’m sorry Buck. I’m sorry I didn’t try to understand your side sooner, and though I can’t change the past, I’ll be here for you for your future…if you want me too that is. You don’t need to make a decision right now, but I’m just letting you know.” Buck nods as he looks Chimney in the eyes.</p><p>“Thanks…” Buck says shooting a small shy smile.</p><p>“Buck…I-mean Buckley…you know I have to tell Bobby about Larkin right?”</p><p>“I-I really don’t want you to…” Buck hesitantly says and Chim frowns.</p><p>“But Buckley, what I saw…that was abuse. Larkin cannot and should not be allowed to do that to you. Shit…he shouldn’t even be working right now.”</p><p>“I-I know that but…if you tell Bobby, then he’ll just see it as another reason to not let me back. It’ll prove him right and I…just can’t right now.”</p><p>“How about this, I’ll send in an anonymous complaint. I’ll omit your name and the higher ups won’t know. Deal?” Buck thinks it over for a few minutes but then he nods.</p><p>“Ok…”</p><p>“Good…hate to say this, but we better get back to work before Bobby sees that we left our chores unfinished,” Chim says and he emits a small laugh. He counts it as a victory in his head. He gently helps Buck to his feet and they make their way back to their respected chores.</p><p>“Hey Chim?” He looks over his shoulder at Buck. “…Thanks” he says quietly and Chim nods. He hears Buck laugh and when he looks back, he sees Buck looking at his phone. Chim approaches, silently asking what’s so funny.</p><p>“Check it out. A friend of mine in the AFD said their captain and their station adopted a dog. His name is Buttercup...I want a dog for the station,” Buck whines a little and it emits a laugh out of both of them.</p><p>“I’ll bring it up to Cap,” Chim says as they part ways.</p><p>“How did it go?” asked a voice from behind him after a few minutes of resuming his chores. Chimney turned around and saw Hen leaning against the door.</p><p>“I think it went well...but...ok I’m not going to go into details, but Larkin and Buck cannot be alone in a room together…” Chim can see confusion and concern in Hen’s features. “I told Buck I’ll handle it. Don’t worry Hen, when I’m done, Larkin won’t be working here anymore.” Hen takes a moment but she nods in the end.</p><p>“Well...I never liked Larkin anyway…” Hen says. Chim knows that him saving Buck won’t fix things immediately, but this was a good first step.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Seriously? Fighting now are we?” Buck asks when he sees Eddie take off his crew neck.</p><p>“It’s nothing. Fuck off man,” Eddie says as he tosses his top to the side.</p><p>Christopher had been tucked in and Buck had been waiting for over three hours for Eddie to come home. Carla had called him and said that she had a family emergency to tend to and Buck instantly volunteered to watch Chris until Eddie got back. This didn’t mean that Buck was ready to talk to Eddie yet...he just needed a little more time. But that thought went out the window when he saw Eddie slam the door to his car and limp towards the house. He waits until Eddie is inside the house.</p><p>“This isn’t anything Eddie.”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear it right now Buck,” Eddie hisses out.</p><p>“Damn it Eddie why are you doing this?” Buck asked, wanting to know the reason Eddie is subjecting himself to this.</p><p>“...I don’t know...because I need to. I need to have control in my life again.”</p><p>“That’s what this is all about?! Control? No offense but that’s stupid! Control isn’t something that is guaranteed-”</p><p>“Don’t you think I know that Buck?! I didn’t ask for it to be this way...I never asked to be not good enough!” Buck steps back at this. He didn’t expect that…</p><p>“We’ll put that aside for later, but Eddie have you even thought of Chris? Think about what would happen if you get arrested...again! Chris could get taken away and-”</p><p>“I do think of Chris unlike you did!”</p><p>“Oh so that’s what this is about…” Buck scoffs in disbelief.</p><p>“Drop it Buck,” Eddie spits out.</p><p>“Why are you doing this Eddie? I thought you forgave me already?” Buck asks and he can swear he can see Eddie slump a little.</p><p>“I do Buck but...urgh, you don’t understand.”</p><p>“Then help me understand! You seem to not understand what could happen if you continue-”</p><p>“Oh you’re one to talk Buck.”</p><p>“Eddie this isn’t about me-”</p><p>“Isn’t it always though? You didn’t think about what would happen when you sued us!”</p><p>“...Yea I clearly didn’t…” Buck says looking to the side.</p><p>“I-I didn’t mean it like that-”</p><p>“Then what did you mean Eddie?!”</p><p>“Nothing nevermind,” Eddie practically growls out to Buck, but he doesn’t drop it.</p><p>“No Eddie tell me.”</p><p>“God why are you so stubborn? Just back the fuck up Buck, leave me alone.”</p><p>“Eddie...god I’m just worried about you.”</p><p>“Why now?! You shouldn’t be when it’s your fault I’m fighting! It’s nights like this I wish I never met you!” Eddie practically yells and when Buck takes a step back, Eddie knows it was a step too far. Buck’s eyes widen at this and he slowly nods at this, he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry...I-I’m sorry I don’t know where that came from,” Eddie whispers, hands covering his mouth in shock. He hesitantly reaches out to Buck but stops when he steps back. Buck sighs and slowly makes his way to the door.</p><p>“I-wh-where are you going?” Eddie asks, closing his eyes in horror and self-deprecation. Praying to God that this was a horrible nightmare, that he didn’t just fuck up.</p><p>
  <em>That he didn’t just break the best thing in his life...</em>
</p><p>“I’m leaving this house Eddie. It’s clear I’m not welcome here. Tell Christopher I’m sorry that I left,” Buck says looking to the ground, watching the tears hit the floor.</p><p>“W-wait...Buck wait!” Eddie calls out but Buck is already in his car and is backing up out of the driveway and away from the house.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Where is he?!” Athena, now dressed in uniform practically running into the station.</p><p>“Where’s who?” Bobby asks, startled because he wasn’t expecting his wife at the station today. Eddie hears the voice and instantly tenses. She’s here for him. Buck must have told her what happened and now she’s here to tear into Eddie for hurting her pseudo-son.</p><p>“Where’s Buck? He wasn’t home.”</p><p>“Maybe he went out? It’s his day off…” Chim offers.</p><p>“He knew Charlie and I were stopping by today. He’s not home,” Athena says and Eddie hopes and prays that Buck didn’t leave LA. He’d been beating himself up for what he said to Buck and planned to talk to him today, but he then remembered he’s off on Tuesdays.</p><p>
  <em>Something was wrong... they could sense it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Even before they knocked on the door of the apartment, they knew something was wrong. Call it mother’s instinct or police instinct, it didn’t matter but something wasn’t right. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Athena and Charlie had gotten off of the elevator and when Buck didn’t answer the door, they gave each other the same look. Buck has no reason not to be home. Athena and Charlie knew that they were expected. Athena was going to cook for all of them and Charlie was going to update Buck on the case. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Buck? It’s us, open the door hun,” Athena says as she knocks louder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Can I help you?” asks a voice from behind them and it’s one of Buck’s neighbors. “Oh hello Sergeant.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hi Mr. Arambula. We’re just waiting for Buck to open the door.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh...he’s not here. I don’t think he even came home, he didn’t stop by last night. He always stops by to make sure I didn’t fall or remind me to take my medication,” he says and this alarms Athena and Charlie. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ok, he probably just pulled an extra shift at work. Thanks Mr. Arambula,” Athena says as he closes the door. Athena then pulls out her--well Bobby’s-- spare keys and uses it to open the door. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Buck isn’t home and both officers came to the same conclusion.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Buck is missing.</em>
</p><p>“We shouldn’t jump to conclusions, ‘Thena. Maybe he just needed some space-” Bobby tries to offer but is cut off by a panicking Athena and it throws Bobby off. Athena locks her emotion away until the end of the day, but this is different.</p><p>This is Buck...</p><p>“Don’t you get it?! Buck is gone and Chase is still out there!” Athena practically yells and then it suddenly clicks. Everyone instantly stands up, demanding answers or offering to help. Eddie is about to do the same thing when his phone rings.</p><p>“It’s Buck!” Eddie shouts over the yelling and everyone instantly quiets. Athena orders Eddie to put it on speaker.</p><p>“Buck?” Eddie asks hopefully but it quickly turns to dread and anger.</p><p>“Hello Eddie,” says a voice and it sends Eddie on edge.</p><p>“Chase?!”</p><hr/><p></p><div class="work">
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          <p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p>
          <p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p>
          <p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p>
          <p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p>
          <p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p>
          <p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Special thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666">missmeagan666</a> for being the BETA for this chapter!</p><hr/><p>“Chase?!” chaos instantly erupts from the others that are listening in. Hen and Chim’s eyes widen as Bobby’s hands begin to shake with rage. Athena pulls out her phone, no doubt to call it in.</p><p>“That’s right…” the voice said mockingly and Eddie can feel his anger rise at this voice.</p><p>“What do you want?” Eddie all but demands and he feels the hair on the back of his neck rise when he hears Chase laugh.</p><p>“Oh, I think you know what I want.”</p><p>“Where’s Buck? What did you do to him?!” Eddie instantly asks and feels his blood boil when he hears Chase laugh again. “What the fuck is so funny?!”</p><p>“You, this whole situation. I don’t know, I just can’t take you seriously right now.”</p><p>“Where’s Buck?”</p><p>“Why do you care? You never seemed to care last night when you screamed at him that you wish you never met him,” Chase says casually.</p><p>“How do you know about that?!” Eddie demands as he ignores the looks the others are giving him.</p><p>“I was there Eddie. I was in his car the night you kicked him out of your house. It was so easy to get him, you should have seen him. He just kept crying and crying. It was getting annoying but I put him out of his misery,” Chase said and Eddie dropped the phone as his knees gave out.</p><p><em>Put him out of his misery</em>.</p><p>Is he the reason Buck could be dead? Oh god is he dead? Eddie felt hot tears well up in his eyes at this thought. Buck could be dead already and he’s just sitting here. He should be out there looking for him. The phone is still on speaker, so Eddie hears Chase when he speaks again.</p><p>“Oh don’t worry. He’s not dead…but I don’t know how long he has.” Chase says nonchalantly and Eddie wants to reach through the screen and punch out all of Chase’s teeth.</p><p>“Where is he?!” Eddie screams as he shakes his head free from his tears. Buck doesn’t need his tears, he needs support and Eddie will be one hundred percent ready to give him all of the support he needs, he just needs to find him.</p><p>“You’ll find out…you’ll have to find us first. And you better do it fast, Bucky-boy here is bleeding and not sure how he’ll fare with those thinners of his,” Eddie was about to ask something else when he was met with the dial tone. His hands were shaking and he was tempted to throw the phone onto the ground, but that wouldn’t solve anything. He let out a frustrated growl and sunk onto the chair behind him. He looked up to Athena.</p><p>“What do we do?” Eddie asks, not caring that his tears are falling at a fast rate.</p><p>“I’ll have people from my team try and see where the call came from. It may not be accurate, but it gives us something, at the very least a location.” Athena says but before anyone can do anything else, there is a notification on Eddie’s phone. He grabs it and sees it is from an unknown number.</p><p>
  <em>42.122710 -122.464170</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Come alone</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie isn’t dressed for this weather. He pulls his jacket tighter around him, it helps a little but he is not dressed underneath for it. He prays that Buck isn’t exposed to the elements. Buck left his house in a hurry and according to what Chase told him, which wasn’t a lot, he thinks that Buck is still wearing his sweatshirt and jeans. Eddie can’t imagine the terror that Buck might be feeling right now. Eddie climbs his way up the snowy hill, the wind doing nothing to stop him. He knows Athena is about 30 minutes behind him. She dropped him off in the nearest town and he was left to find out where Chase had Buck.</p><p>He sees a series of log cabins before him, and when he looks around he sees that there is nothing but snowy hills for miles and miles, so he shakes the cold off of his face and makes his way to the cabins. He doesn’t even know which one to go into, but he sees one with a door open. Not knowing if anyone is inside, he knocks on the door to check for guests. No one answers and he stands in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do next. He doesn’t have time to stand around here.</p><p>“Chase! Where are you?!” Eddie screams out into the hills, not caring if he sounds like a lunatic, no one would understand. He needs to find Buck, he doesn’t know what’ll happen if he doesn’t. When nothing replies to him, he calls out again and again until his voice breaks. He falls to his knees in tears. He screams into the ground at the thought of not finding Buck.</p><p>“Buck…Buck where are you?” He cries brokenly into the ground, knowing he has to pick himself up and keep looking.</p><p>
  <em>Where does he go from here?</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Hey wake up…hello there,” the muffled voice says in a fake tone. Buck blinks at the bright light that is shining in his face.</p><p>“Wha-what’s happening?”</p><p>“What’s happening is you are going to lie there and look pretty while I go take care of some business ok?” Says the same voice and as more and more of his senses come back to him, Buck instantly knows the voice belongs to Chase. He knows that this is the time he would jolt awake and the fight or flight response would hit him, but when he tries to move, his bones feel like lead and his head hurts.</p><p>“Ooh I wouldn’t move if I were you, I hit you on the head pretty hard last night, you’ve been asleep the whole ride here.”</p><p>“C-chase…where the hell am I?”</p><p>“Oh nowhere. But don’t you worry about a thing. it’ll be all over soon.” He says again as he opens and shuts the door. Buck looks around and sees that he’s in a…cabin? The last time he saw one of these…was when Maddie was taken? Oh god, he was taken.</p><p>He looks around some more and he sees a small window. He tries to crawl over and he realizes that his hands are tied behind his back somehow. He knows he’s alone now, so he tries his hardest to remember his training in the SEALs. After some pretty serious maneuvering, Buck was able to curl his legs close enough to his body to slip his hands under his butt, into his legs and slip each one out. And while his hands are still tied, they are at least in front of him.</p><p>He drags himself to the window and all he can see is snow. He tries to remember how he got here. He thinks and then he remembers the exchanging of words from Eddie. God…everything between him and Eddie is so messed up. He feels tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of Eddie. God help him as much as he wants to hate him…he loves him. But he thinks that after everything he was put through, that Eddie would be there for him, but then he belittled his trauma…again. Buck remembers all of this and it has him slumping against the wall.</p><p>He wonders that despite all of the red flags that are pointing him to walk away, why he wants to stay. God, he knows that is what happened to Maddie and how she fell in love with Doug…but Eddie is different…at least he would like to think he is. Eddie has never hit him, and they’ve been best friends for a long time before…everything. He likes to think that if the lawsuit…or the tsunami…or even the bombing happened, then maybe after a while, they would have taken the next step together. But then Shannon died and Eddie was stuck in grief. And Buck was there for every second of it, whenever Eddie needed him, he was right there…so why wasn’t Eddie there for him when he needed him? He knows he messed up because of the lawsuit, and he said he was sorry as many times as he could…but then Chase happened.</p><p>Eddie seemed sincere in his apologies. He would always ask how Buck was doing, if he needed anything, he would leave food outside the door when he knew Buck was home. He would send Buck’s favorite cookies in Christopher’s backpack when they hung out. But as much as Buck wanted to let him in and let him hang out with them, Buck gets flashbacks about Eddie yelling at him, so he doesn’t say anything. He gives him a polite curt smile and closes the door when Eddie drops Christopher off. But as more and more time passed, he found himself missing Eddie. And God does he know that he shouldn’t after everything that has happened between them…but he can’t help it.</p><p>
  <em>If I get out of here, Eddie and I are going to talk. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No running away, no judgment, no excuses. </em>
</p><p>Buck vowed to himself right then and there. But that’s when his thoughts wander to Bobby. God, he hasn’t even thought about what he’s going to do about Bobby. He hoped that with time, he could come to forgive Bobby with time, but he’s been so caught up in being scared that Chase is out there that he hasn’t had time to talk to Bobby…or anyone on how he feels. He wasn’t ready to let his guard down before Chase was put away for good…but now he fears that he may not be able to have that chance. He isn’t going to forgive and forget anytime soon…he knows that he may forgive…at least a little bit, but he hopes that Eddie and Bobby know that they are going to have to work their asses off to get Buck to at least trust them enough to work with them.</p><p>He knows he can keep thinking, but he then sees Chase is coming back up the hill. He quickly puts his hands behind his back again and crawls over to where he woke up. Chase comes back into the room and doesn’t say a word. He roughly grabs Buck by his arm and practically drags him to another room. There is only a chair with a window and a phone. It looks like something out of a movie. Buck rolls his eyes and sits in the chair.</p><p>“What do you want from me?” Buck asks but Chase doesn’t answer. He continues to flutter in and out of the room. Buck finds himself leaning back when Chase leans into his space.</p><p>“Man…that head wound doesn’t look too good, does it?” Chase says, wiping his finger across the lump that Buck knows is on his head. He makes a noise of disgust and leans away. “Now now, don’t be that way. I would say I’m sorry for this…but I’m really not.”</p><p>“Sorry for wh-“ Buck gets cut off when Chase punches him straight in the face. It takes the air out of Buck’s lungs and his face pounds in pain, but he doesn’t give Chase the satisfaction of a scream. He glares at Chase then spits the blood out of his mouth onto Chase’s face. Chase looks angry for a second but wipes the blood off of his face.</p><p>“Smile!” Chase says as he takes a picture of Buck’s face and he seems to send it to someone. He rolls his eyes at this and struggles against his cuffs. Chase smiles at his phone after a moment.</p><p>“Say hello!” Chase tells Buck and is confused but it turns to dread when he flips the camera over and he sees Eddie on the camera.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie picks himself up after a moment and shakes his head. He’s not going to help anyone if he keeps crying. He’s going to bottle his emotions and keep them to himself until he can bring Buck back home. Then once he knows Buck is safe, he can allow himself to break down, but not yet.</p><p>Now he knows what Buck must have been feeling when Maddie was taken. He feels lost, scared, worried…and guilty. If he hadn’t lost his temper, then maybe Buck would not have been taken. If he had just sat down and talked about shit, then he knows that none of this would have happened. He vows to himself right then and there that he will sit down and talk. No matter how much his mind and body is telling him to run away, he won’t be a coward.</p><p>Because that is all he’s been for a long time since after the tsunami. He remembers the look of hurt on Buck’s face after he found out about Bosko, and all Eddie wants to do is kick himself when he remembers not speaking up about Bosko putting her name over Buck’s locker…what kind of friend is he? A pretty bad one when he thinks about it. Buck has been there for him since the beginning and the moment Buck needed him, he pulled away and ran.</p><p>It seemed to be a habit of his. Whenever someone needs him, he runs. He ran when he learned about Christopher’s condition when Shannon needed him, he re-enlisted. Then when she left, he forced himself not to run, and it was just him and his son for a long time. But then Buck came into their lives and Eddie’s world brightened. He didn’t know that it was so dull before Buck…and he messed it up. But that seems to be another habit. He began to like Buck a lot more than friends, but then Shannon came and left again.</p><p>And it’s been a downward spiral from there. Losing Shannon was hard…but is he loses Buck, it will break him completely. And now it might be too late. Eddie can’t lose Buck…it can’t be over. There’s still so much he needs to say. Say he’s sorry about everything, even if it might not get him anywhere, he needs Buck to know that he’s sorry. That he left him, that he didn’t believe him, and for loving him the wrong way. He makes another vow to himself, if… and that’s a big ass <em>IF </em>Buck gives him one last chance, then Eddie will give 110% of himself to loving Buck the right way. To treat him the way he should be treated like he deserved.</p><p>His phone vibrating stops his internal thinking. He pulls it out, hoping it was Athena that found him. But it was another unknown number. He opened the text message:</p><p>
  <em>Look under the bed</em>
</p><p>Eddie feels his heart rate pick up at this. He prays to God that he doesn’t find anything bad under there. He tries to slow his breathing as he kneels and looks under the bed. A sigh of relief is let out when there is nothing under there but a laptop. He pulls it out and sets it up on the counter of the room. He finds himself getting angry at the thought that this is all a game to Chase. Buck could be seriously hurt and he’s playing Chase’s game. His phone goes off again and he feels like throwing up at the picture that pops up on his phone.</p><p>Buck is tied up to a chair and his face, his beautiful kissable face, is all bruised up. Blood is coming out of his nose and his eyes are red and glossed over. He wants to reach through the screen and pull Buck close to him while fighting Chase off. He then sees a Skype call coming in on the computer, unsure of what to do next, he hits the accept button and is once again overcome by anger when he sees Chase Mackey.</p><p><em>“Say hello!” </em>and Eddie feels his hair stand on end when he sees Buck come into the frame.</p><p>“Buck!” Eddie screams into the computer, not caring how crazy he might sound to the other guests in the surrounding cabins. “Buck, are you ok? Are you still with me?!” Eddie asked frantically.</p><p>“…ugh…E-Eddie? Is that you?” Buck groans and Eddie fears that it’s because of a concussion.</p><p>“Yeah…yeah, it’s me. I’m going to come to find you! I’m-“ Eddie gets cut off when Chase starts to laugh. Eddie is forced to watch as Chase kicks the chair that Buck is sitting on to the side. Eddie was about to yell at Chase but it dies in his throat as Chase kicks Buck in the ribs.</p><p>“Stop! Why are you doing this?!” Eddie yells and finds himself more and more on edge as Chase laughs.</p><p>“Why does anyone do anything? Complete and utter boredom! Besides, this blonde bitch here fucked me and my firm out of 7 million dollars?! He cost me everything…might as well return the favor.” Eddie is unsure what Chase is about to do, but he stops and looks off-screen. He says nothing but walks away from the scene and slams the door.</p><p>“Buck…Buck you there?!” Eddie asks in worry.</p><p>“Y-yeah I’m here…god Eddie I’m scared…where am I?!” Buck asks in fear and confusion.</p><p>“We’re in Oregon at least I am…I’m trying to find you, Buck, I swear I’m looking…do you think you can tell me where you are?”</p><p>“I…I saw snow…and I was in a cabin…but that’s all I saw.”</p><p>“Buck…Athena and Charlie are coming, we’re going to come find you. We’re gonna get you out of there ok?” Buck nods and rests against the floor, not having the strength to bring his arms to his front again.</p><p>“I’m sorry-“ Buck starts but Eddie cuts him off.</p><p>“No no Buck,” Eddie starts tearing up. “It’s my fault we’re here. Everything’s been my fault. I didn’t believe you about being raped, I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I’ve been a horrible friend, and Buck, if you give me one…just one minute of your time, then I promise we can talk, but right now, we need to get you out of there ok? I promise we’ll talk…you just need to be safe first ok?” Eddie asks, tearing rushing down his face. Wishing that he could hold Buck close to him.</p><p>“There’s an envelope under my bed…” Buck says after a minute and Eddie is confused at this.</p><p>“W-what?” Eddie asks in a whisper.</p><p>“There’s a key to a safety deposit box…there’s money in there Eddie...it can take care of you and Chris.”</p><p>“No Buck! That doesn’t matter-“</p><p>“It does matter…” Buck then coughs up blood and it scares Eddie, flashing back to when Buck threw up blood at the party. “I-it’s so I know that Christopher and you will be ok…it’s a gift for Chris when he turns 18…you have to give it to him for me, ok?”</p><p>“No, you can give it to him yourself!” Eddie denies because there is no way that he is leaving this state without Buck alive. “We have to…get home to our son,” Eddie says, pausing only to sob quietly.</p><p>“Our son…I like the sound of that,” Buck then sags against the floor.</p><p>“Buck?…Buck?! Don’t give up you hear me?!” Eddie slams his hands on the desk and he runs out of the cabin. He doesn’t know where he is supposed to go, so he simply runs in a direction and prays that he is going the right way. But when he is about to scream out for someone, he hears it.</p><p>
  <em>A gunshot</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck blinks and wakes again. He groans as the sensations of cold come to him first. He feels…snow? As more and more of his body comes back to him, he knows that he’s in the snow. But he was in the cabin earlier? How much time has passed?</p><p>He blinks and looks around, Buck doesn’t see anything for miles. He then remembers that Chase has him, and he looks around but he doesn’t see him either. He feels exhaustion pulling at him in every direction, but he knows he has to get up. He struggles to pick himself up from where he is on the ground. He knows that his ribs are cracked, making it hard for him to breathe. He moves his arms and he sees that they are no longer tied. He shakily lifts himself off of the ground, his unprotected hands digging into the snow. The snow stinging the cuts on his hands, he looks at them in confusion, not knowing how he got them.</p><p>
  <em>A punch to the face of Chase when he is on top of him</em>
</p><p>Buck holds his head in pain at remembering this and he feels liquid on his hand. He pulls away to reveal blood seeping out of a wound. As he bends over to pick himself up, he falls over in pain as his ribs ache again. His bad leg screaming for mercy. He remembers Chase bringing his gun down and hitting his knee on his bad leg, him trying not to scream at him to not give Chase the satisfaction.</p><p>
  <em>He knows what Chase was going to do next, but he stopped when he heard pounding on the door. He isn’t sure what happened but then the next thing he knew, he was being dragged out into the snow. He was teetering on the top of a steep hill.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, it’s been fun. But this is where it ends,” Buck had no time to ask what he meant when Chase punched him in the stomach and kicked him down the hill. </em>
</p><p>Buck then clutches the side of his stomach in pain, he sees that there is a small puncture mark, he knows he landed on the rocky part at the foot of the hill. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but he begins to slowly climb up the hill. It takes him a few tries, knowing that his regular gym-shoes are not right for the snow. Plus, with the potential internal bleeding he received from the number of kicks he got to his middle, he knows this isn’t going to be easy, but somehow he makes it. But the moment he climbs the last step of the hill, he collapses. He groans in pain as he feels it taking over every inch of his body.</p><p>He struggles to breathe and he wheezes out as he turns himself on his back and stares at the endless sky. It’s sunny…but there’s a cloud coming to block the sun…but it’s a small one, so it won’t be so bad. He knows he should get up and keep moving, but he’s been fighting to come back to a lot of things, his sister, his family at work…Eddie and Christopher. He closes his eyes as he thinks of Christopher and Eddie…</p><p>
  <em>At least I protected them</em>
</p><p>He feels himself drift off when he hears a gunshot go off in the distance.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“You! Stop right there! Put your hands up.”</p><p>“Why if it isn’t our old friend Charlie.”</p><p>“Chase Mackey…where is Buck?” Charlie asks, raising her gun in the air. “Drop your weapon.” They raise their gun higher when Chase complies. “Now where is Buck?”</p><p>“Oh, somewhere…but I don’t know how long he’ll last out here without proper gear. So you better find him,” Chase smirks.</p><p>“Turn around and keep your hands up!” Charlie commands.</p><p>“Before I do, how is your dear old husband and daughter? It must be tough now that your husband is in a wheelchair for a while and your poor daughter…must be afraid of riding in cars now. And your poor son must be confused as to why daddy is hurt,” Chase says in a mocking voice.</p><p>“How do you know about that?” Charlie asks in a whisper and it causes Chase to laugh. “How do you know about them?!” Charlie demands, pointing the gun at Chase’s head.</p><p>“You were supposed to be in the car…” Chase says as he makes eye contact with Charlie and this has them taking a few steps back.</p><p>“You…it was you! You crashed into them!” Charlie says in a voice of disbelief and anger.</p><p>“Yea it was me, I wasn’t drunk, but I made it look that way. And I would have gotten away with it if you were in the car!” Chase then reaches for the discarded gun in the snow and Charlie doesn’t hesitate to pull the trigger.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Buck!” Eddie chases after the direction of the gunshot. He sees a patch of red and he follows the trail, fearing the worst. But he stops when he sees a figure standing over another one. He rushes towards the both of them and is surprised when he sees Charlie standing over Chase, who is bleeding out from his knee.</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to kill him, I just wanted to disarm him, but I think I hit an artery,” Charlie says, trying but failing to sound apologetic. “He was reaching for his gun. I put the safety on. I just called for a bus,” And Eddie can see that it is true because the gun is still in Chase’s hand.</p><p>“What did he say? D-did he tell you where Buck is?” Eddie feels the small surge of victory die in his heart at the thought that they still don’t know where Buck is. “I’m going to go find him,” Charlie nodded and pointed to where she saw Chase come from. Eddie races towards that direction, yelling Buck’s name every chance he can.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck’s eyes shoot open when he hears the gunshot going off. God Chase is still out there, he can’t give up now. If Maddie didn’t, then he shouldn’t either.</p><p>
  <em>If Maddie can escape, then so can I. I found her…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But looking for her took time! We don’t have any time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What do I do?!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know…I don’t know!</em>
</p><p>His inner thoughts are screaming at each other, not knowing what to do. But the answer comes to him when he hears a voice. He intends to tune it out but he listens. And it sounds like…his name? Buck halts his movements at getting up and he hears it again. He looks to the side and he sees a figure running past him about 50 feet away from him.</p><p>
  <em>Eddie? </em>
</p><p>“Buck!” He hears the echo of his name being called bouncing off of the forest around him. He knows that voice anywhere…It is from Eddie! Buck reaches out to where Eddie is but he stumbles and falls to his knees. Eddie stops to look around, but he doesn’t see him, so he starts to move away from where he is.</p><p>“Come back…come back…come back!” Buck starts in a quiet tone, willing his voice to be louder. And as he clears his throat, he shouts it louder. But Eddie still doesn’t see him.</p><p>“E-Eddie! I’m right here!” Buck takes a deep breath and screams those words at the top of his lungs and it works. He felt instant relief as Eddie turned around and made eye contact with him. Buck gives a weak smile and starts to stumble towards Eddie who seems to freeze.</p><p>Eddie felt his heart stop as he heard something. He thought he heard the words <em>come back</em>, but he stopped nonetheless. When he doesn’t hear anything again, he continues to search but stops in his tracks when he for sure hears his name being called.</p><p><em>I’m right here! </em>He hears from somewhere behind him. He turns around and feels his breath stop when he sees someone he thought he lost.</p><p>
  <em>Buck…</em>
</p><p>He shakes himself out of his thoughts and he races towards him.</p><p>“Buck!”</p><p>“Eddie…”</p><p>“Buck!” Eddie yells one last time as he sees the last of Buck’s strength leaving him, but he was close enough that he was able to catch him before he fell. “I got you…I got you!” Eddie yells as he drops down and catches him. He pulls him close, never wanting to be apart from him again.</p><p>“Eddie…” Buck wheezes out and Eddie can hear the exhaustion in his voice. Eddie takes this first real breath of relief when he feels Buck sag against him as he wraps one arm around him.</p><p>“I’m here…I’m here…God, I’m here,” Eddie says as he pulls back a little to take off his coat and wrap it around Buck that only has a thin long sleeve shirt.</p><p>“I didn’t give up Eddie…I held on…I held on,” Buck groans and Eddie tangles his hand in Buck’s hair, pulling him close.</p><p>“I know you did,” Eddie says, pressing a kiss to Buck’s forehead. “I’m so proud of you Buck. You can rest now, Charlie and Athena are coming. The ambulance is coming…you did so well.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Come on Buck you know how it is. You gotta stay awake for me ok?” Eddie encourages softly as the paramedics work around him. Temporarily sealing the wounds until they can get back to LA. It works for now and Eddie donates blood as he is O- and it gets Buck a little bit of his color back.</p><p>“Ugh…I know,” Buck manages to say, and Eddie’s heart squeezes in pain, knowing that Buck just wants to rest, but he has to stay awake. Buck reaches out his hand and Eddie instantly takes it.</p><p>“Y-you came for me…” Buck says in a voice of disbelief.</p><p>“Always Buck…always. Not even a question,” Eddie says, tearing up and smiling a little.</p><p>“Where is…he?” Buck asks and Eddie can see the fear come into his eyes.</p><p>“He can’t hurt you anymore Buck,” Eddie says confidently and Buck must have seen it in his eyes.</p><p>“…He’s gone?” Asks Buck, lifting his head a little and Eddie nods.</p><p>“Yeah…he’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore,” Eddie says again and Buck nods as he drifts off. Eddie shakes him awake again.</p><p>“No no none of that Buck. You need to stay awake for me, please? Christopher is going to be so happy you’re ok. He was worried.”</p><p>“Chris?” Buck lights up at this name. “You called him our son,” his whispers but Eddie hears it all the same.</p><p>“I did. And it’s true.”</p><p>“Didn’t know you felt that way…”</p><p>“I do Buck…and I know I’ve done a bad job at showing you how I feel. And-“ Eddie gets cut off when the driver yells that they’ve arrived at the hospital. “Listen, Buck, they are going to take you in now ok? I’ll be there when you wake up. And we’ll talk when you’re ready ok?” Eddie says in a hurry and is satisfied when Buck nods. “I’ll be there when you wake up ok?” Buck then closes his eyes, but he sees the doctors begin to work on him as he is wheeled inside. Before they manage to get him into an operating room, Eddie places a kiss on Buck’s forehead and whispers to him, hoping Buck can hear it.</p><p>“Come back to me.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie adjusts himself for what seems like the tenth time since Buck was wheeled into a room. The doctors said that all is well now, but he will be on bed rest and need to stay at home. But the worst is over, at least Eddie hopes it is. The doctor said that because of the abuse he suffered, he came out with four cracked ribs and one broken one. His knee is going to be sore but is fine nonetheless. The blows to the head resulted in a concussion that they will monitor. And the minor scrapes and areas where he landed on the rocks were patched up. Eddie’s blood donation helped and the doctors are confident that Buck will make a full recovery.</p><p>
  <em>A physical one at least</em>
</p><p>Eddie knows that Buck is going to need therapy, and he hopes that Buck will allow him to be there for him. But he is mentally preparing himself for the worst. He called and updated everyone the moment Buck was wheeled into the hospital room and he could hear the cries of relief from Maddie, Athena, and Carla. Maddie promised to be there soon, traffic not being on her side today. Athena saying she will visit in time, she and Charlier being questioned about what happened. Eddie knows that he will have to give his statement later, but he’s perfectly fine where he is.</p><p>He leans his head on his hand and rests his elbow where Buck’s pillow is. Simply staring at the man he knows he loves, but he begins to tear up when he remembers all the bad things that he has done to him. Not standing up for him, not fighting harder for him, not believing in him…and just being a bad person, let alone a friend to Buck. He wipes his tears away and he thinks about what he has to say. He knows it isn’t going to be easy, but it needs to be done. He just hopes Buck understands. He doesn’t know how long he goes over everything in his head when Buck starts to stir.</p><p>Buck blinks the sleep away as he becomes more aware of his surroundings. He is about to stretch like he does every morning but stops when his ribs scream in protest. He hunches over in pain but relaxes when he feels familiar hands on his shoulders.</p><p>“Buck hey, relax. You need to relax and lie back ok?” Buck nods and slowly does what he is told. He sighs when the pain subsides. “Want me to push your morphine drip?” Buck nods yes so Eddie pushes it only once, seeing the effect already taking hold.</p><p>“Eddie?” Buck asks in disbelief when he opens his eyes and looks up.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me, Buck,”</p><p>“Y-you’re here?”</p><p>“I told you I would be.”</p><p>“You did?” Buck tries to think and then nods when he remembers the conversation in the ambulance. “I-I thought it was a dream.”</p><p>“It was real.”</p><p>“He is really gone?” Buck asks after a moment and Eddie nods.</p><p>“Yeah…yeah he’s gone, Buck.”</p><p>“H-how? Did he escape again?” Buck asks and Eddie answers before Buck can work himself into a state of fear.</p><p>“No, he didn’t. Charlie shot him,” Eddie says after a moment and he lets Buck process what he said.</p><p>“W-what? Why? I thought they were going to bring him into trial again.”</p><p>“I don’t know the primary reason, but they said it was self-defense because Chase was reaching for the gun that he had discarded on the ground,” Eddie says and Buck nods at this.</p><p>“God I’m exhausted…” Buck whispers and Eddie chuckles a little bit.</p><p>“I’ll bet. You fought hard Buck, you can rest now, but be careful because you have a concussion, and you know the drill for that,” Eddie says and Buck groans. He wants to sleep for the next 24 hours.</p><p>“Go to sleep Buck…it’s ok,” so he does but it doesn’t last long as doctors come and wake him up not even an hour later. Eddie encourages him to go back to sleep.</p><p>“I’ll rest soon…just…I wanna talk to you,” Buck says and Eddie can feel his heart stop at this.</p><p>“B-before we do, can I please say something? I know I said we could, but this can’t wait…” Eddie says and Buck nods, looking up at him. Eddie takes a shaky breath and nods his head.</p><p>“T-the first thing I want to say is that I’m so glad you’re ok. Actually, that’s a lie, while I am glad you’re ok, what I really want to say is…I’m sorry. There are so many things I’m sorry for and I will list them out one by one, but I’ll do it later. This…isn't going to be easy for me to say, but I don’t think I can be near you right now. It’s not anything you did Buck, I swear. I-it’s just that…all of this, what’s been happening, I’ve been a horrible person to you Buck, and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve my bullshit while I’m not in the right headspace. I am not in the right state of mind for us to talk like I know we should. What I’m saying is…I think we need to spend some time apart.” Eddie takes a breath at this, not believing that he said it.</p><p>“Throughout all of this, I’ve discovered parts of myself that I don’t like. I’m not a good person to you. And that’s my fault, that’s the one thing Chase was right about. I didn’t spend time grieving…everything and it blew up in my face. I lost you because of it.”</p><p>“I’m right here Eddie,” Buck says, tears threatening to spill over.</p><p>“I know you are…but I could have lost you for good…I did lose you. Chase took you, and he wouldn’t have if I hadn’t chased after you. I didn’t mean what I said that night, I was in a bad place. I think I’ve been in that bad place for a while now, been doing things I’m not proud of. Ashamed of even…things I will regret for the rest of my life…” Eddie trails off, wiping his tears.</p><p>“A-are you going to tell me about them?” Buck asks after a moment.</p><p>“Yes…I will. But not yet, it’s not that I’m not ready, but I don’t think I’m in the right state of mind for us to have this conversation.” Eddie hesitantly takes Buck’s hands, careful of the IV needle. “Evan Buckley I love you, and I’m not saying that for you to say it back, and you don’t have to believe because God knows I haven’t proved it yet. I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel guilty or obligated to forgive me, I’m just telling you that while I’m gone, I’m here…ok?” Eddie asks, his voice breaking at the last word and tears spill over his eyes, leaving a clear trail.</p><p>“So what you’re saying is you want to get your shit together before we talk for real?” Buck asks and it elicits a small chuckle from Eddie.</p><p>“That about sums it up,” Buck nods at this and looks down at their still intertwined hands.</p><p>“You’re not leaving…leaving right?” Buck asks hesitantly and Eddie shakes his head.</p><p>“No, I’m not, not unless you want me to. I know we need to talk, but I don’t want it to blow up like it did that night. You don’t need me in this state. I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to get help, but I will. I’ll be better. I won’t become…him,” Buck is unsure if Eddie is referring to Chase, or referring to Maddie’s ex, either way, the implication is clear.</p><p>“I think you’re right…we both need to get in the right state of mind before we talk.” Buck says as he nods, looking up at Eddie.</p><p>“But I’m not leaving Buck, I promise you I’m not. The doctors said you’ll be out of here by the end of the week. And it’s only Sunday, give me until the end of the week? I can come to pick you up after they discharge you. If you want…and only if you want, you can stay with Christopher and I so we can make sure you’re ok. And then when you’re ready, we can talk… does that sound ok?” Eddie asks, leaving the choice all up to Buck, who seems to be thinking it over.</p><p>“That sounds fair,” Buck says, giving Eddie a small smile. “Before you go…thank you for coming for me,” Buck says, tearing up again.</p><p>“I will always come for you,” Eddie says, squeezing their hands and gently letting go. “I’m going to take my leave now. Maddie just texted me, she’s parking right now…see you in a week?”</p><p>“See you in a week,” Buck says and Eddie gives a small shy smile and leaves.</p><p>“I love you too,” Buck says to an empty room.</p><hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p><a href="https://www.thehotline.org/help/">National Domestic Violence</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NDVH #: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I know I said 7 chapters...I lied, chapter 8 should be final chapter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Special thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666">missmeagan666</a> for being the BETA for this chapter!</p><hr/><p>Buck waited for about 5 minutes before he heard Maddie’s heels getting louder as she ran up the hallway.</p><p>“Buck?!” Maddie practically slides into the room, grabbing onto the door.</p><p>“Hey Maddie…” Buck says lowly and Maddie stares for a moment before tearing up. Buck smiles sadly as he opens his arms. Maddie doesn’t hesitate to run into the room and throw her arms around Buck. Hugging tight like he did when he found her.</p><p>“Oh my god…you’re here…” Maddie says quietly as she takes his face in her hands. “Are you ok?” Maddie asks then lets out a sad laugh. “Physically I mean…”</p><p>“Just a little bruised up Mads, nothing some R&amp;R can’t fix.” Buck says and Maddie nods tearfully. Buck frowns at this, he’s always hated when people, especially him, makes Maddie cry. He wipes her tears away softly. “Sorry I worried you,” he says in a sad voice.</p><p>“No, Buck this isn’t your fault.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“No buts. Was it my fault when Doug took me?” Buck shakes his head frantically.</p><p>“No of course not,”</p><p>“Then this isn’t your fault either Buck. It never was. It was his fault, for doing what he did to you and taking you? That’s all on him.” Maddie says and Buck nods hesitantly.</p><p>“Did um- did he-?” Maddie begins but Buck knows what she’s asking.</p><p>“No, he only beat me up a little then left me. I don’t know what happened to him…but I hope I don’t see him again.”</p><p>“Me too Buck, me too,” The Buckley siblings sit in silence for a moment, then it’s broken when Buck hears Maddie crying again.</p><p>“Maddie?” Buck asks, wondering what’s got her so upset.</p><p>“Sorry, it’s nothing just…” Maddie cuts herself off after a sob, “I really thought I lost you for real this time,” Maddie says, giving a weak smile and looking at Buck.</p><p>“Don’t worry Maddie, I’m still here. I won’t go down without a fight,” Buck says as he yawns.</p><p>“You fought so hard Buck. You deserve to rest now.” Maddie said and she gently runs her fingers through his hair, like she used to do when they were small. She smiles and thanks the stars that her brother is safe with them again. She looks at his bruises that are visible and knows while they will physically heal, the mental and emotional bruises and wounds will take a lot longer. But she hopes that Buck knows that he has a whole family that will back him up.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck looks up from one of his numerous puzzle books that Hen and Chim brought when he hears a knock. He sees Bobby in the doorway, looking hesitant.</p><p>“Hey Bobby.”</p><p>“Hey Buck, can I come in?” Buck nods and waves him in. Buck pauses his current sudoku puzzle and looks at Bobby as he takes a seat on the chair next to him.</p><p>“What’s up?” Buck asks, not really knowing why he’s here. He hasn’t been able to talk to Bobby at all. There have been awkward looks here and there, but they haven’t had a chance to actually talk. Not like Chim and Hen, Eddie is soon to come, but still.</p><p>“Just wanted to come by and say hi. And…maybe talk?” Buck’s eyes widen at this, but he nods nonetheless.</p><p>“About?” Buck asks…unsure of how to proceed.</p><p>“…A lot of things actually. I'm glad you're ok...and that you're alive and here with us.”</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“But nothing…I’m aware how badly I reacted to the aftermath of everything. I wish I could change the past, to actually talk to you. But I can’t…and I’m sorry,” Bobby says and Buck hears the sincerity in his voice. He wants to believe him…but the doubt still lingers in the back of his mind.</p><p>“Buck say something? Anything…” Bobby says and Buck blinks as he realizes that he spaced out for a moment.</p><p>“You’re right…you can’t change the past. But neither can I. I wished you hadn’t blind sided me…it made me think that I trusted the wrong person. And I did trust you Bobby…with my life in fact but…I guess I was wrong.” Buck says, he feels his face heat up in embarrassment.</p><p>“Buck…I wanted to protect you. I went about it in the worst way.”</p><p>“You called me a liability…”</p><p>“I did…and I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Sorry doesn’t change what you said…and it doesn’t change the fact that Chase raped me,” Buck says bluntly and Bobby tries to suppress a flinch.</p><p>“I know sorry doesn’t change it. It doesn’t change anything but I don’t know what else to do…”</p><p>“What do you want from me Bobby?”</p><p>“…I guess I just want you to talk to me? Even if it’s just to say that you’re still mad. I made a mistake, I did it to protect you, but you still suffered the aftermath of that decision.”</p><p>“You didn’t sue.”</p><p>“No I didn’t but it never would have happened if I just told you the truth.”</p><p>“Which is?”</p><p>“…That I was scared. I was scared that I was going to lose you again. I almost lost you with the bombing, then the embolism, and then the tsunami. When I saw you outside the triage center, every bad scenario went through my mind. I didn’t even know that you were going to be there and when I saw you, I was terrified. When you became a fire marshal, I was so relieved, because then you would take time to get better, but-“</p><p>“Bosko…” Buck says and Bobby nods hesitantly.</p><p>“I made a mistake on that part too. She was supposed to be temporary, I was never going to replace you.”</p><p>“It didn’t feel that way. I walked in the station for the first time since Eddie’s graduation, and I knew some things were going to change, but I never thought I would walk into that. She just fit so perfectly…I thought I was being replaced. I mean she had <em>her name </em>taped over mine. I hadn’t seen anyone since the tsunami. It was about two months before I saw the others, besides Eddie. Then I walk in and see that. What was I supposed to think?” Buck asks, and honestly, Bobby doesn’t have an answer.</p><p>“I should have showed you how important you are to us-“</p><p>“No it’s my fault for letting more insecurities manifest. I got so insecure when I saw her. I thought that you finally see that I’m not worth it. I mean you saw how bad I was-“</p><p>“Buck-“</p><p>“I know I fucked up a lot when I first got in with the 118-“</p><p>“But that’s in the past-”</p><p>“When you fired me, Hen told me that she told you that you should have gotten a dog instead. Even a dog wouldn’t have screwed up as bad as I did.”</p><p>“Buck you need to slow down-“</p><p>“But I thought I was doing a good job showing everyone how much I belonged at the 118. I tried my best to show you how much the job means to me Bobby…but it wasn’t was it?!” Buck cries out, his walls that he had spent the last few months building finally slowing down at this conversation. The heart rate machine, going crazy behind him. A nurse rushes in when they hear the commotion.</p><p>“We were talking and he’s having a panic attack,” Bobby says when the nurse looks at him. They nod and bring in an oxygen mask, they place it over Buck’s mouth. The nurse encourages Buck to breathe slowly by counting to 5 and exhaling slowly. After a few moments, the nurse asks if Buck is ok now, and he nods yes. She removes the mask and takes their leave.</p><p>“Sorry…” Buck says after a moment but Bobby waves him off.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize for that Buck.” Bobby says as Buck nods. Both unsure of how to start the conversation again.</p><p>“But Buck, the 118 was never the same without you. I know you find it hard to believe, and I know my actions haven’t proved it, but it’s true. Before you came along, Hen, Chim, and I were barely friends. We only knew each other during work and nothing else. But it wasn’t until you came, I don’t know how it happened, but you’re the reason we’re a family now.”</p><p>“But you said that the 118 wasn’t a family…I didn’t get it before but I do now. I guess I was just fooling myself.”</p><p>“You weren’t…you still aren’t Buck. We are a family, and that is because of you. I don’t know how you did it Buck, but because of you, I see everyone as a part of a family. I never thought that I could have that again. After Marcy and my mistakes in St. Paul, I never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to get close to anyone. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes, but when Hen and you came to me when I relapsed, you told me it was ok to ask for help. After that, I knew that it was ok to find another family. And because of you, I found Athena, and I learned that it was ok to love again. And you now why? It was all because of you, so thank you.”</p><p>“Bobby…thank you. I think I needed to hear that. And…I want you to know that while I still trust you, it’s not as strong as it used to be. I still trust you to have my back on the field, but as a friend? It might take a while for me to see you as one again. I know you didn’t mean to go behind my back like that…but you did. So I guess with time…maybe we’ll get better. I know it’s asking a lot but-“</p><p>“Buck it’s more than enough. If time is what you need, then so be it.”</p><p>“Thanks Bobby…”</p><p>“I know how you feel about hospital food, so I brought some of my own, in case you were hungry.” Bobby says as he holds up a black bag that he set carefully on the floor earlier. Buck smiles at the thought of some actual food instead of the unflavored generic hospital food.</p><p>“That sounds fantastic actually,” Buck says and Bobby smiles. Pulling out various Tupperwares with different kinds of food and placing them on his hospital bedside table. Buck’s stomach rumbles when Bobby opens the boxes and the smell of the food wafts into the air.</p><p>
  <em>Does time heal all wounds? </em>
</p><p>No, but what Buck is going to do with <em>that time </em>is what is going to heal him.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>He gave me a week…I have a week to get myself together...</em>
</p><p>Eddie looks around and sees that the house is clean and he goes to sit on the couch. He sits there for a few minutes, more thoughts coming in and out of his mind. He grabs his phone and sees that it’s almost evening, and that’s when he hears keys jingling in the door. He looks and sees Carla walking in with Christopher. His mood changed when he saw his son come inside.</p><p>“Hi dad!” Chris says and Eddie smiles as he picks him up and kisses him on the forehead.</p><p>“Hey Chris, how was school today?” Chris then dives in on how good his day was, but then he stopped and Eddie looked at him curiously. “What’s wrong mijo?”</p><p>“I-um, I wanna see Buck…” Chris says hesitantly and Eddie knows that he has yet to explain what happened. Carla steps in.</p><p>“Don’t worry about that baby. Why don’t you go and put your stuff down?” Chris nods and goes to his room.</p><p>“Did you see him?” Eddie asks and Carla nods.</p><p>“Yeah. …I went to visit Buck after I dropped him off at school…why aren’t you there?” Carla asks, fixing Eddie a look and he holds his hands up in surrender.</p><p>“I want to be Carla, but we talked and we both agreed that we need to get into the right state of mind before we sit down and talk. Like really talk about…everything. And I-I trust myself not to lose it around him. And I know if I lose my temper, I’ll lose him for good. And I don’t want that…” Eddie says and Carla wipes the stray tear with a tissue. Eddie blinks as he didn’t even know he was crying.</p><p>“I’m proud of you Eddie. Not everyone can admit they have problems and want to take the steps to fix them. I know you got this, and I know that once you address everything, you and Buck are going to be just fine.”</p><p>“But what if I can’t? What if I’m so screwed up that I can’t fix what’s wrong with me? If I can’t then Buck will leave me and I’ll be alone again. And then Chris will lose his other dad and then Buck will transfer out of the 118 and go somewhere else where I’ll never see him again and-“</p><p>“Eddie!” Carla stops his spiral of negative <em>what ifs </em>by grabbing his shoulders. “Do you love Buck?”</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p><p>“Then you and him will figure it out. You’re going to figure this out,” Carla says encouragingly and Eddie nods at this. He waves goodbye and makes sure that Carla is in his car before he closes the door. Eddie takes a breath and goes to check on his son. He’s doing his homework on his desk.</p><p>“Hey mijo? Can I talk to you for a second?” Eddie asks and Chris nods as he puts down his pencil and turns to face his dad.</p><p>“Where’s Buck?”</p><p>“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about?”</p><p>“Is he gone?” Chris asks with tears welling up in his eyes and Eddie hurries to fix it.</p><p>“No no no Chris, Buck is fine. He’s in the hospital…”</p><p>“Did he get hurt again?”</p><p>“Yeah…but it wasn’t his fault. A bad man hurt him Chris and-“</p><p>“Y-you said that the bad man can’t hurt him because A-thena put him away…yo-you lied,” Chris said looking down at the stuffed toy that Buck gave him after the pier. Eddie feels his heart break at this, he had never been called a liar by his son before.</p><p>“After Athena put him away, he escaped and he got Buck…but Chris he’s ok because I found him and now he’s back home.”</p><p>“He is?”</p><p>“Yeah he is. But he is in the hospital for a little while.”</p><p>“Can we go see him?” And Eddie stops at his because how does he explain to his son their deal?</p><p>“Well you can always ask Carla to drop you off so he can see you. I know he would love you to be there bud,” Chris nods at this.</p><p>“C-can I see him tomorrow?” Chris asks hesitantly and Eddie nods at this.</p><p>“I’ll ask Carla ok? Don’t worry Chris, Buck is just fine and I know with his favorite little Diaz will cheer him right up” Chris lights up at this and nods. He goes back to his homework and Eddie leaves the room to get dinner started. Feeling a little better.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>The next day, Eddie walks into work with his bag over his shoulder.</p><p>“Diaz,” Eddie looks up and sees Bobby looking down at him. “Up here now.”</p><p>“I was going to go change.”</p><p>“No, first we talk,” Bobby says in a no nonsense voice and Eddie ascends the stairs. He looks to the side and sees Lena looking at him from downstairs and he wonders what she could have told him.</p><p>“Um…I don’t know what Bosko told you but-“</p><p>“I know about the fighting Eddie,” Bobby interrupts him and Eddie’s eyes widen at this because he almost forgot about it. He was so busy thinking about how he’s going to find help that he forgot about one of the reasons he needs it.</p><p>“Oh…” Eddie says as he looks down and sits in the chair that’s offered to him.</p><p>“Bosko came in and told me everything…I just want to make sure that we aren’t going have any problems in this house,”</p><p>“It’s nothing, I’m fine. It’s just a place to blow off some steam…things got a little out of-“</p><p>“Control? Cause that’s what this is about right? You’re the guy that always keeps it together no matter what life throws at you. You shake it off and keep moving forward right?” And Eddie hates that Bobby knows exactly what’s going on.</p><p>“Lots of people have it worse,” Eddie breaks eye contact as he thinks of Buck and everything he went through.</p><p>“Eddie I just want to make sure that you don’t have to lose everything before you can allow yourself to feel something,” Bobby says and it has Eddie’s thoughts stop. He feels himself tearing up at thinking about how he almost lost Buck again.</p><p>“No, Christopher needs me to be in control. I’m the only parent he’s got left and I can’t let him down again.”</p><p>“You’re already letting him down by not being there for him.”</p><p>“How do you know that?” Eddie asks as he feels his face getting redder.</p><p>“Buck was here the night before…he was taken. He was working and he got a call from Carla. He told me that he had to leave because he had to watch Chris. Carla had an emergency to take care of, so I let him go.”</p><p>“Oh…I didn’t know that…” Eddie looks down and the things he yelled at Buck were ricocheting in his head when he chased him out. He cringes when he remembers the looks of heartbreak and sadness on Buck’s face when he said he wished he never met him. He just wanted to sleep…he didn’t want to hear Buck chew him out when he was right. But that’s not true, Eddie loves him and he’s always grateful that Buck came into his life. And now he’s going to fight with everything he has to keep him in it.</p><p>“You know you’re allowed to feel things Eddie.”</p><p>“I know but…I can’t…and it’s something I know I have to work on. I almost lost Buck because of it.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Bobby asks and Eddie hesitates before explaining the story of the night he came home and he was fighting.</p><p>“I snapped and I told him that I wish I never met him…” Eddie finally breathes out and Bobby nods slowly, taking in the information. “But I regretted it the second I said it and I wished that I could take it back but I couldn’t and then he left in tears. Th-then he was taken by Chase and it was all my fault and I was so scared that I would never find him and it would be too late and-“ Eddie is sobbing by the time Bobby interrupts him.</p><p>“Eddie calm down…breathe,” Eddie does just that, matching the breathing of Bobby and after a moment, he’s able to breathe again.</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“You never have to be sorry for your emotions. Eddie, I know it must be hard to admit you have problems, but you need to talk to someone about this stuff.”</p><p>“I know…I promised Buck that I would get help.”</p><p>“You talked to him?”</p><p>“We talked for a little bit, I told him that I have to get…my mental health in check before we talk. And I mean really talk. I love him Bobby…and I don’t want to lose him again…I-I can’t bear the thought of him leaving because of me. I want to be able to talk to him and be with him without me snapping at him. I can’t make the same mistakes with him.”</p><p>“I’m proud of you Eddie, admitting you have a problem is the first step, and I’m glad that you’re acknowledging you need help.”</p><p>“That’s another thing…I don’t know where to start.”</p><p>“Well when I heard about the fighting, my immediate thought was to send you to Frank. He’s one of our department therapists, but after hearing about everything else. I think you need outside help. I personally think you should find a therapist that specializes in veteran’s PTSD and anger. I’ll ask the chief for a recommendation, I won’t tell them about the fighting, but you have to go to at least five sessions…deal?”</p><p>“Deal.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Bobby sent him home and Lena came in as a helper to replace him for the day. Not even one hour after leaving the station, he gets a text message from Bobby, giving him details on a therapist the chief recommended and when his appointment is. It’s in two hours and since Chris is at school and going to visit Buck, he’s had the time and he makes his way to where the appointment is.</p><p>He’s surprised to see Maddie walking out of the building as he’s walking in.</p><p>“Hey…I was just going to see Buck,” Maddie says as she’s coming out, and Eddie knows that there are multiple therapists in this building, and the dispatch center isn’t here, so he has a pretty good idea of what she’s doing here, but he doesn’t ask.</p><p>“That’s cool. He knows I’ll see him later,” Eddie says as he steps further away from Maddie.</p><p>“Eddie?” He stops at her speaking up and he looks behind him.</p><p>“Listen…I don’t know what it is you’re going through. But I am glad that Buck has you, and I’m glad you’re getting help.”</p><p>“I love him Maddie…”</p><p>“I know you do. Anyone can see that,” Maddie steps closer to Eddie before giving him a hug. <em>This is different</em>, but he hugs back nonetheless.</p><p>“Thank you for bringing him home. I was supposed to keep him safe…” Maddie says and Eddie can’t help but chuckle at this. Maddie pulls back, confusion on her face.</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh but…you two are a lot alike.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“When you were taken by your ex, he said the exact same thing. That he was supposed to keep you safe. Almost got himself arrested because he was so desperate to find you,” Eddie said but he fears it was the wrong thing when Maddie lets out a sad sob.</p><p>“That’s not how it works…I’m the older sister. I’m supposed to protect him and I couldn’t,” Maddie sniffs and wipes her tears. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say all of that. I think I just needed to vent.”</p><p>“It’s fine Maddie, maybe talk to Chim? I’m sure he can help you a lot better than I can.”</p><p>“I will. See ya Eddie,” Maddie waves as she walks off. Eddie waves back and steadies himself before heading in.</p><p>He knows that he might not like it, but he has to try. For himself, for his son, and for Buck. He owes him that much.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie forces himself to calm down, to take a breath, anything to stop the shaking of his body. He wipes the sweat off of his hands on his pants, taking deep breaths as he forces his heart rate to calm itself. He can hear the blood roaring in his own ears, his legs are shaking as he walks into the designated room, and it doesn’t go out the window when he stops in front of the door. He doesn’t know how long he is in front of the door when someone speaks.</p><p>“Are you just going to stand there and stare or are you going to come in?”</p><p>“Hey Buck,” Eddie says after a minute.</p><p>“Hi Eddie,” Buck says, smiling a little bit.</p><p>“How are you?” Eddie asks, hating how awkward he sounds.</p><p>“Ready to get out of here.” Buck says and Eddie can understand.</p><p>“Have they filled out the discharge papers yet?”</p><p>“Yep, just waiting for the signal,” Buck says and Eddie nods. He hates how awkward this is, but he knows that it was bound to happen.</p><p>“How was your week?” Buck asks as he slowly gets ready.</p><p>“Super weird if I’m being honest.”</p><p>“How weird?”</p><p>“I’ve never been to therapy…not even when I came back from overseas for good.”</p><p>“Really?” Buck asks, taking a seat on the bed. Showing Eddie that he is listening. And while Eddie knows that Buck is always willing to listen, this is the first time that he’s told him about his tours. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of it, but it wasn’t easy to open up about it because it reminds him of what came after. But no matter how many times he told himself it was for the greater good of his family, he knew that it was because he couldn’t face Shannon and Chris.</p><p>“It’s not that I didn’t want to go…it’s just that I didn’t have the time. Shannon just left, and I was left with Christopher. I had to learn how to be a dad, and no one was there to help me. Shannon was already gone, and Chris wasn’t old enough to know who I was. Everything became very overwhelming, and I just never found time to go.”</p><p>“If you had time, would you have gone?” Buck asks and Eddie stops when he thinks about this.</p><p>“No…and it’s something I’ve been working on. Growing up my father taught me to…” Eddie is unable to finish.</p><p>“…To suck it up and move on?” Buck finished for him and Eddie looks up, he can feel his eyes burning, just a bit.</p><p>“Yeah…and I want to say it’s because he’s traditional, but I don’t know. I did that for the longest time and…it just boiled over. And I’m sorry that-“ Buck holds up his hand.</p><p>“Eddie, I know where this is going, but I don’t think we can have that kind of conversation in here. Do you think it can wait until we go home?” Buck asks and Eddie’s heart squeezes when he hears how casually Buck says home. Because if Eddie is being honest, anywhere with Buck feels like home. He’s felt that since even before the lawsuit, and he still feels it. Eddie reaches out to the hand the Buck is holding out and intertwines it with his own. Buck blinks at this.</p><p>“Yeah, it can wait.”</p><p>“You promised we would talk, and we will, but I-“</p><p>“Just wanna get some proper food then go home?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Ok, it can wait. And so can I.” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie gently lowers Buck to the couch in his house, so not to aggravate his healing wounds. He makes sure that Buck has a pillow, a blanket, whatever he needs.</p><p>“You good?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Buck says and Eddie knows it’s a lie, but he doesn’t call him out on it. Eddie nods and leaves to the guest bedroom to put Buck’s duffle on the bed. He empties the clothes out and he puts a load of laundry in the washing machine. Once he runs out of things to do, he steads himself and goes out to where Buck is. He knows the conversations that are going to happen are going to hurt, but he won’t run away from this. He goes out into the living room and sees Buck watching something on Hulu.</p><p>“You feel like having a little something to eat? Abuela made some caldo, if you feel up to it,” Eddie informs Buck, hoping that he can get something into his system before giving him his meds.</p><p>“That sounds nice,” Buck says quietly.</p><p>“Ok, I’ll be right back then,” Eddie goes to the kitchen to fix Buck something to eat. Once the caldo is heated up, he serves it in a big soup mug and intends to bring it to Buck in the living room, but he sees that he’s sitting at the dining room table. He thinks nothing of it as he places the cup in front of Buck and gives him a spoon.</p><p>“Thanks,” Buck simply says before spooning a little bit of broth. He drinks the broth for a while before putting the spoon down. He clears his throat a little and Eddie is giving Buck his full attention.</p><p>“Why are you doing this Eddie?” Buck asks after a moment and this question catches Eddie off guard.</p><p>“Doing what? Giving you soup?”</p><p>“No…this. Bringing me home, looking after me…I thought you hated me,” Buck says and it hurts to hear, but he knows he deserves it. His therapist warned him to expect some unexpected questions.</p><p>“I-I don’t hate you Buck. How can you think-“</p><p>“I don’t know what I’m supposed to think, Eddie. One night I go to your house because Lena told me about your fighting, then the next thing I know, you tell me that you wished you never met me. Then I find myself taken by Chase and now I’m here. It’s been a confusing week.” Buck says and Eddie wants nothing more than to than to reach out and comfort Buck, but he lost that right. And he has to earn it back before he can even think about putting his hands on Buck, or at least wait for Buck to initiate contact. Buck doesn’t say anything for a long time, but Eddie waits.</p><p>“When Chase took me, before I talked to you on the computer, I was so scared that I was never going to see you again. And that confuses me because part of me didn’t want to see you. But now that you’re here…I just wonder…” Buck stops and Eddie leans forward a little.</p><p>“Wonder what?”</p><p>“Why did you come for me?” Buck asks, looking up at Eddie for the first time.</p><p>“Because I love you. I know that doesn’t sound like a legitimate reason, and I told myself that I wouldn’t tell you that until we were better, but it’s the truth. The second I said what I said that night, I regretted it instantly. I was tired and I wanted to go to sleep, but that’s not an excuse. I never should have said what I said, I think if I didn’t then maybe you wouldn’t have been taken.”</p><p>“Eddie-“</p><p>“The next day, Athena came bursting into the station and said that you were gone. I couldn’t get ahold of you and I got so scared that that was the final straw and you were never going to talk to me again. Not that I don’t deserve it. But then Chase called me and told me where you were.”</p><p>“He did?”</p><p>“He told me to come alone. I don’t know what he was planning, and I don’t think that I want to know, but my priority was getting you home.” Eddie says and Buck nods, processing the information. “And now that you’re here…I do want to talk, but I don’t want to force you.” Buck nods again.</p><p>“I miss you…God Eddie I miss you…I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it, I miss you,” Eddie reaches out a hand on the table, offering it to Buck.</p><p>“I’m here Buck,”</p><p>“But you weren’t…not for a long time you weren’t.” Buck says, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “Fuck…I sound so selfish right now,” Buck murmurs and Eddie is quick to stop that train of thought.</p><p>“No Buck, you don’t sound selfish. I know I said a lot of things to you...more bad than good, and I will spend the rest of my time making it up to you if you’ll allow me. But you can get mad at me Buck, you can cry, scream, yell, whatever you need to do. I’m not going anywhere…not this time.”</p><p>“You’re serious about this?” Buck asks, wanting to know exactly where he stands in Eddie’s life before being able to move on.</p><p>“I’ve never been more serious about anything. I promised you that I’m not leaving, and I meant it. Not unless you want me to,” Eddie says and Buck can hear the sincerity in his words. Buck knows that Eddie wants to be with him, but he also knows that even though it will hurt, Eddie is prepared to let him go.</p><p>“Eddie, you’ve been my best friend for a long time. I think it’s safe to say you’re my best friend, hell you’re my only best friend. But lately it seems, well…after the fire truck and everything, you belittled my trauma and I just want to know why. I thought you of all people would understand that you shouldn’t do that. And yes I know lots of people have it worse but that doesn’t mean my trauma is invalid. And I think the reason you do or say that stuff it’s because nobody has a knowledge of yours.” Buck takes a pause at this, catching his breath.</p><p>“I want you to know that I’m here for you…even if you’re not there for me, I’m here for you and I want to be able to help you but I can’t if you’re just gonna just keep doing this to me,” Buck says, getting the thought that’s been bouncing around his head since his first therapy session at the hospital. Buck is about to say something else but he winces and brings a hand to his back.</p><p>“Here,” Eddie gets up and reaches out his hand for Buck to grab, who does it without hesitation. Eddie slowly leads him to the couch and sits him down gently again. After making sure that Buck is ok, he speaks.</p><p>“I understand Buck. And I’m sorry that I belittled your trauma that way. It was a horrible thing for me to do, and I know that my word means shit right now, but I’m working on it. The week that we spent apart, I found a therapist and I’ve gone a total of three times now. I know that’s not nearly enough, but I’m still going to go. You were brought into my life for a reason, and I’m going to fight with everything I have to keep you in it.” Eddie says and Buck hates that he finds himself tearing up at the confession.</p><p>“Eddie…” Buck starts but Eddie isn’t done.</p><p>“I’m not telling you this to guilt-trip you, or force you to stay, or make you feel like you have an obligation to stay here, but I’m just telling you the truth. I know we have so much more to talk about but I don’t even know where to start,” Eddie says looking down.</p><p>“Eddie, I don’t feel obligated to stay here. I want to be here, and knowing you want me here? That means a lot, I know I won’t be the easiest person to deal with. I started going to therapy to address…everything that Chase did to me. So…I’m giving you this out Eddie.”</p><p>“I’m not going to take it Buck. You’re stuck with me”</p><hr/><p>OMG I'm such a liar! I know I said 7 chapters...but chapter 8 should be the final chapter. 9 chapters the maximum. Should be updated soon! Thanks for sticking by me in this! And please stay safe! </p><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Special thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666/works">missmeagan666</a> for being the BETA for this chapter!</p>
<hr/><p>Eddie and Buck work on their relationship as they work on themselves. They both have different therapists for their different problems, but they find it is helping, at least slowly. Eddie’s therapist has him talk about his feelings, and while sometimes it makes Eddie’s skin crawl, he bears through it, knowing that it will help him in the long run.</p><p>“Eddie” says Dr. Sanchez in front of him, he must have spaced out.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I said that it’s clear that you don’t want to be here. Everything in your body language is telling me that you would rather be anywhere but here. So why do you keep coming back?” Eddie swallows and leans forward on his arms.</p><p>“I’ve never gone to therapy. All these sessions with you are the first time I’ve ever been. You have me talk about what I’m feeling and having me address Shannon, and it just makes me so uncomfortable. I was raised to never talk about these things. My dad is super traditional, the kind that say men can’t cry. And it worked for a long time, until it didn’t. I almost lost someone important because of it. And I-I can’t,” Eddie stops when he sees tears blurring his vision. “I can’t lose him again.”</p><p>“Good. This is good. Why is this <em>him</em> important to you?” They ask and Eddie explains all that Buck is.</p><p>“Are you in love with this person named Buck?”</p><p>“Yes. I do love him, but I’m scared.”</p><p>“It’s ok to love him, and It’s ok to be scared to love him.”</p><p>“I’m afraid that I’m so screwed up that he’ll see-“ Eddie stops and Sanchez leans forward.</p><p>“See what?” Eddie shakes his head. “This is good Eddie. See what?”</p><p>“That he’ll see that I’m someone that’s not good enough for him to stay. I mean I wasn’t enough for my ex-wife, why should this be any different,” Eddie says and he then feels something wash over him that leaves him breathless. “What’s happening?”</p><p>“This is a breakthrough Eddie. This is a good thing! You’ve only been coming to me for 3 months and we hit a breakthrough. This is progress.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>Movie nights have resumed. </em>
</p><p>Every Friday night, they order take out or cook and watch movies until Chris passes out. It’s a different routine when it’s at Buck’s apartment. It usually goes like this: Eddie picks up some takeout, and they all eat as they watch the movie that Christopher picks out. Chris sits on the floor, immersed in the bright colors of the movie, his back to his dad and Buck. On the couch, Eddie and Buck sit side to side and communicate silently. Lately, they have been working towards a relationship, and while both their therapists tell them different things, they silently ask each other if what they are doing is comfortable.</p><p>It’s mostly for Buck’s sake, Eddie will take whatever Buck is willing to give him. Eddie doesn’t want to initiate contact, even though he wants to, but he doesn’t want to startle Buck or accidentally trigger a flashback, he doesn’t want that for Buck. So sometimes, when they are sitting on the couch, Eddie will hesitantly look over, and silently ask Buck if he can do something simple, like hold his hand. Buck would then give a shy smile and grab Eddie’s hand. For now, they aren’t taking it further than that. Or sometimes, Buck will sit on the couch and immediately reach for Eddie's hand, holding it tightly. When this happens, Eddie will squeeze his hand, a silent reminder that he’s there.</p><p>The night usually ends with Buck carefully bringing Chris to the car while Eddie silently follows them. Buck turns around and gives Eddie a long hug, to gather strength and reassurance, Eddie loves every second of it. This reminds him that Buck is still here and that he isn’t somewhere he can’t follow. He will always hug back just as softly or as fiercely as Buck is. And the night ends completely by Buck pulling back and giving Christopher a kiss on the head and on the cheek for Eddie, who usually recuperates.</p><p>When it’s Eddie’s turn to host, it’s a little different. Instead of taking Christopher to the car, he has Buck tuck him in for the night, hoping that this somehow makes up for all the times that he forbade Buck from seeing Chris. Eddie offers Buck the guest room, telling him where to find him if he needs anything, and they part ways to say good night if Buck stays the night. When he doesn’t, he still kisses Eddie on the cheek as a farewell until next time.</p><p>
  <em>It’s different one night </em>
</p><p>Eddie feels himself about to drift off into sleep when he hears his bedroom door creak open. He’s up instantly, and he expects to hear Christopher come into the room, wanting his dad after a bad dream, but he doesn’t hear anything. He sits up in bed and turns on the bedside lamp, and is surprised to find Buck standing in the door, looking anxious.</p><p>“Buck? Everything ok?” Eddie asks, and Buck looks like he wants to say something but he lets out a quiet sob. Eddie is instantly in front of him.</p><p>“Buck…can I put my arms around you?” Eddie asks, but Buck is already sobbing into the side of his neck. Eddie instantly brings him closer, a hand in his hair and his arm around his back. He softly rubs his thumb in his hair, and he gently pulls him to the bed and sits him down, not letting go. Buck isn’t calming down, so he gently begins to rock him back and forth, kissing his forehead, hoping to silently tell Buck that he’s here for him. Buck fists his night shirt tighter, and Eddie squeezes him a little tighter. After a moment, Buck pulls back and rubs at his eyes, and sniffs.</p><p>“Eddie…I-i’m so-“ Eddie gently cuts put off by cradling his head.</p><p>“Ssh, no Buck, don’t you dare apologize. You’re ok…” Eddie tucks a strand of stray curly behind Buck’s ear and gives a small smile. Buck nods and breaths deeply for a second.</p><p>“C-can I-nevermind,” Buck gets up and Eddie does too, reaching out to Buck but not grabbing him.</p><p>“Buck wait. What is it? It’s ok, you can tell me” Eddie says softly as Buck turns back to him.</p><p>“C-can I sleep here with you? I-I just don’t want to be alone,” Buck says hesitantly.</p><p>“Of course you can.” Eddie says as he gently guides Buck back to the bed. Eddie makes sure that Buck is settled on the bed before going to the other side to lie down. Eddie doesn’t make any moves to hold Buck, even though that’s all he wants to do. But he feels Buck is still tense, and he doesn’t want to spook him.</p><p>“Do you want to tell me what happened? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen” While Eddie says this, he lays his hand next to Buck’s who grabs it instantly. Eddie gently squeezes his hand, affirming what he just spoke and Buck squeezes back. Eddie can feel Buck’s hand and arm shaking, before he can ask, Buck then curls himself over Eddie. Who doesn’t hesitate to pull him closer gently.</p><p>“Buck-”</p><p>“Just hold me…” Buck says quietly and Eddie is more than happy to do so. Slowly and gently running his hand through Buck’s hair. Making quiet reassuring noises.</p><p>“How long has this been going on?” Eddie asks, but is prepared not to receive an answer.</p><p>“A-a while…about a month since I came home from the hospital…”</p><p>“…Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’m here…”</p><p>“I know, but-“ Buck begins but he sighs and stops. Eddie gently kisses Buck on the forehead in soft encouragement, and he can feel Buck relax a little at this.</p><p>“But what?” Eddie asks and Buck simply buries his face in Eddie’s chest. “Ok, we don’t have to talk right now-“</p><p>“No I want to…my therapist said that being honest about what I’m feeling would help…but it’s just hard.”</p><p>“How?” Eddie asks in plain curiosity and wanting to know more and not in a condescending way.</p><p>“Because I don’t want to tell you…” Buck says with bated breath and when Eddie doesn’t say anything, he looks up at him.</p><p>“I’m listening,” Eddie says, hugging Buck tight to his body before resuming the steady pressure.</p><p>“I sometimes don’t want to tell you about what’s really going on.”</p><p>“Why?” Eddie asking, wanting to know more.</p><p>"...Ok, I know you're working on it, and I know you are trying to be better like I am, but...I don’t tell you about my nightmares because I don't want you to tell me to suck it up…” Buck breathes out and waits for Eddie to respond, but after a while, he hasn’t said anything. Because of Eddie’s lack of response, Buck begins to grow anxious, did he say the wrong thing? He knew he should have waited until morning…But this was his latest breakthrough with his therapist. He was about to say something when he heard a hitch in-breath and then a soft sob. Buck pulls back and sees a few tears pooling in Eddie’s eyes. The streetlights coming in from the windows illuminating the room. Making Eddie’s eyes shine even brighter. Buck untangles himself from Eddie and sits up to look at his partner.</p><p>“Eddie….“ Buck reaches forward to cradle Eddie’s face and wipe the tears away before they can slither down his face. Eddie gently grabs Buck’s wrists to ground himself. He sniffed again, blinking rapidly and sighing.</p><p>“I’m sorry…God I’m so sorry…”</p><p>“Eddie-“</p><p>“I never apologized for that did I? I thought I was finally doing it” Eddie says as he sits up, wiping his eyes with the knuckles of his hands, he does it hard enough that he sees whiteness behind his closed eyes. He feels Buck’s hand gently grab his and bring them down to intertwine them.</p><p>“Easy Ed…doing what?”</p><p>“I thought I was doing better…my therapist said I had a breakthrough and I thought I was doing better but I guess I’m not.”</p><p>“But you’re trying Eddie and-“</p><p>“It’s not enough-“</p><p>“Eddie it’s more than en-“ Buck gets cut off when Eddie sits up straight and turns to Buck. He gently grabs his shoulders and makes eye contact. Buck gasps quietly when he sees the tears falling down Eddie’s cheeks and feels his heartbreak at the quiet sobs.</p><p>“Tell me…what can I do for you not to leave me? I’m trying Buck…I’m really trying to be good enough for you, and I know it’s not enough but please…please don’t leave me!” Eddie practically cries out and Buck tears up at the sudden declarations of insecurities. He grabs Eddie’s face with both hands, hoping that it can stop the tirade, but it only adds sad fuel to the sad fire.</p><p>“I’m sorry Buck…I’m trying to be the person you deserve. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes with you, and I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you and I will do anything to show you how serious I am about how much I love you…but you need to tell me what I can do…” Eddie’s voice breaks off in sobs at the last word. He covers his face with his hands as he feels the heat of shame and embarrassment creeping up from his neck to his face.</p><p>Eddie then feels himself being pushed back against the bed gently as Buck carefully straddles his stomach. He feels his tears being wipes away as Buck gently cradles his face. He grabs Buck’s hand and tightens his hold slightly.</p><p>“What can I do? How can I be good en-“ Eddie gets cut off when Buck leans down to give Eddie a soft kiss on his lips. It silences Eddie instantly and he almost whimpers as Buck pulls back.</p><p>“Shh, it’s ok Ed,” Buck whispers quietly and gives him another gentle kiss. Buck pulls back to lean his forehead against Eddie’s.</p><p>“You’re already good enough for me Eddie. You’re trying, and that’s good enough for me. I know it’s hard for you, just like it’s hard for me, but you’re doing your best. And I couldn’t be more proud of you,” Buck feels his eyes sting at the end of his confession. He leans down to place one more kiss to Eddie and feels his heart beat when Eddie kisses him back. Buck pulls away and then falls asleep after tucking Eddie in between his arms.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>Buck wakes up alone</em>
</p><p>If the absence of one Eddie Diaz isn’t evidence enough, then the cold sheets are. Buck sighs then rubs the sleep out of his eyes and thinks back to the events of last night. Buck feels his heart pang in sadness at the insecurities that Eddie seems to have. Buck’s not dumb, he knows that everyone has insecurities, some people can hide them better. Looks like Eddie is one of those people. He stretches and makes his way to the kitchen when he sees the back door open. He peaks outside and sees Eddie on the porch swing. Buck gently knocks and Eddie turns around to see him.</p><p>“Morning, there’s fresh coffee in the kitchen” Eddie holds up his cup for emphasis and joins Eddie on the swing after fixing his coffee to his specifications. He inhales the aroma deeply before taking a sip. The heat of the coffee arming him up instantly feels perfect when there is a small chill in the air.</p><p>“Did you sleep ok?” Eddie asks and Buck nods yes. “Chris is still asleep, he’s usually up in about an hour.” Buck nods and they sit in comfortable silence.</p><p>“What does he want for breakfast?”</p><p>“I don’t have pancake ingredients, but he’ll settle for French toast if you make it,” Eddie says and Buck chuckles. He can feel the small awkwardness, but it can easily be ignored, but he knows that it won’t. Buck places his now empty mug on the table next to him and stares ahead. After a while, Eddie broke the silence.</p><p>“I wish you hadn’t seen that,” Eddie says quietly and Buck isn’t that surprised.</p><p>“It’s ok” Buck tries to say, but Eddie softly cuts him off.</p><p>“No it’s not. You came to me last night because you had a bad night, and I was supposed to comfort you…but instead, I made it all about me. I’m sorry Buck. You didn’t deserve that” Eddie says looking down.</p><p>“Eddie-“ But said person shakes his head, looking down. Buck sighs and reaches out to grab Eddie’s hand from where it is resting on his lap. It takes Eddie a moment, but he eventually intertwines his hand with Buck’s.</p><p>“If last night didn’t happen…would you have ever told me?” Buck asks and Eddie’s lack of an answer is enough, but he still wants to hear it.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Why not?” Buck asks and Eddie sighs, looking down.</p><p>“Because you’ve been doing so well lately Buck. I know that therapy is a touchy subject for you, and I’m really happy that it’s helping. I know you’ll never forget what happened, but I can see your mental health is improving…and I didn’t want to take that away from you. I didn’t want you to be in a bad place because of me…not again,” Eddie says as he sighs.</p><p>“Eddie…when we agreed to be together, it meant working together, both on and off the field. I want to help you, just like you’re helping me.”</p><p>“How in the hell am I helping you? Last night is a prime example of how I’m not-“</p><p>“You gently coax me out of flashbacks, you make sure to never slam the doors or cabinets too hard. And just last night, I had a bad dream and you didn’t hesitate to hold me. You constantly make sure I’m ok…and while I appreciate it so much more than you’ll know, I want to be there for you. Fuck, Eddie, …we’ve been together for about 5 months…and this is the first you’ve told me you’ve had a break-through” Buck isn’t mad at Eddie for not telling him this, but they are supposed to be in this together.</p><p>“You couldn’t come to me about the nightmares…”</p><p>“Now you know the reason, and I know that you’re there.”</p><p>“…I wanted to be better before telling you this.” Eddie sighs and takes a breath “It was about a month ago…I think I discovered one of the reasons for my behavior towards you during the lawsuit…” Eddie wants to speak, but he hesitates, unsure of how this will unfold.</p><p>“I wasn’t good enough for Shannon to stick around…”</p><p>“Eddie-“ Buck starts but gets cut off when Eddie looks over to him, his eyes glistening in the sun.</p><p>“I uprooted Christopher from the only life he’s ever known when she left the first time. We were doing fine on our own…then she came back and I left her back into his life, even though I knew better. She broke his heart once, what’s to say it wasn’t going to happen again.”</p><p>“That’s what Christopher wanted Eddie.”</p><p>“I know but I didn't want to because I was so scared that she was going to do it again...and she did.”</p><p>“She died Eddie…” Buck says hesitantly and is started when Eddie lets out a wet cruel laugh.</p><p>“Yea…after she told me she wanted a divorce” Eddie says and Buck’s eyes widen at this. He never knew any of this.</p><p>“Eddie…”</p><p>“Yep.” Eddie swallows, all the emotions that have to do with Shannon and her death coming out now. He wants to stop because he hasn’t even asked Buck if he’s ready to hear this. His mental health could take a nose dive if he keeps talking…but he knows that if he stops now, they’ll never talk about it again. He tries to stop but Buck silently encourages him to continue by squeezing his hand.</p><p>“And I'm still mad...how fucked up is that?" Eddie laughs a little but it turns into a sob. "I'm angry at a dead person...and at myself. Because I forgave her for everything...but it wasn't enough for her. She still left us.” Eddie sniffs at looks at Buck again, tears making their way down the tracks on his rosy cheeks. “We weren’t enough for her to stay…<em>I </em>wasn’t enough,” Eddie says sighing, a tear getting caught on his lips, tasting the saltiness.</p><p>The porch swing moves and Buck is in front of him, bending down to gently grip his biceps and pulling him up to stand. Eddie is confused at first but it dies in his stomach when Buck pulls him into his chest. Eddie is quick to grip the back of Buck’s shirt, desperately trying to ground himself. Eddie feels himself crying into Buck’s chest, and he hates it because he’s supposed to be helping Buck get better, not the other way around. But he also can’t help but feel so safe right now.</p><p>Buck lets Eddie gain some control, but not loosening his grip as he buries his face in Eddie’s neck again. He can hear the honking of cars in the distance. The chirping of birds and the general sounds of LA waking up, and he knows Chris will be up soon. But none of that matters right now, it’s just Buck and Eddie.</p><p>
  <em>Like it’s always been </em>
</p><p>Said person pulls back to look up at Buck, who smiles and gives Eddie a chaste kiss and lets it longer for a moment before leaning his forehead against’s Eddie’s. He sighs and tries to gather strength that Buck always seems to have. Eddie sighs and has an apology for losing control ready, but Buck can see it from a mile away.</p><p>“Hey…” Buck says quietly, unwrapping his arms from Eddie’s back to gently grip his neck. “I’m sorry you had to go through that alone Eddie. But I promise you-“ Buck angles their faces until they make eye contact so Eddie can hear the words. “-You, Eddie Diaz, are enough for me. You never have to think about your place with me, or think whether or not you’re good enough for me. You and Christopher will always be good enough for me ok? And I know this won’t stick to you over night, I know more than anyone that these insecurities don’t go away so easily. But in case you ever forget, just look at me, and I’ll remind you ok? I know this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, but I’m glad you did. I’m so proud of you” Buck says softly and Eddie’s heart beats at this.</p><p>“I don’t deserve you,” Eddie says, hugging Buck close again.</p><p>“None of that now Eddie. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too…more than you could ever know,” Eddie says and hugs Buck close again. They stay like that until they feel a tug at their shorts. Buck looks down to see Chris looking up at them, smiling.</p><p>“I want a hug too,” Chris says and Eddie lets go of Buck to pick up Chris and leans back into Buck again. Buck places a soft kiss into Christopher’s hair and pulls both his boys close.</p><p>
  <em>His boys…he loves the sound of that...</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t remember? What do you mean?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know it happened...there’s no doubt in my mind that it happened. But, sometimes, something I know that should remind me of it...doesn’t. And when I think about one of the nights...nothing happens. I don’t remember what happened or how it happened.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Ok...I want you to close your eyes for a focus exercise" Buck nods but then asks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do I need to focus on?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Since this happened on numerous occasions, let's try to focus on the very first night.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What is that going to do?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Have you ever heard of the Zeigarnik effect?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...No?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Incomplete tasks can trap the brain into loops of repetitive thinking." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...ok but what does that have to do with anything?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“People suffering with PTSD tend to avoid the bad memories that caused the condition. In this case, though you may not be doing it intentionally, your mind isn't thinking about those nights. And because of this, your brain keeps getting stuck in the trauma. Hence why you keep having nightmares, even on good days. Your brain wants you to process these events"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What if I’m not ready?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No one is ever truly ready to confront the things that traumatized us. But if we wait for the right time, then we never will truly process what happened to us. Our time is almost up, I will give you instructions on what to do. And it will help if someone you trust is there when you process.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Will this defeat the demons?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We never lose our demons, we only learn to live above them."</em>
</p><p>“You ready for this?” Eddie asks, standing behind Buck.</p><p>“No...but if I don’t do this now, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” Buck says as he sits down at the table. He's nervous all over the place, but the hand on his shoulder is calming him a little.</p><p>“I’m right here ok?” Eddie squeezes his shoulder in reassurance and Buck covers his hand with his. He lays his phone with the recorded message and follows the instructions.</p><p>“C-can you keep your hands on me?” Buck asks Eddie and he squeezes his shoulders.</p><p>
  <em>I want you to close your eyes and count each breath up to five. As you count, try to remember that night...exactly as it happened</em>
</p><p>Eddie swallows when he hears Buck start the count.</p><p>“One” Eddie instantly feels Buck tense up, and he digs his hands into his shoulders a little bit, silently telling him that he’s still there. He sees Buck’s closed eyes squinting shut, and he can see tears beginning to form.</p><p>“Two” Eddie feels his heart break when he hears the fear, wishing he can take it away, but he knows that Buck needs to do this.</p><p>“T-three” Buck leans forward to place his head on the table. He fists banging on the marble top. Eddie thanks his luck that abuela wanted Chris tonight. He knows that he would have been scared to see Buck this way.</p><p>“F-f-” Buck starts crying and Eddie takes a risk.</p><p>“Four” He says quietly and he can see Buck curling more into himself as time seems to go on. Buck then shudders and sits back up.</p><p>“Five” Buck then opens his eyes and he tries to take a breath.</p><p>“Buck? How do you feel?” Eddie asks, letting go of his shoulders to come to stand next to him. Buck looks up at him, fear but the relief in his eyes.</p><p>“Like a tiny...TINY weight has just been lifted off of me...” Buck says before his face falls and the tears come out, full force. Eddie sits on the tabletop, grabbing Buck’s face and pulling him in. Buck buries his face in Eddie’s shoulder and grips his shirt until his knuckles turn white. He gives Buck a kiss on the side of his head. Eddie smiles and pulls back to cradle Buck’s head, wiping the tears off a little. Buck looks up at him with shiny blue eyes, and Eddie knows that if the situation was different, he would love to get lost in them.</p><p>"Evan Buckley, do you have any idea how proud I am of you?” Eddie asks with tears in his eyes, smiling down at Buck.</p><p>“N-no” Buck says as Eddie smiles a little and pulls him in again. Buck cries into Eddie’s shoulder, holding him close, his fingers spread out wide to grasp <em>more</em> of him.</p><p>“Eddie…” Buck says softly and Eddie tightens his hold.</p><p>“I’m here amor…right here” Eddie rests his chin on Buck’s head, a hand running up and down his back while the other in tangled in his hair. Eddie then begins to rock them side to side, kissing him on the head again.</p><p>“So proud of you,” Eddie says softly.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>It started off with little things</em>
</p><p>They were lying in bed together when it was nearing midnight, and he could hear Eddie asleep next to him. He rolled over to his side and softly climbed out of the bed. He goes outside and sits on the picnic table, looking up at the moon. His insomnia is acting up again, he forgot his phone in the room, but he enjoys the cool night air nonetheless. He breathes deeply, feeling his body relax a little at this simple gesture, he thinks back to how his life has been going for the past 7 months.</p><p>Has it really been that long?</p><p>7 months ago, he thought he was going to die without telling the people he loves goodbye, and now his relationships have been on the mend, and he and Eddie are becoming partners in everyday possible. They both are still going to therapy for separate things, but they end up driving home together, hand in hand. Buck smiles when he thinks how they have been helping each other with their issues. They are able to pick the other one up is they fall. Buck is working on his PTSD and recovery while Eddie works on his respective PTSD, past anger issues and abandonment issues.</p><p>Buck’s smile falters when some nights he wakes up to Eddie clinging to him tightly. Buck knows that it’s those nights that Eddie’s insecurities come out full force, and Buck does his best to hold him through it all, and makes sure to hug extra tight before they enter work.</p><p>All the days blend together. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are good, and some days are bad, but Buck finds himself being able to deal with the bad days with his boys there for him. Sometimes the great days turn into bad ones, but Buck will always find himself in Eddie’s arms, feeling like nothing can hurt him. Just to give him a hug, to be with him in every way possible, Buck can find himself relaxing at the mere thought. 7 months ago, he was so afraid that the relationship between him and Eddie was unfixable, and while they both made mistakes, they are working on it. And that’s good enough for Buck.</p><p>As he gets lost in more thoughts, he doesn’t hear Eddie slipping out the door and placing a blanket on Buck’s shoulders. He smiles as he sees Buck wrap it tighter around himself and lean back into Eddie, who has taken a seat right behind him. He wraps his arms around Buck’s stomach and pulls him close.</p><p>“Insomnia again?” Eddie whispers sleepily against Buck’s shoulder. He feels bad that Eddie has to come out here, but he knows that they both have the day off tomorrow, so they can sleep in today.</p><p>“Yea…sor-“</p><p>“It’s ok amor. Don’t be…sorry,” Eddie says, taking a pause to yawn.</p><p>“You should go to sleep Ed. Don’t let me keep you up.”</p><p>“Not without you…I need my human body pillow,” Eddie says and Buck lets out a quiet huff of laughter.</p><p>“Go ahead, I’ll be in soon ok?” Eddie nods again against his shoulder before placing a soft kiss on the back of Buck’s hair. Sliding off the table and heading inside. Buck waits a little bit before repeating the same actions, leaving the blanket back on the couch before joining Eddie in the room. The second Buck is settled under the covers, Eddie curls himself around Buck.</p><p>“You still want to try and get some sleep?” Eddie asks, yawning again.</p><p>“I know I’ll fall asleep if I lie on my front but…I’m scared,” Buck says and Eddie nods in understanding. But then an idea hits him.</p><p>“Here” Eddie uncurls himself from Buck to lie straight, who slowly straddles Eddie. He looks down at Eddie shyly, who smiles a little, stroking the side of Buck’s face tenderly. Buck leans into the touch, placing his hands on Eddie’s chest, he can feel his heartbeat under his right hand. “Lie on top of me,” Eddie says, and Buck nods.</p><p>“My therapist says skin on skin contact can help me with bad dreams…can we do that?” Buck asks quietly and Eddie nods. He grips the hem of Buck’s shirt, silently asking if he can take his shirt off, and he nods. Eddie slowly takes Buck’s shirt off and places it gently on the floor. Eddie runs his hands up Buck’s arms and gently squeezes his biceps. Eddie slowly slides a hand in Buck’s hair and pulls him down gently to lie on him. Buck instantly buries his face in between Eddie’s shoulder and neck. He wills his body to relax as his hands find themselves under Eddie’s pillow and his body curling around him.</p><p>“Better?” Eddie asks in the low voice and Buck nods.</p><p>“Much…” Eddie’s hands are resting on Buck’s legs, massaging the bad leg.</p><p>“Can I put my hands on you?” Eddie asks, and Buck hums yes. Buck feels Eddie’s hands his back, and he feels himself tense a little. Eddie must feel this too, because he begins to gently scratch Buck’s back with his short nails. Buck feels a wave of chills go through his body at this sensation and Eddie chuckles a bit.</p><p>“How do you feel amor?” Eddie asks, and Buck can hear him teetering on the verge of sleep, and he can feel himself getting more tired.</p><p>“Safe…and loved,” Buck says and Eddie tightens his hold.</p><p>“Never forget that Buck,” Eddie says and Buck groans as he brings his hands out from under the pillow and uses them to support himself as he hovers over Eddie. Buck stares into Eddie’s eyes as he smiles gently. Leaning down to place a soft kiss to Eddie, who kisses back just as softly. It doesn’t turn into anything too seedy, they spend a few minutes like this, languorously exchanging kisses before Buck pulls back.</p><p>“I love you,” Buck says in their small intimate bubble, and Eddie’s heart beats.</p><p>“I love you,” Eddie says, smiling up at Buck. He then relaxes as Buck tucks himself back into Eddie. Instead of scratching his back again, his hugs Buck close.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>He had been taken off of the blood thinners about a week ago, but he can still bruise easily. The last call of the day was evident enough. There was an apartment fire, and Buck was clearing the house, but he didn’t anticipate the floor giving out from underneath him. He fell about 10ft into the basement and exited through the bottom door, but not before his back was bruised. Eddie drove Buck back to his place.</p><p>He complained about back pain and Eddie saw the bruising when he lifted his shirt. Now here they are, in bed with Eddie straddling him, boxing Bucks’s lower half in between his thighs. Eddie pulled out some Arnica oil that he always carries in his bag. He offered the option of a back massage and Buck took it.</p><p>“Ready?”</p><p>“Yea”</p><p>“You let me know if you get uncomfortable, and we’ll stop ok?”</p><p>“I know, I trust you,” Buck then tries to exhale as he feels Eddie’s hands on his back. They are slicked with relaxing massage oil, and Eddie begins to gently knead the tension of the day out of Buck. The tenseness he felt when lying on his back was bleeding out of him as Eddie worked the oil into Buck’s skin. Eddie smiles when Buck elicits a low groan when he puts pressure into his shoulder blades. He’s thankful that he is able to do this for Buck. Yes, it’s just a back massage, but Buck told him how much it scares him to lie on his front with someone behind him. So Eddie is thankful for the opportunity to help him. He knows that it will take a while before the fear can go away, but he knows this is a good start.</p><p>“Does it hurt anywhere else amor?” Eddie asks as his hands glide easily up and down Buck’s arms and down to his lower back.</p><p>“I think I bruised my hip when I fell,” Buck says and Eddie hums. He pushes down on each side of Buck’s lower back and sits father back to have easier access to his hip area.</p><p>“I’m going to lower your shorts just a little ok?” Eddie says and waits for Buck to give the ok. Sure enough, Eddie sees light bruises around Buck’s hips. He lathers more oil and gently massages the tender area. He winces in sympathy when Buck’s head shoots up and he hisses.</p><p>“Sorry amor.”</p><p>“It’s ok…just a little sore,” Buck says and Eddie makes sure to be extra careful around that area. The scent of the Arnica oil leaves a musky pine and sage smell. Eddie can feel Buck falling asleep, so he finishes off the massage and gently slides off of him. Making sure to gently kiss Buck on the shoulder before sliding the blanket over him, tucking it around him. He turns off the light before going to check on Chris. He sees that Chris is sleeping soundly, he turns off all the lights before slipping into bed, so content as to where is he now.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Eddie likes to think that after almost a year of therapy, that he had a pretty good handle on his anger issues. Like his therapist told him, he takes it one day at a time, and when he finds himself getting angry at something, he will talk to Buck and together they will find a solution. But right here, he wants to <em>murder the </em>man in front of him.</p><p>Every call they’ve been on has been short and easy. Mostly for the paramedics, so Buck and Eddie assist where they can. Their shift is almost over and they are just relaxing in the loft with some snacks that Bobby made in front of them. They hear the ambulance with Hen, Chim and a handful of other paramedics climb out of the ambulance and go their separate ways.</p><p>“Can you two go do inventory of the ambulance and refill any supplies before the graveyard shift? I’ll feed Hen and Chim before they collapse,” Bobby asks and they both make their way down to do just that. Buck reads off of the list and Eddie, who is inside the ambulance says whether or not they need more. Once the list is done, Buck goes to the stock room to get the necessary supplies and Eddie waits.</p><p>About 10 minutes pass and Buck still isn’t back. There were only a few items on the list, so it shouldn’t have taken this long. Sensing something is wrong, he makes his way to the supply closet and what he sees in front of him makes his blood boil. Buck is backed up against the wall and Larkin is in his personal space, poking him in his chest. Eddie doesn’t know what he’s saying but he doesn’t care. Buck looks <em>terrified</em>. The final straw was when Larkin roughly shoved Buck back.</p><p>“Get the fuck away from him!” Eddie knows that he should be more quiet, but right now, he didn’t care. His priority is Buck and getting him away from Larkin. Eddie grips the back of Larkin’s shirt and pulls him back, sliding himself in between Buck and Larkin.</p><p>“Get back now!” Eddie holds his hand out, every single part of his body is coiled and is ready to fight if necessary. He hears the pounding of feet and he sees Bobby and the others in the doorway.</p><p>“What’s going on in here?” Bobby demands.</p><p>“This asshole was up in Buck’s personal space, getting physical,” Eddie says and Chim comes in to escort Larkin out, who yells back as he’s dragged out by Chim.</p><p>“Only because this whore is lying about getting raped, men don’t get raped!” Larkin yells and just like that, the entire atmosphere of the station changes. There are quiet gasps of disbelief all around the station and everyone is staring at Larkin, who is outside of the room. Eddie is about to murder this man for saying bullshit like that, but he stops when he feels Buck’s arms wrap around him from behind, holding him back. Eddie instantly turns around and kneels, bringing Buck in for a tight hug.</p><p>“I’m here Buck…he can’t hurt you,” Buck whimpers and it damn near breaks Eddie’s heart. He kisses Buck on the side of the head and running his fingers through his hair.</p><p><em>“-my office now!” </em>Eddie inwardly cringes at the obvious anger in Bobby’s voice. He swears he can feel the entire house shake with rage and he’s so glad not to be the receiving end of that anger. Hen pokes her head in.</p><p>“Buck are you physically ok? Did he hurt you?” Hen asks, not stepping into the small room, not wanting Buck to feel claustrophobic.</p><p>“I’m fine physically Hen…thank you,” Buck peaks up from behind Eddie.</p><p>“Bobby says you two are dismissed and to call him if you need anything ok?” Chim says, looking in the same room. They leave, not wanting Buck to feel crowded.</p><p>“Come on Buck, your place or mine?”</p><p>“Y-yours,” Buck says and Eddie gently lifts him up into a standing position.</p><p>“Go wait in the car amor, I’ll be there as fast as I can ok? I’m going to grab our things.” Buck nods and grabs the keys from Eddie’s hands and walks out of the station, ignoring the looks everyone is giving him.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“You sure you’re ok baby? It’s ok if you aren’t,” Eddie says, taking Buck’s hands before unlocking the door.</p><p>“I’m fine right now Eddie, we’ll talk later, I just want to see Christopher,” Eddie nods, and unlocks the front door. Christopher is instantly getting down from the dining room chair and goes to greet his dads. Eddie hugs his son, telling him that he’s going to make sure Carla is good before handing him off to Buck.</p><p>“Hi pop,” Buck smiles and hugs Christopher a little tighter. He still couldn’t decide whether to call Buck pop or papa, but Buck loves them both, saying that he knows that Chris loves him no matter what he calls him.</p><p>“How’s my superman?”</p><p>“Good! I saw w-what the rings on Saturn look like!” Buck smiles as he remembers that Christopher’s class to a trip to the planetarium today.</p><p>“That’s awesome Chris! Did you have fun?”</p><p>“I did…but I’m kinda sad.”</p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“Now I know the moon isn’t really made of cheese.”</p><p>“Oh sorry kiddo. But at least it was fun to imagine right?”</p><p>“Can we have something cheesy for dinner tonight?”</p><p>“How about we make spaghetti?”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Ok, I’ll get started, you go find your dad ok?”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“How are you really feeling?” Eddie asks as Buck is doing the dishes, leaning back into his space as he comes to wrap his arms around his waist, leaning his chin again his shoulder.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Buck asks, looking over his shoulder.</p><p>“That guy was such a dick to you…are you ok? Christopher is asleep.”</p><p>“Not the first time someone hasn’t believed me about getting raped,” Buck says.</p><p>“Buck I-“ Eddie starts as he unwraps his arms and steps back.</p><p>“No no no Eddie, we’re past that,” Buck says as he brings a hand to Eddie’s hip. He rinses his hands of soap and dries them as he turns around, still in Eddie’s arms.</p><p>“Buck-“</p><p>“Hey, you apologized, and we’re moving past it ok? We’re ok,” Buck says as he leans down to give a chaste kiss to Eddie in reassurance. Eddie brings his hand to his neck and pulls him closer. After a moment, Eddie pulls away and studies Buck’s face for a moment. But Buck gives a slight smile.</p><p>“I feel a little better knowing that Bobby is going to handle it. I’ll never have to see him again…I hope.”</p><p>“Bobby will deal with him. I know he will.” Buck nods and leans his forehead against Eddie’s and they sway to music that isn’t playing. Eddie opens his eyes when he sees Buck sighing in content.</p><p>“You ok baby?”</p><p>“I never thought this could happen to me before…”</p><p>“What?” When Buck doesn’t respond, Eddie slides his hands from Buck’s back onto his neck in encouragement.</p><p>“That I would be as loved as I am now. I never thought that I could feel so loved...peaceful and safe. I was always used to being on my own. After Abby and everything that happened afterwards, I thought I was going to be alone,” Buck says and Eddie smiles sadly as he pulls them into their shared bedroom. They go through their nighttime routine of brushing their teeth and they both undress to a shirt and their boxers. Eddie lies down first then is taken by surprise when Buck straddles him without hesitation.</p><p>“You aren’t alone anymore Buck…I promise,” Eddie says as he reaches up to caress his cheek. Buck leans into the touch and begins to tear up. “What’s wrong amor? Talk to me.” Eddie says as he wipes the tears away.</p><p>“After everything that’s happened, the bombing, and then everything after…with Chase,” Buck looks down, beginning to get emotional and Eddie slides his hands onto his hips to ground Buck to the present. “-After Chase…I thought that no one could love me after what he did to me. I felt so unclean, hopeless, angry, and scared. And I thought I was going to have to go through it alone, and I did for a while, but then the others were there. And now you are too," Buck says as he looks down to give a shy smile at Eddie. He still has so much that he needs to say, and Eddie must sense this because he squeezes Buck’s arms in soft encouragement.</p><p>“Some days it's hard. I mean you know that." Eddie nods at this. "Most of me knows that it wasn't my fault, but a small part of me is still so angry...and feels that I could have prevented this somehow. And I don't feel this way anymore-but a part of me wished I was dead after everything. I didn't think that I was strong enough to get through something like this,” Buck looks down at Eddie and he can see that Eddie is processing the words.</p><p>“I’m glad you told me this Buck, and I’m happy that you feel safe here with me…right?” Eddie asks, suddenly full of doubt and Buck smiles slightly as he nods.</p><p>“Yea I do. I feel a lot of things when I’m with you. Joy, content, safe, loved and so many other things that I can’t name right now” Buck chuckles and Eddie laughs too.</p><p>“I used to be scared that I was going to be alone. I’m used to people leaving me, first Maddie, then Abby and Ali. I got so used to being left behind, that I was scared that you were going to do it too. I know you won’t but-” Buck runs his hands up and down Eddie’s chest and stomach as he sighs. Eddie is startled when he feels tears hitting his stomach. Eddie looks as Buck silently lets out a few tears and shrugs one shoulder. “-I’m terrified…p-please don’t leave me behind,” Buck practically begs and sobs. Eddie sits up to envelop Buck in a tight hug and gently rocking him side to side as Buck softly cries.</p><p>“I won’t leave you behind, amor.” Eddie says once Buck stops crying.</p><p>“Y-you promise?” Buck asks hesitantly as he pulls back to look at Eddie, who is holding his pinky out.</p><p>“I promise” Buck blinks the tears out of his eyes and wraps his pinky around Eddie’s, “With all my heart” Eddie adds and Buck gives a teary smile. Eddie then gently kisses Buck as he pulls him down to the bed.</p><p>“Sleep amor. I’m right here,” Eddie says as he thinks about what has just transpired. He tries to think on ways he can show Buck how serious he is about never leaving him behind.</p><p>
  <em>He just wonders how he can do that</em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck laughs as he looks around at the people gathered around him. Everyone is having drinks and laughing as Bobby and Michael are cooking and grilling by the front. He feels the weight shift in his lap and he smiles as baby Nia claps at something that Chris and Henry are doing. It’s the first get together that the 118 has had since the end of the lawsuit and Buck’s smile falters as he thinks about this. He never thought that he would be invited to one of these ever again, or that he would live long enough to be part of his family. Nia must have sensed his mood change because she started making funny faces at him.</p><p>Buck smiles at her antics and gives her a raspberry on her cheek as she giggles. Buck closes his eyes and he inhales the sunny warm air surrounding him. He feels a presence sit down next to him and he leans into the arm that is now around his shoulders. Buck smiles as Eddie pushed a soft kiss into his hair.</p><p>“You doing ok amor? This isn’t overwhelming is it?” Eddie asks because he sees that everyone from their team has brought two or more people with them. Even Josh and Charlie with their husband and kids is off at a table with others. Eddie didn’t think that Bobby and Athena’s backyard was big enough to fit everyone, but they seemed to have made it work. Buck had mingled with everyone before Nia wanted some attention.</p><p>“A little, but I know I can step into the house away from everyone if I need to. I’m good, just never thought I could do this again. Be somewhere surrounded by the people I love? I’m happy.”</p><p>“You’re happy?” Eddie asks as he looks over to Buck.</p><p>“Yep, I’m happy.” Buck smiles as he leans his head into Eddie’s shoulder. “I’m glad we made it.”</p><p>“Me too,” Eddie says in a whisper, kissing Buck’s forehead once again and pulling him closer.</p><p>“I love you,” Eddie whispers as he leans his forehead against Buck.</p><p>“I love you,” Buck says as he leans back and meets Eddie halfway. They lean against each other like this until Bobby and Michael call everyone for food. Buck gets up to hand Nia back to Karen before going to grab Chris. Eddie smiles as he thinks about how attentive Buck is with Nia and the kids of the 118, even Charlie’s kids. It makes him think about what the future might hold.</p><p>Eddie stands off to the side as he sees everyone mingling and laughing. Buck helping Chris with what he wants before sitting down on the grass with him. He thinks back on the events of the last year…god it’s been one year since everything that has happened. And like Buck said, some days are good and some are bad. But Eddie wouldn’t want to have it any other way. Hs heart pangs as he thinks back to the promise he made to Buck, about never leaving him behind. And even a month later, he has been trying to think about how he can show Buck how much he really loves him.</p><p>
  <em>He hopes the secret that Chris and he are keeping is enough...</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=national+sexual+assault+hotline&amp;oq=nation&amp;aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j35i39l2j0l3j69i61.828j0j7&amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;ie=UTF-8">National Sexual Assault</a> Hotline is available 24/7</p><p>NSAH #: 1-800-656-4673</p><p>PS: this chapter was split into two because of length, so the last chapter will be up by next week! </p><p>Stay safe out there!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Special thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666">missmeagan666</a> for being the BETA for this chapter!</em>
</p><hr/><p>Buck stands in the doorway. He sees Bobby sitting next to her on the couch and he’s reading a book. Athena motions for Buck to come in, but he finds that he can’t force his legs to move. Bobby sees this and gets up to give Athena and Buck some privacy, but not before patting him on the shoulder in soft encouragement.</p><p>“Honey come in here,” Athena motions again and Buck enters, even if everything is telling him not to. He carefully takes a seat next to her. She places a hand on his shoulder in comfort before he begins to shed some tears.</p><p>“I’m ok baby,” Athena says, gently stroking his face as she smiles softly. He sighs deeply before wiping his tears. She whispers for him to give her a hug and he does, but carefully. She is still bruised and he doesn’t want to hurt her any further.</p><p>“I really thought I lost you m-Athena. And that’s crazy cause Bobby is the one that should be feeling this way but I can’t-“ Athena gently wipes her tears while gently shushing him.</p><p>“How many times do I have to tell you that what you feel is completely valid?” Athena asks kindly and patiently. Buck shakes his head as he chases the thoughts away.</p><p>“How are you doing Athena? Really?” She was about to answer but she stopped and pondered.</p><p>“I feel like I could have done better. I’ve been a police officer for over 30 years, and this man, who isn’t even bigger than me…he got the best of me.” Athena says before continuing “I just wish I-“</p><p>“Could have done something different? Spoke up earlier? Called for backup?” Buck finishes and Athena looks at him and she gets a clearer indication of what Buck went through. She nods at this before sighing.</p><p>“I worry because I see the look of fear on Bobby’s face. I mean I’m still alive but-“</p><p>“He heard you,” Buck said before he could stop himself.</p><p>“What?” Athena asks in shock and Buck wonders if he overstepped. But Athena is silently asking him to continue, so he does.</p><p>“When you called dispatch, Maddie answered. She then called us and told us that there was an officer that needed assistance. It didn’t take a genius to figure out who Maddie was talking about. Bobby heard every single blow that you both landed. I saw him go numb when the gun went off, then we got there and the rest is history.” Buck says, breaking eye contact with Athena before looking down at his shaking hands. Forcing himself to relieve the memory of when he thought he lost his mom-figure. He shuts his eyes, trying to control the tears but Athena’s hand is in his before long.</p><p>“I’m sorry you had to go through that baby,” Athena says with a rare sad smile on her face.</p><p>“Me? Bobby’s the one who-“</p><p>“He has been hovering over me since I woke up. And I know he will be once we get home, it’s his way of dealing with it. The kids will worry but I want May to focus on her prom right now. Harry will talk to his dad and Bobby and all will be well. But you? Now that I worry about.” Athena says and Buck sniffs.</p><p>“I’ll be fine…I have Eddie. But Bobby’s your fam-“</p><p>“Buck, you’re my family too. You know that right? You’re like the dumbass white boy son I never had,” Athena says jokingly.</p><p>“Je-sus,” Buck wheezes out despite the tears running down his face.</p><p>“I’m serious hun. I know we didn’t get along when we first met, but I’m so glad that you’re my son,” Athena gently cups Buck’s face, stroking the side of his cheek while wiping the tear track off of his face.</p><p>“I love you kiddo,” Athena says and Buck smiles tearfully before sighing out.</p><p>“T-thanks mom,” Buck then inhales sharply when he hears himself and what he just said. “O-oh wait! I-i’m sorry I-“</p><p>“You have nothing to be sorry about baby,” Athena says, gently pinching Buck’s cheeks in reassurance.</p><p>“I-I was really scared I lost you Athena. Y-you’ve been there for me since the beginning. I don’t think I could have come forward like I did if it wasn’t for you.”</p><p>“I’ve been an officer for 30 years, and I’ve never wanted to murder a man as much as I did to Chase when I heard what happened. I know it wasn’t easy to come forward, but I’ve never been more proud of you than I am right now. I love you baby.” Athena says smiling and bringing Buck in for a hug.</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“What’s all this?” Buck asks when he sees the table settings of the usually bare table of Eddie’s house. Chris is smiling up at Buck from his chair. Buck places his keys down and hangs his jacket on the coat rack as he steps inside. The table is set perfectly with a bottle of sparkling juice out on the table with some steaming pots set in front of them. The plates and silverware match and there are even clear glass cups out with colorful napkins. Buck’s breath is taken away when Eddie steps out of the kitchen and is dressed in somewhat fancy clothing. He has one a white dress shirt with a casual blazer and matching pants while Christopher has one of his nice sweaters on.</p><p>“I feel very underdressed now,” Buck says as he looks down he sees his usual black pants with his button-down V-neck blue plaid shirt.</p><p>“Nonsense, you look amazing amor,” Eddie says as he grips Buck’s arms before sliding his hands down them to intertwine them with Buck’s. He pulls him in to give him a fast <em>welcome home</em> kiss before pulling him over to sit at the table. Chris smiles and leans into Buck for a hug as Eddie practically dances in and out of the kitchen. Once everything seems to be in place, Eddie serves Chris some food before serving Buck some.</p><p>“Ok what’s going on?” Buck asks before he digs into his food.</p><p>“Nothing, just thought I would treat you to a nice night,” Eddie says and Buck blushes like there’s no tomorrow.</p><p>“Did you make this yourself?” Buck asks again and Eddie ducks his head.</p><p>“Well I had a little help,“ Eddie smiles and shrugs.</p><p>“Abuela and Tia came over to show us!” Chris perks up and Buck smiles at this. While he knows that Eddie is learning how to cook, he still doesn’t 100% trust him in the kitchen by himself.</p><p>“Well in that case, then I’m sure it’ll be delicious no matter what,” Buck says as he digs into the steaming assortment of food on his plate and he practically melts at the perfect flavors of the food. “Remind me to call abuela and tia later” Buck says with his mouth half full. All three of them laugh as they exchange stories and Chris tells them about his day at school. Once dinner is done, Eddie brings out a flan for everyone to share. Buck can’t get out of his seat once everything is eaten, but he has to help Eddie with the dishes. Once he seats Chris in front of his tablet to do his math exercises, he goes to find Eddie.</p><p>“So…is there any particular reason for tonight?” Buck asks, stepping into the kitchen with some plates in his hands. Eddie takes them and puts them in the sink before taking Buck’s hand.</p><p>“I know you’ve been having a hard week, I just wanted to do something to make you feel a little better, that’s all,” Eddie says as he brings Buck in for a tender hug and Buck sighs as he curls himself into Eddie.</p><p>“Thank you…I don’t deserve this,” Buck says, tightening his hold on Eddie who has to readjust his hold to grip Buck tighter against him.</p><p>“Don’t think like that baby, I’m here,” Eddie says before leaning up to give Buck a reaffirming kiss. “I’m here,” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips as he gently wipes the stray tears away.</p><p>“Talk to me…what are you thinking?” Buck tries to speak, but nothing comes out. Eddie pulls him out to sit outside, telling Chris where they will be.</p><p>
  <em>Eddie’s backyard has become their safe space, where no matter what they are feeling, the safe space that they have created will never change. There are no negative feelings towards each other, it’s a space where they can get their feelings out in the open and go from there. </em>
</p><p>“Is this about Athena?” Eddie asks and does that thing where he shuts his eyes in order to stop the emotions that are threatening to come out. Eddie simply slides a little closer and offers his hand to Buck, who takes it a moment later. Eddie grips it in reassurance, the same amount of when they were forced to listen to every blow that Athena was dealt with.</p><p>“I know she’s ok. I just came from the hospital but…it’s just hard,” Buck says, struggling to say more. Eddie squeezes his hand as he leans back as a way to say that he’s there. “She was the first person I told about what happened to me. On our way to the station…she asked, and I told her everything.</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know if I can do this Athena.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No one is making you do anything baby. It’s entirely up to you to do this.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I-I want to…but I’m just so scared. I-I understand how hard it is for women to come forward…I-I can’t even imagine-” Buck leans back into the headrest, sipping his smoothie as he sighs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll be with you every step of the way baby,” Athena reaches over to squeeze his arm in reassurance and love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He can’t hurt you anymore.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t know that…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re right, but I will do my damn near hardest to protect you. I’ve got you.” </em>
</p><p>“All I could think about was how terrifying the situation was, but with Athena’s encouragement, I came forward…and here we are nearly a year and a half later.” Buck says, vaguely gesturing to the air around him. It’s quiet for a while before Buck lets out a snort of soft laughter.</p><p>“I called Athena <em>mom</em>…it was an accident but she was cool with it,” Buck shrugs and Eddie lets out a soft laugh too.</p><p>“Well she’s always had a soft spot for you, so I’m not surprised.”</p><p>“My biological mom is nothing like Athena. She wasn’t…emotionally available to be a mom. She never hit me, but she didn’t acknowledge me most of the time either. Maddie was there for me more often than not but…”</p><p>“But then she left?” Eddie offers softly and Buck nods again, screwing his eyes shut again.</p><p>“We’ve talked about it…still are. And she said that it wouldn’t happen again. But once was enough…twice was too much and now?”</p><p>“You’re afraid she’s going to do it again?” Buck nods again.</p><p>“I know that she has good things here now, Chimney, a good job, friends…”</p><p>“You too,” Eddie adds and Buck smiles softly at this.</p><p>“She promised me that I would never be left behind because I had her. But she promised me that once…then she left. Ever since then…I’ve always been left behind.” Buck says and leans into Eddie’s side.</p><p>“That will never happen to us…you know that right?” Eddie asks hesitantly, and Buck nods after a moment.</p><p>“I do, in my head I know it…but in my heart? I can’t help but think about when the other shoe is going to drop, I guess I’ve been burned too many times.” Buck leans back into Eddie’s space, sighing as he feels said person’s arms wrap around his middle and pulls him closer. Buck lets out a soft sad sigh before speaking again:</p><p>“It’s ok though…I’m used to it.”</p><p>“I wish you weren’t,” Buck smiled sadly and pressed himself against Eddie, relishing when strong arms closed around him, making him feel safe. Some time passes before Eddie slides off of the picnic table and slowly brings Buck back inside. They end up watching some TV on the couch before they both start to clean up from dinner. Eddie cleans the table while Buck does the dishes. Eddie walks in after cleaning the last of the dining room when he sees Buck drying a plate and placing it in the cabinet. He’s about to grab another one from the drying rack when Eddie gently wraps his arms around Buck from behind.</p><p>Eddie finds it to be oddly domestic. He didn't think that he would have this with anyone. After Shannon, he was content to be a single father, but now? He can’t imagine going back to being just him and his son. They both love Buck, and Eddie wants to keep him in his life. Buck turns around in his arms and slips an earbud into Eddie’s ear. They soon begin to sway to the song:</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Just like the sun over the mountain tops</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>You know I'll always come again</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>You know I love to spend my morning time</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Like sunlight dancing on your skin</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“I like this song,” Eddie says and Buck smiles into the dance.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I've never gone so wrong as to telling lies to you</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>What you've seen is what I've been</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>There is nothing I could hide from you</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>You see me better than I can</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I only hope that you can hold me now</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Till I can gain control again </em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“I sometimes think that this is all a dream. Then I wake up and remember that it’s real, but sometimes it doesn’t feel real” Buck says honestly and Eddie pulls back to look at Buck.</p><p>“This is real Buck. What we have, with each other and with Christopher? It’s real, I promise,” Eddie says.</p><p>“I know it is…but like I said outside, I feel that this will fade away and I’ll be left alone.”</p><p>“You won’t be amor-“</p><p>“You can’t promise that Eddie,” Buck says gently pulling away as he turns to sigh. He hears Christopher coming into the kitchen and he is about to greet him.</p><p>“I can and I will.”</p><p>“No you can’t.”</p><p>“Yes I can.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“With this,” Buck doesn’t hear anything else come from Eddie. He turns around to speak again but all he sees is Eddie on one knee, holding out a ring.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Where did you get a ring?” Buck asks as he looks at the band of silver now on his hand. He smiles as he cuddles closer into Eddie’s side on the bed.</p><p>“I’ve…actually had it for a long time. Not important,” Eddie says quickly and Buck sits up to look at him with a coy expression.</p><p>“When did you know you were a little attracted to me?” Buck asks and Eddie thinks back in remembrance.</p><p>“When we got that teen out of the water, the one with the microwave on his head? I saw you in wet clothes and I thought…<em>holy shit, yes,”</em> Eddie says and they both laugh at that.</p><p>“You?”</p><p>“When I saw you in climbing gear…I don’t know, it just did something for me,” they both laugh again and bask in the silence of their shared bedroom. Buck had obviously said yes when Eddie asked him the question, and Chris cheered from the side.</p><p>“You don’t think this is a little soon right? Cause I don’t mind waiting,” Eddie says as he grabs Buck’s left hand where it is placed on his chest.</p><p>“It’s been a year and a half. We were kinda dating before that…and sure there were a few obstacles along the way. But this feels right, and I’m glad we found each other.”</p><p>“Me too baby…me too.” Eddie says, placing a soft kiss in his hair.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck and Eddie had exchanged vows and signed the marriage certificate in front of a judge. Christopher is sitting excitedly in his wheelchair, legs swinging back and forth in excitement. After they submit the necessary paperwork, the judge asks if they need anything else before they go to process the papers.</p><p>“I have something!” Eddie smiles knowingly as Buck tilts his head in confusion. Eddie goes to lock the wheelchair and Christopher slowly stands up and steadily makes his way to the judge’s chair. Chris pulls out some papers from his backpack and hands it to the judge, who is leaning over the table to take it from Chris. They open the folder and smile at the papers, calling all three of them forward before handing it back to Chris.</p><p>“Papa?” Chris tugs at his pants until Buck squats down to his level.</p><p>“Yeah buddy?”</p><p>“These are for you…f-from me,” Chris says as he shyly hands Buck the folder. He opens it and his eyes widen, getting glassy because of tears.</p><p>“Chris…Eddie I-“</p><p>“He’s every bit yours as he is mine. I know you love him as much as I do, this just puts in it writing.”</p><p>“I-oh my god yes! Christopher Diaz, I would be honored to adopt you.” Chris cheers and hugs Buck.</p><p>“Love you papa.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>While they didn’t have a wedding, they had a small reception surrounded by the people they love. Maddie teared up as she hugged Eddie, thanking him quietly for loving her brother. His parents were watching from the table, Eddie knows that sometimes they are still very traditional, but they smiled and congratulated him nonetheless. When he called and told them the news, they had been silent, much like they had been when he announced that Shannon was pregnant. For once, Eddie finds himself not caring about what they have to say about the life he’s built here in LA, he’s happy, healthy, and has a family, isn’t that enough?</p><p>
  <em>“Can’t you two just be happy for me?” Eddie asks in frustration over the Skype video. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We are Mijo-“</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It doesn’t sound like it mama.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We just want to make sure you know what you are doing-“</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mama, I haven’t been this happy in a long time, isn’t that enough for you two?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We just want to make sure you are committed this time. We don’t want you to make-“</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Another mistake?” Eddie asks, knowing where this is going. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How do we know that this one won’t run out on you when things get bad?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dios, you still can’t leave Shannon alone can you? Because he’s been there for me through it all papa! Even when I was being stupid, terrible and awful to him. I’ve done things to him that no good person would ever do, things that I had no right to do. But he stuck by me because he loves me, I love him, and he loves Christopher with everything he has. Everything he has ever done for us is because he loves us more than he could ever love himself. And I’m trying to be the person he deserves because I love him.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Your papa is just looking out for you Edmundo. Isn’t it a little too soon? You haven’t been together long.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mama…I don’t have to defend my relationship to you two again. We are both done wasting time, you two know when the reception is. If you don’t want to come, then don’t.”</em>
</p><p>Eddie and Buck share their first dance as spouses on the lawn of Athena and Bobby’s house as their families and friends look on. Eddie, being shorter, wraps his arms around Buck’s neck, bringing him in close. Closing his eyes and basking in the love, happiness, and peace that seems to be surrounding him.</p><p>“I’m sorry your parents didn’t come mi marido,” Eddie whispers, hating that Buck’s parents are even more traditional than his.</p><p>“Don’t be…I have everything I ever need right here,” Eddie hugs him closer as May, in charge of the music, turns up the song as it turns into a dance beat. Everyone in attendance then floods the yard to dance to the song. Maddie dancing with Chim as she smiles at the couple in the middle with their son. Bobby spinning Athena as she throws her head back and laughs as she takes a drink. Because they invited the kids and May was still underage, they all agreed to have sparkling grape juice instead of champagne. Hen and Karen throwing down bad dances moves as Denny looks away in embarrassment but laughs as he does the same. Even Eddie’s abuela is dancing as well as she can in her chair.</p><p>Once the party begins to wind down, Karen comes over to where Eddie and Buck are laughing.</p><p>“I know you two said no gifts, but here,” Karen holds out an envelope for them to take. They take it while giving Karen an exasperated look, they thank her nonetheless. They both open the envelope and are surprised at the contents inside.</p><p>“No, Karen we can’t take this.”</p><p>“Ah ah ah, it’s a wedding gift, so you can’t give it back.”</p><p>“How much did this cost?” Buck asks and Karen lightly smacks him on the arm.</p><p>“Such a taboo question Buck, but don’t worry. My oldest friend actually is the CEO of this place, and she owes me a favor for designing her nursery for free. So take it and enjoy it, Chris will be safe with us,” Buck gets up to hug Karen and so does Eddie.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Love you two, and so happy for you.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>They had been on their ‘honeymoon’ for two days now. It isn’t really much of one if there aren’t any couple things to do, but they are still enjoying it nonetheless. They both went on a group hike, seeing the scenery, the sunset, and the way the ocean crashed onto the shore. Now, the second night there is coming to an end, and Buck is lying on his front with Eddie behind him, giving him a back massage after a hard day of hiking. While they both enjoyed it, Buck’s back muscles were straining after a day. Eddie’s hands are gliding along Buck’s back as he kneads out the kink and tension of the day away.</p><p>Eddie could tell that Buck was anxious, but he still isn’t sure why. He thought it had to do with the day, but one hour into the massage, Buck was still carrying the nervous energy around him everywhere he went. It wasn’t with him on his wedding night, it looks like it came with them. And he hopes that once Buck is relaxed enough, he can tell him what’s wrong. The credits of <em>Chopped</em> is rolling and Eddie gently gets off of Buck and lies down next to him on the king sized bed.</p><p>“Thanks,” Buck breathes out in contentment and Eddie hums as a reply. Buck then adjusts himself to sit up and Eddie can see that he’s doing that thing he does when he wants to say something serious, but isn’t sure how to say it.</p><p>“Are you ok amor?” Eddie asks, placing a hand on Buck’s knee, who nods as he breathes. “Talk to me, what’s going on,” Eddie asks, sitting down on the bed to face Buck. He begins to fidget with his hands in nervousness and Eddie simply squeezes his knee.</p><p>“I just I’m just a little anxious,” Buck says first, trying to downplay the real emotions going through him. He wants to bring something up with Eddie, but he’s just not sure how. He feels scared and confused about what he’s feeling.</p><p>“Do you think you can explain it to me?” Eddie asks and Buck nods as he runs his hands through his hair, taking a shaky exhale.</p><p>“So we’re on a honeymoon right?”</p><p>“Well technically, yeah,” Eddie says and Buck nods before looking around the room.</p><p>“Ok…so you know how on honeymoons…there are the expectations that the married couple is…supposed-tohavesexright?”</p><p>“Pardon? You wanna run that by me again?” Eddie asks gently, not understanding the mashed up words.</p><p>“Couples on their honeymoon are expected to have sex with each other and-“ Eddie sits up straighter at this and gently places his hands on Buck’s shoulders.</p><p>“Buck we don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to. I was under the impression that you weren’t ready to do anything.”</p><p>“I know, and I appreciate it but…ok this might go way off track, but bear with me?” Buck asks and Eddie nods in soft encouragement. “I’ve been talking to my therapist about this a lot, and they said that it’s up to me about when I want to do this. We’ve been talking it out on what the proper steps are to take, and then they said to talk to you about it…but I wasn’t ready back then. Now? I am ready…at least I think I am. I won’t know until it actually happens, but I know that you would never hurt me or use me like he did,” Buck fidgets with his hands again, reaching out to Eddie, who grabs them instantly.</p><p>“But sometimes…ok, I know he’s gone, but I still feel like he’s behind me, just…waiting. I feel his touch when I’m alone in the dark, I can feel his eyes on me, his breath on my ear, and <em>his hands </em>on me. Even though it’s been a long time, I still feel like I’m trapped under him.” Buck says and takes a few moments to gather the rest of his thoughts, Eddie slowly running his thumbs along Buck’s hand. “I-I want to feel better about how I look at sex. After Chase, I was terrified of it, now after talking with my therapist for a while, I’m not that scared anymore. Because I trust you, and I love you, and I know you care about my well-being. And after everything we’ve built, I think I’m finally ready to take this next step with you…if you want to at least?” Buck breathes out, finally looking up at Eddie and he can see nothing but love and no judgement. Eddie gently grips Buck’s face to wipe the nervous tears that made are halfway down his face. He slowly leans in to place a reassuring kiss on Buck’s forehead.</p><p>“Of course I want to amor. I know this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, so thank you for trusting me,” Eddie whispers against his forehead as Buck sighs in relief. Buck then attempts to kiss Eddie, to maybe start on the thing that’s been scaring him since he was assaulted, but Eddie gently pulls him off of his body.</p><p>“Hey, we don’t need to do anything tonight.”</p><p>“Eddie-“</p><p>“No amor, I know tonight took a lot out of you, so let’s just rest now ok? We can figure out the rest tomorrow,” Eddie suggests and Buck does that thing where he looks at a certain spot in the room before breathing in and out and before collapsing against the pillows of the bed. Eddie taking his place right next to him.</p><p>“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. Once upon a time I knew, but now? It’s just different, I don’t know what to do now or where to even start.” He used to call himself a <em>sex-addict</em>, which he now knows what just his way of finding people so he wouldn’t be so alone, but he would push them away before they got too close. And maybe he thinks he didn’t like Eddie in the first place: he actively tried to make Eddie dislike him so he wouldn’t feel bad when he actually did.</p><p>“How about we do what you always do when you don’t know what to do about something.”</p><p>“Research the hell out of it?”</p><p>“Research the hell out of it.”</p><p>Buck smiles as he grabs the phone off of the charging hook. He begins to type things into the search bar when his stomach lets out a huge growl, cutting the atmosphere of the room in half and leaves them laughing.</p><p>“Guess that’s my cue to get some dinner. I know today was a lot for you, so I’ll pick up some Jack In The Box, sound good?” Buck nods at this, excited about the aspect of food. Eddie then gathers his keys and wallet before heading out the door.</p><p>“Sriracha burger with some tacos?!”</p><p>“I know the drill!” Eddie yells back before the door shuts, leaving Buck alone with some research to do. When the door shuts, he takes a deep sigh of relief, this had been bugging him for a long time now. Ever since he and Eddie got together, he wondered how long it would be until he and Eddie would take the final step of their relationship and actually sleep together. He knows the relationship between them isn’t just physical, but he knows that could play a small part further down the road, and it looks like here he reached that road. But he knows he’s not alone.</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>“You can start to explore being vulnerable and experience feeling safe sexually. Healthy relationships, with love, caring, and enjoyable sex, can grow when you and your partner can say what you need, and build trust in each other”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So…it’s possible that I can have a healthy sex life after everything?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Surviving a sexual assault will change the way you experience sex Buck. Depending on the person, sexual contact can trigger upsetting memories or physical reactions, or leave them feeling sad or distressed afterward. Others may develop an unhealthy relationship with sex”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What do you mean?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They may have lots of it, but aren’t able to really enjoy intimacy with a caring partner. While you may know that you are safe with your partner, your mind and body is telling you otherwise. Think of it as the water metaphor. You are freezing cold, so you take a hot bath, and as you lower yourself into the water, it hurts you. You know that this will help you in the long run, but every single part of your body is telling you otherwise. Do you understand what I am trying to say?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I need to take some time and figure out what I really want? Before lowering myself in the water?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Exactly.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So how do I do that?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well normally we would have to identify the root of the problem, but we’ve done that already. You weren’t able to be with Eddie fully until you recalled the suppressed memories of the assaults. Then the next step is to get professional help, but you’ve already done that. The next step is to be open with your partner, have you done that? About sex?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No…not yet. We’re getting married soon, and I was hoping to bring it up after the wedding.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well congratulations on your engagement. Once you are open with your partner about your feelings on sex, you can both find the middle ground that is equally safe for the both of you. It can help to anticipate some of the issues that may come up in a sexual relationship.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What would we talk about?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Set up boundaries, make sure that you have the power. That way it should drive the interaction with your partner, and should steer where and how far it goes. And after laying it all out, it can gradually change the way you think abut sex, both consciously and subconsciously. And do not be afraid or ashamed to stop at any time."</em>
</p><p>He remembers what his therapist told him about sex after an assault. They both talked until it was well past midnight, Buck listing out his fears and Eddie listening. They both come to a middle ground that would make it comfortable for the both of them. And it goes like this:</p><ul>
<li>Buck wants the lights on, but dimmed because he isn’t ready for complete darkness</li>
<li>Eddie wants Buck to have a safe word in case he is accidentally triggered or overwhelmed</li>
<li>They both scheduled it for tomorrow night so Buck can cancel if needed</li>
<li>Buck took lying on his stomach off the table</li>
<li>They check in with each other</li>
</ul><p>“Are you sure you’re ready for this? This is a big step for you, and I don’t want you to do this just because society dictates what the honeymoon is really for” Eddie says as he gently scratches Buck’s hair later that night in bed. Buck sighs and tightens his hold on Eddie.</p><p>“I am…I mean I am scared, not going to lie, but I trust you, so I know we’ll be ok.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“What’s your safe word love?” Eddie asks Buck softly when he deepens the kiss the next night. Buck hadn’t canceled yet, but Eddie is fully prepared to stop at anytime. The lights are dimmed so that they can still see each other’s facial expressions and body movements while Eddie is under Buck, who has complete control of the situation.</p><p>“Hazel,” Buck says before he sits back on his knees. Eddie runs his hands up and down Buck’s upper legs gently before asking:</p><p>“What do you want tonight amor?” Eddie asks looking up at Buck.</p><p>“I want…to be with you completely tonight. My therapist said that I should be the one in control tonight-“ Eddie squeezes Buck’s knees in agreement “-But…ok here’s what I want. I want you to be in control tonight, I’m choosing for you to be in control tonight. I trust you with me, and I know that eventually I will be able to take control again, but for now, I just want you to show me that I can still feel good in my body, is that ok?” Eddie then nods after a moment, smiling. Buck lets out a little bit of tension when he sees Eddie’s smile, knowing that he made the right choice.</p><p>“That’s perfectly fine with me cariño” Eddie is barely able to say before Buck leans down to capture Eddie’s lips again. They slowly exchange kisses in the dimmed light of their hotel room. Eddie pulls Buck closer to him when the atmosphere changes, deepening their kisses.</p><p>“Can I flip you over?” Eddie asks quietly and Buck gives the ok. Without breaking the kiss, Eddie gently switches positions, with Buck safely boxed underneath his partner. Eddie then pulls back from Buck’s lips and moves to give him gentle kisses on his forehead, cheeks, his nose, and one last one on his lips before gently moving to his neck.</p><p>“Is this ok?” Eddie asks before he can make contact and Buck gives a hum of agreement, but Eddie pulls back slightly. “I need verbal confirmation love, is this ok?” Eddie asks again.</p><p>“Yes,” Buck says and sighs in contentment as Eddie gently kisses Buck’s neck, paying special attention to his fading tracheotomy scar and Adams apple. Buck then arches when Eddie kisses over the sensitive skin. Eddie then silently asks if he can take Buck’s shirt off, and he does when he gives the ok. Buck then takes Eddie’s off before running his hands along the seemingly endless miles of skin. The skin to skin contact sends goosebumps throughout Buck’s body. Eddie hums in soft laughter at the sensation. His hands then leave Buck’s neck before softly and slowly gliding down and stopping on his hips. He pulls back to look at Buck, who looks lost on the edge of ecstasy. He looks up confused when Eddie stops his movements.</p><p>“Why’d you stop?”</p><p>“You want me to keep going?”</p><p>“Yes,” Buck’s hands find themselves on Eddie’s neck to pull him down for a sensual kiss before pulling back. “I trust you completely Eddie,” Buck says before Eddie begins to kiss down his neck and chest, but he stops when he feels that Buck is still wound with tension.</p><p>“Baby, do you want to stop?”</p><p>“No, keep going.”</p><p>“You’re still tense, you need to relax or else you can’t enjoy this.” Eddie says and then an idea hits him. He removes his hands from his partners hips before intertwining them with Buck’s and making eye contact.</p><p>“Keep your eyes on me Buck ok? Don’t think about anything else ok? Just focus on this, I’ll make you feel good,” Eddie says before giving Buck a soft kiss, he can feel the tension melting off of Buck.</p><p>“Eddie-“</p><p>“I got you Buck, let go for tonight ok?”</p><p>
  <em>And that’s how the rest of the night goes. Eddie slowly showing Buck that he can be comfortable in his own body again. And Buck being taken apart inch by inch with a tenderness that he didn’t know Eddie could have. His entire body sinking into the pillows as Eddie takes him into his mouth like a sinner with Communion. And when that moment came where Buck felt Eddie inside of him, he didn’t feel sick, triggered, nor afraid, he felt content and happy, knowing that he and his partner where tackling this new territory together. It was hard, but he managed to maintain eye contact with Eddie as he was shown a side of sex that he was never aware of. And when he was close to finishing, Eddie unwound his hands from Buck and gripped his neck as he whispered that it’s ok to let go, and that he has him. Buck’s hands were desperate for contact as they settled on Eddie’s back. Buck is safely boxed under Eddie as he has what seems the best orgasm he’s had in his entire life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The last thing he remembers is a string of encouraging words and the promise of coffee in the morning. He can feel Eddie’s heat next to him. </em>
</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Good morning puppy,” is the first thing he hears when his senses return to him.</p><p>“Don’t call me that,” Buck groans as he turns away from the light spilling into the windows. He hears a chuckle and feels the bed dip next to him as an arm snakes its way over his midsection and pulls towards a warm body. He then feels his face being peppered with kisses before giving a lingering one on his cheek.</p><p>“Eddie…it’s too early,” Buck burrows himself deeper under the duvet of the bed.</p><p>“It’s 9:30 babe,” Eddie says before he slides the cover down to Buck’s chin, who groans and cracks his eyes open to look up at his smiling partner. He can’t help but smile back up at Eddie.</p><p>“I brought you some coffee,” Eddie says, gesturing to the cup on the nightstand.</p><p>“6 creams and 6 sugars?”</p><p>“Yep, just the way you like it.”</p><p>“You’re so good to me,” Buck says before he dislodges his arms from underneath Eddie and brings him in for a kiss before Eddie nuzzles his neck.</p><p>“So, last night-“</p><p>“Was great” Buck pulls Eddie closer to him, who relaxes at this thought. He hadn’t safe-worded out, gave Eddie consent every time he checked in. Eddie had shown Buck that he could have safe, sane, and consensual sex.</p><p>“You showed me that I don’t have to be scared of sex anymore, and it may be a while until I can do it again. The thought of sex before made me feel sick, but now it’s better. So thank you for everything,” Buck says before Eddie smiles and leans up to give him a soft reassuring kiss.</p><p>“I understand that someone who went through with what you did, may have difficulty with sex, and if it takes a month, a year, 10 years to have sex, I’m willing to wait.”</p><p>“Eddie-“</p><p>“You’re worth waiting for Buck, but I don’t have to wait long for other things,” Eddie says as he gestures to their matching silver rings. Buck smiles at this.</p><p>“I love you Eddie.”</p><p>“I love you too Buck. But we should hurry and get ready, check-out is in one hour and Chris is waiting for us back home.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>Buck is startled out of packing his things when he hears a knock at the door. He looks to Eddie, who shrugs, having not expected any company today. Buck dusts off his hands before going to answer the door.</p><p>“Maddie? Chim? Hey, what’s up?” Buck gestures for them to come inside. “Sorry you can’t sit anywhere, everything has either been donated or is already packed up.” Buck gestures to the empty open area but the couple waves them off.</p><p>“It’s ok Buck, we’ll be quick, we just have something to tell you,” Maddie says taking a deep breath and looking at Chim before looking back to Buck. She digs in her pocket for something and is about to pull it out when Eddie peaks over the edge of the balcony.</p><p>“Who was at the door?” Eddie asks but then comes down the stairs when he sees Chim and Maddie.</p><p>“Eddie? What are you doing here?”</p><p>“He’s helping me pack before I move. I have to be out of here in the next two days so we’re just getting everything together,” Buck says, gesturing to the various boxes with labels on them.</p><p>“Ok…I-we have something to tell you both, you two are the first to know and I don’t want the others to know just yet” Maddie said and Buck can tell a serious conversation is about to come because of the tone of her voice. Buck grabs Eddie’s hand as Maddie reaches into her pocket again to pull out a positive pregnancy test and holds it up to Buck and Eddie. Eddie’s eyes widen and he gives a congratulatory smile to the expectants and looks at Buck to see this reaction. He has a look of confusion before gasping and taking a step back.</p><p>“Are you two-?!”</p><p>“I’m pregnant,” Maddie says tearfully, the emotions of expecting coming back again as they did the first time.</p><p>“You mean…I’m going to be an uncle?” Buck asks and Maddie nods and steps forward to give Buck a hug. He laughs and brings Maddie while Eddie goes over to congratulate Chim.</p><p>“I’m so happy for you, and I can’t wait to meet my niece/nephew.”</p><p>“Same here,” Maddie says as he puts a hand over her still flat stomach. “It hasn’t even been a month, but I think I love them already…but I’m so scared.”</p><p>“Hey, you’re going to be a great mom.”</p><p>“How would you know?”</p><p>“I mean I turned out pretty ok, so you had plenty of practice. And I know the thought of parenthood terrifies you…it scares me too. But you are nothing like mom and dad, you’re better, and are going to make an amazing mom.” Buck says and Maddie lets out an emotional laugh as she gives Buck another hug.</p><p>“Love you Buck, and I’m proud of you two.”</p><p>“Yeah…never thought I’d be married,” Buck says, throwing up his left hand.</p><p>“Would you look at us? We made it.” Maddie says, looking at Chim then up at Buck.</p><p>“We did,” Buck says before giving Maddie a side hug. They all talk for a few moments before Maddie and Chim bid farewell. Eddie and Buck go back to packing the last of Buck’s clothes. They are the last things that needed to be packed before Buck was completely ready to move. Eddie grabs the last two beers in the fridge before opening them and giving one to Buck, who was sitting on the stairs. They clink and drink, Buck taking one last look around his apartment.</p><p>“It looks weird, being so empty. The only furniture that’s really mine is the couch and the kitchen chairs. Cause I really don’t have a lot of material items, besides clothes”</p><p>“Well now we can share furniture right?” Eddie says and Buck smiles at this.</p><p>“What did you ever do with the envelope under the bed?”</p><p>“It was a key to my safety deposit box. There’s money there, but we can put it away for Chris when he turns 18” His lease was up this week and Eddie and Chris had not so subtly suggested that Buck move in with them.</p><p>
  <em>“You basically live here anyway. You only go home to get more clothes for the rest of the week. Move in with us babe.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yea! And you can make me breakfast everyday!” </em>
</p><p>They sit in comfortable silence before Eddie breaks it.</p><p>“I’m happy for them.”</p><p>“Me too…makes you think doesn’t it?” Buck asks and Eddie looks over to Buck.</p><p>“About the future? Yeah…” Eddie then takes Buck’s hand before looking over to him. “Would you want one? Another kid I mean?”</p><p>“The thought is nice, but what we have now is perfect. But I would love to have another kid.”</p><p>“Someday…maybe when Chris is older than 10,” Eddie voices and they sit in silence again. Buck then holds up his beer bottle:</p><p>“To our future.”</p><p>“Our future.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>“Feeling overwhelmed yet?” Eddie asks Buck, who is tucked into his side.</p><p>“Nope…this is home. I don’t know if I told you, but I never had a home before I met you. Before it was Maddie, then…nothing. So thank you for letting me into your home Eddie” He smiles and turns over to pull Buck closer.</p><p>“After everything that happened? I’m just glad you can call this home,” Buck smiles and basks in the quiet comforting atmosphere. It’s been a long road to recovery, and there are still bad days, but he knows that he doesn’t have to go through it alone. Which brings his next question:</p><p>“Eddie?”</p><p>“Hm?” Eddie asks in a deep voice.</p><p>“There’s something I need to do…I’ve been putting it off for a long time, but I think I’m finally ready. I need you there with me please.”</p><p>“Always.”</p><p>{~}{~}</p><p>
  <em>It’s a rainy day, as cliche as it sounds, but it mirrors Buck’s emotions perfectly. </em>
</p><p>Eddie runs a hand up and down Buck's arm while holding them both under the umbrella. He can hear the nervous inhale and exhales coming out of him, but Eddie knows that Buck can truly begin to move on when he finishes here. Buck looks at him and Eddie gives him a small smile. He nods and looks ahead, but stops.</p><p>“I’m here,” Eddie says, inserting his hand into Buck’s and squeezing. Buck takes a deep breath before reaching into his pocket and pulls something out.</p><p>"The last year of my life, I've been living in a constant nightmare. I used to go without sleep for days and nights, pushing my body to limits I didn't know I had. Limits I never wanted to find out about. I was only 28...and I was supposed to be living my life and begin to mend friendships. I lost time with family, friends, my job...my son, and people who I cared about. I used the time to constantly look over my shoulder because I was so afraid of you. You got your few minutes of sexual gratification and I lost everything. I will never forgive you for what you did to me, but I will move on. I refuse to live in the shadows of what you did to me. I will learn to live without fearing you, with the help of my family and friends. I'm going to survive...I survived you Chase Mackey…and I’m not sorry about that.” Buck sniffs and breathes as his body relaxes, a weight being lifted off of him. Buck places the folded piece of paper on the grass in front of the tombstone. He gets up and turns around to see Eddie waiting by the car, smiling at him, silently telling him that he’s proud of him. Buck takes one last look at the tombstone and whispers goodbye.</p><p>
  <em>He leaves, knowing his husband and their son are waiting for him.</em>
</p><hr/><p>AND DONE! After almost 4 months, this story is DONE! I want to thank:</p><p><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987"><em><strong>FoolishAngel1987</strong></em></a>: for helping me with this chapter and general story (love you!)</p><p><a href="https://chrrlees.tumblr.com/"><strong><em>CHrrLeeS</em></strong></a><strong><em>:</em></strong> for letting me use their ideas for chapter 1-2 (ur amazing!)</p><p><em><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666">missmeagan666</a> </em>for being BETA and letting me bounce ideas off of them (miss u!)</p><p>and to all the anonymous ideas I got through my DMs! (love you all so much!)</p><p>Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!</p><p>Say hi to me on my <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf">Tumblr</a>! </p><p> </p>
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